Title: The Werewolf of Woodstock (1975)

Summary: Local farmer gets electrocuted after pitching a fit about the Woodstock music festival, goes on murderous rampage, film at 11! 

Tagline: He sold his howl…for rock ‘n growl! [Wing: I am fucking screaming at this tagline. S C R E A M I N G. Utterly amazing.]

Notes: My copy came from the good old tubes of You. Not the best of quality and my kingdom for subtitles, but it got the job done. It’s also ARCHIVED if you want to watch it.

Initial Thoughts

Hullo and good evening, on this, November 2025’s full moon. Or, actually, the Super Beaver Moon, because of course it is. It’s also my half birthday. Yay.

My offering for Snark! this year is yet another “how the fuck did this get made and who the fuck watched it?” entry into werewolf film canon – even though this technically was a “episode of the week” entry on a program called “The Wild World of Mystery”. Season 3, episode 22, entitled “The Werewolf of Woodstock”. Aired January 24th, 1975, making it over 50 years old as of this recap. [Wing: Fitting that this is recap #350 then.]

As a child of the Unsolved Mysteries generation – the theme song will still sending me fleeing from the room – I am not familiar with “The Wild World of Mystery”, which ran for roughly four seasons on ABC. All before I was born, so, stumbling upon this on YT makes sense. Or maybe it was IMDb, I was looking for random werewolf media to watch for this series, and it was probably on a list.

[Wing: Same here. Don’t think I’ve ever heard of “The Wild World of Mystery,” and I’m kind of sad about that, because we could have watched this so much sooner. I also grew up on Unsolved Mysteries, which is shocking considering how much my mother hated scary things.]

Anyway, after my nightmare choice of The Werewolf of Washington (1973) last year, why not pick something more “fun”? I don’t know that I was successful in this, but I did unlock a WHOLE NEW ‘HOW TO BECOME A WEREWOLF FOR FUN AND PROFIT‘ CHEAT CODE. This may actually rival “a bite from a Yeti”. [Wing: I’m torn. This one is weirder in that the Yeti bite at least involves a bite, but on the other hand, a fucking Yeti?]

Most of the people in this are from television. Most of them I do not recognize or know, because they were on shows that I’ve only seen in reruns and/or don’t care about. Petticoat Junction is boring AF. And I say that as someone who has had to sit through countless reruns of Green Acres and The Beverly Hillbillies (my mom loves old shows; it’s fine.)

Alas there is no trailer or television commercial for this – I looked, not very hard, but I did look – so we’ll just go in blind, shall we? Probably better that way.

Recap

Ah, yes, nothing says MAKING A MOVIE like using stock footage. How much of this is actually Woodstock and how much is “other” music festivals? We’ll never know. (I checked IMDb. There’s no trivia entries. We’ll never know anything. Though I do love that one review is like ‘this is what you measure OTHER werewolf movies by’ in essence to see if they’re great or… not.)

Oh, yes, text on screen tells us INDEED THIS IS WOODSTOCK, N.Y. In case you are VERY VERY YOUNG (why are you reading this, let alone on the internet unsupervised?) Woodstock (not to be confused by the little yellow bird from the Peanuts comics) is a town (city? village?) located in New York state. I know. As a child I had difficulty believing there was anything BUT New York City in New York state. There’s a whole fucking state there.

[Wing: I am cackling that you think only very, very young people won’t know what we’re talking about when it comes to Woodstock. Even Woodstock ’99 is, what, 26 years old at this point.]

[Wing: Also, I know what we were doing online when we were young and reading this site would have been one of the better options.]

And now we’re told this is 1969. Sure. Even though this film was released in 1975. But what is movie time (it doesn’t exist) and who cares. I totally missed the original Woodstock yet lived through live coverage of Woodstock 1999 – that was… a bad idea… except for the NIN part… but everything else… bad… – and some things you can just never go back to or repeat. Fyre Fest, anyone? Too soon? DashCon? WHERE’S THE BALLPIT??

[Wing: We now have book event fails, and I am obsessed with them. Incomplete list: Aces Wild, A Million Lives, and Romance Con.]

Watching this teeming mass of humanity crammed into a farm field (which is huge, I mean, I’m guessing, because anything I know about Woodstock comes from the interwebs or terrible films/documentaries, including Flashback (1990) which is how I managed to connect this to my ever-evolving one-player game of Trivial Pursuit: Kiefer Sutherland edition. No, I will not recap that movie. It is fucking terrible and I’ve already sat through it twice in my life and that was too much. All the tequila drunk in the train car sex scene would not be enough to make me watch it again. HIS CHARACTER IS NAMED “FREE” AND HE DOESN’T KNOW IT UNTIL HE GOES BACK TO THE FAMILY FARM COMMUNE AND LEARNS ABOUT HIS PAST ALL INVOLVING WOODSTOCK. PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME SUFFER WATCHING HIM SOB WHILE WATCHING 35MM HOME MOVIES IN A PAINTED BARN. IT IS NOT FUN. Dennis Hopper tied up with Christmas tree lights is quite funny, though.) just makes me shudder. Like no. The pandemic made my crowd aversion that much worse. I am not an outdoors person to begin with, so seeing the mud and filth and lack of proper indoor plumbing in the Woodstock footage puts me on edge.

Anyway, Flashback has a distinct lack of werewolves (might have helped? maybe? the copious amounts of tequila imbibed did not, and I didn’t get any, so…), so back to the film at hand. They get real artsy for a minute by freezing the footage of the festival (it freaked me out and I thought the file had actually frozen, that was fun) [Wing: SAME. I was already cursing it when it kept going.] before it slowly morphs into a shot of the aftermath of the festival. Grounds destroyed, littered with garbage and refuse. Safe to say, the distinct lack of mud tells me that this is not the same field. In fact, the footage looks too “new” to be from Woodstock. Like, this is video tape and not film stock, that level of new.

Because this is a television episode from 1975. THEY PUT THIS ON TV, WING. ACTUAL TELEVISION AIRED THIS. [Wing: Man, back when there so few channels and options, things got weird.]

Oh, it’s a television reporter standing in front of a recreated stage (that is sorely not accurate to anything I’ve ever seen from actual footage) talking about Woodstock being over. That green suit jacket just blends into the surroundings, sir. He says all the young people have gone home now. Duh. About six years ago they did. This… someone actually threw trash around in a field to recreate a scene for a television movie but also couldn’t accurately recreate the destruction and devastation so it looks like someone trashed a field for fun and ran away. That’s the level of production we’re dealing with here. Oh god, this does not bode well for any werewolf transformation or effects, does it.

“It’s going to take a lot more than ‘Good Vibrations’ to get things back to normal.” I’m pretty sure this line is to make the reporter look totally fucking square and unfamiliar with the music of the time, AS THE BEACH BOYS DID NOT PLAY WOODSTOCK. Even I fucking know that. Or, maybe because this film came 6 years after the fact, the writers did not have access to the Woodstock wiki article and therefore just assumed the Beach Boys probably played. Either way, because both are valid options here.

(For the record, I would never attend a huge festival like this. The closest I ever came was the 1st (? not sure if there was one prior?) Faerieworlds Festival held at a campground-like place I had been to many times as a child, so I was pretty much on familiar territory. I went with friends; I was wearing a fucking proper corset with steel boning, laced up in the back, and a black lace skirt ala Star. (The corset was made for me by one of the accompanying friends; its fabric is a dark olive green and black damask-like design, it’s very pretty, I picked it out myself.) It was early August and I’m 99% certain someone stuck a pair of home-made wings in the laces of it so I wasn’t a totally random corseted goth girl at a fairy-themed event. We went for one band: Rasputina. The rest of the time we wandered around looking at the vendors and watching young and old women freak the fuck out over Toby Froud, who was I think 20-21 at that point and quite cute, wandering around the grounds in a black utili-kilt. Yep, the baby at the center of 1986’s Labyrinth just wandering around all grown up about 20 feet from me. It was surreal. There’s photos of me at this event. I have physical proof it happened. No, I did not go meet Toby. That was just weird.)

[Wing: I’ve never done multiple days at a festival, but I have gone to several renaissance fairs and music festivals, including Pointfest more than once. I do not so much like crowds, but I do so much like women with swords, jousting, and turkey legs, and also music.]

So the reporter jokes that the beat still goes on, flashing a peace sign at the camera. Huh. We smash cut to a man sitting on a couch in a living room, who yells “BALONEY!” at the television in the bottom left hand corner of the screen. Someone else agrees with me that this was a terrible news report. Oh, there’s two people in this living room! That is a very LONG couch, wtaf. [Wing: Can’t sit too close together or they’ll be whores.]

The man, who is holding a beer can, stands up and turns off the television set before taking a dramatic last swig of beer. A woman, who was previously unseen, is sitting on the other end of the couch, in a colorful dress and apron that I at first mistook for a crochet afghan. Huh. She asks if they’re talking about the festival on TV. Honey, you’re sitting literally next to the dude, the TV was loud enough for you to hear the reporter.

“Yeah, what else?” the man grumps, FAILING TO CRUSH THE BEER CAN IN A MANLY FASHION, so he turns around and I am laughing hysterically, as he throws it hard into a trash bin. TAKE THAT, CAN.

Grabbing his coat, the woman asks where he’s going, and he replies he’s off to see if any lousy hippies are still around. Um, it’s a full six years after the fact, sir. Apparently this is not the first time Bert – that’s beer can boy’s name – has done this. The woman absently calls for him to be careful, after Bert has already slammed the door and left the house.

Hm. Cue fake lightning and thunder. Bert walks away from the bungalow as the woman turns on the radio. The announcer immediately informs everyone this is the ABSOLUTE WORST LIGHTNING STORM ON RECORD FOR THE COUNTY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD’S EXISTENCE, I’m throwing that last bit in for extra drama. Only a 70% chance of rain but the electrical storm is going to continue for 24 hours. WEATHER!

What the actual fuck. Bert is kicking trash? Trash that was placed in his directional path by the set decorators? He’s suddenly at the “stage” – oh my god, did Woodstock take place on Bert’s farm??? –  and more fake lightning lighting cues and Bert’s climbing on the stage with its GIANT METAL TUBING TOWER…

He’s throwing random pieces of wood, boards by the look of it, off the “stage” while yelling about freaks. A white pickup truck ZOOMS IN with a hastily made sign taped to the door that reads “POWER COMPANY” – because A) generic AF and B) THE ELECTRIC COMPANY was not available.

The guy driving the truck is astonished to see Bert ‘destroying’ the stage, in this weather, and yells at him. Bert is SO MAD you guys, he is TAKING OFF HIS COAT while continuing to yell ‘FREAKS! YOU MISERABLE FREAKS!’ loudly. This is, like, ninth grade video production class bad. And we made a lot of cool shit in that class. A lot of it involving the Mortal Kombat Motion Picture soundtrack.

Bert is a one-man littering machine. The POWER COMPANY employee puts the truck in park and exits, trying to get Bert to come down from the ‘stage’. The thunder sound effect is being played overmuch at this point. They couldn’t afford a rain machine, obviously.

OH! SUDDENLY! There is a small explosion, a spark that turns into SEVERAL sparks – this is literally fireworks on a line, wtaf – and oh boy POWER COMPANY man is shocked. Just shocked. [Wing: This is my shocked face.] The sparks/explosions envelop Bert and he’s flailing around wildly, literally on fire, and NOW it makes sense. He grabbed hold of a live wire. When? At what point? I know he was grabbing shit off the ‘stage’ and throwing it but it remains unclear when he grabbed a LIVE ELECTRICAL WIRE. POWER COMPANY dude, you have a mighty lawsuit headed your way.

Bert is still holding onto the live wire, his mouth open in a wordless scream…

…when suddenly we smash cut to some country western singers wailing loudly, in place of Bert. AND NOW WE HAVE THE TITLE. Oh wow, that’s… wow.

Yay! Random doggo! He’s rockin’ out with the band. I wonder how many of them are actually playing their instruments. [Wing: Dude says they don’t need the dog as a mascot. I beg to differ, everything is better with a dog mascot. Also, this dog better survive.]

Credits roll overtop of the “band” footage – DICK CLARK EXECUTIVE PRODUCED THIS?! – and I can’t say I recognized a single name shown… except for Tige Andrews. Who was in a whole lot of TV shows, notably The Mod Squad (which I can’t remember if I’ve ever seen an episode in reruns, probably?) The man’s given name was Tiger, which is pretty bad ass, but he shortened it to Tige.

Anyway, they don’t play long, and suddenly are whooping and hollering like they won some sort of award. They think they sound ‘great!’ I would beg to differ but I’m not going to critique them for this recap, it doesn’t matter. Apparently this was a rehearsal. Uh huh. The lead guitarist starts hugging and kissing the only female member of the band, after telling everyone to get packed up so they’ll “be there” by tomorrow.

Where’s “there”? 

Oh shit, are you serious? Their ‘plan’ – which is TWELVE PERCENT OF A PLAN AT BEST – is to go to Woodstock and “record” a demo tape, and stamp “LIVE AT WOODSTOCK” on the fucking box and that will totally get them a record deal!!

I am having flashbacks of underpants gnomes.

Apparently one member agrees with me, saying this is stupid and no one is going to believe they were at the ACTUAL WOODSTOCK and were recording playing during said festival. I DUNNO MAYBE BECAUSE YOU’RE SIX YEARS AFTER THE FACT??

The drummer – because of course, it’s the drummer – argues that it’s a put on but they’re upfront about it. The fuck you are. “We’ll even take photos of ourselves playing on the stage with no one there!” Um. Firstly, I am too lazy to go google whether or not the stage at the actual Woodstock remained well after the fact, but I doubt it was still there SIX YEARS AFTER THE FACT. Secondly… what the actual fuck.

It’s not even twelve percent of a plan.

For some reason transcendental thinking (meditation?) is brought up. Um, I don’t think you know what you’re talking about but maybe I’m wrong. I have zero experience with it, so I could be wrong, but it just doesn’t sound like… sigh. Maybe they mean THE SECRET and all those visualization boards and that kind of shit?

Oh, someone hates the doggo. Asshole. He says they’re not a football team and don’t need a mascot. YOU APOLOGIZE TO DOGGO RIGHT THIS MINUTE HE’S PROBABLY GOING TO SAVE YOUR ASS FROM THE ELECTRIC WEREWOLF. [Wing: Should have kept reading before I commented above. 100% agree.]

Of course, the doggo hating asshole is Dave. Lead Guitar breaks up the argument between Dave and his woman, who is very much #teamdoggo, and tells Dave to load an amp or something. Sure.

Oh god, the doggo’s name is Virgo. Apparently it was Gemini last week, according to the drummer. He’s also been Leo, Pieces, and woman is all what’s wrong with that? Apparently the drummer is Benny and he’s worried doggo will be confused. I’m confused and I’m not even in this movie.

Yes, please, call her nuts for constantly changing a dog’s name and laugh about it with her “boyfriend”.

[Wing: All of them can fuck off into the sea except for woman and her doggo.]

The camera zooms in on a single burning candle, then the transition doesn’t really work, because it’s supposed to mimic a doctor shining a light into a patient’s eyes.

The doctor declares “he’s survived, it was a close one!” UM, DID ANYONE ELSE WATCH BERT GET ELECTROCUTED?? Not that it was well done or even scary, because it was neither, but c’mon. No one should have survived that.

Oh, apparently the POWER COMPANY man saved Bert. How? We’ll never know. I guess we didn’t take Bert somewhere sensible, like a fucking hospital, no we just took him home. And he’s on the couch or something. His wife is still confused as to why Bert was on the Woodstock stage. Um, I’m pretty sure he mentioned hippie hunting, what wasn’t clear about that?

Doctor is treating this as an accident and tells the wife not to blame herself. Well, no, she shouldn’t shoulder any blame for Bert being a fucking idiot and grabbing hold of a live power line.

I guess I should mention we are witnessing this from Bert’s POV. The image is fuzzy on purpose and we hear him breathing (or an approximation of Bert breathing) while the doctor and the wife converse. It… is not lending anything to the scene, honestly. [Wing: Less concern about set dressing? Or should I say, “set dressing.”] Bert’s alive after being (poorly) electrocuted and no one thinks it serious enough to take the man to an actual hospital.

So the “treatment” is, he’ll be fine in a couple of weeks but he should stay down and be quiet. Sure. Where’s your medical license, sir?

We finally see Bert, who is doing his best at cosplaying the Mummy. His head is wrapped in long white strips of cloth with spaces for his eyes and mouth, which explains the weird ragged breathing sound effect better.

Oh god, now we’re in the living room where the “doctor” is medicating Bert’s wife by handing her two pills out of a prescription bottle saying TWO BEFORE BEDTIME YOU NEED SLEEP TOO. Oh my god. [Wing: Honestly, most believable part. Drug a woman to keep her quiet.] The “doctor” leaves, just as more “lightning” strikes outside complete with thunder sound effects.

Bert’s wife wanders through the house shutting windows and closing curtains and turning off lamps, still carrying the “pills” the questionable house-call making “doctor” gave her. I’m still stuck on the fact that Bert is AT HOME IN BED WRAPPED UP LIKE A MUMMY instead of, you know, in an actual medical facility. I know healthcare is awful right now but geez.

We arrive back at the bedside of Bert, whose hands are also wrapped, he’s doing an excellent Imhotep impression, people. Um, somehow Bert’s wife has lost the pills, because she’s no longer holding them. Did she drop them in the sheets so Bert could take them? Could he even find them?

Well, she just turned the lights off and left Bert entirely unattended in the bedroom. Whoever keeps playing the thunder sound effect needs to be fired, that’s not how thunder works. This is just awkward, the camera obviously panning slowly to the right but no one can fucking see shit because the “room” is dark. Wait, a flash of “lightning”, still can’t see for shit. Suddenly Bert comes into frame, shaking and trembling, almost as if something is happening to him…

I guess that’s supposed to be “blood” on his facial bandages but… I’m just not buying this.

Pity no one bothered to leave in the commercials. I would have enjoyed them.

The next day (?) some old dude rings the doorbell. Is that the doctor? We can literally see Bert’s wife wandering round in the living room, walking over to answer the door. Nope, it’s RAYMOND! And he’s got a surprise! And for some reason he has brought a blonde woman and a brunette man with him. He announces he needs a written statement from “doctor” Marlow about Bert’s “condition”.

Let me guess, no one’s checked on Bert since she turned the lights out on him last night?

Now Raymond remembers his manners and introduces Officer Barlow – the blonde woman – and Officer…. I swear I heard Silver but let me try again. Nope, I was totally wrong on the first count. Byron, not Barlow, and it was decidedly Officer Silver. Snort. [Wing: OFFICER SILVER. Lean into the werewolf cheesiness. LEAN INTO IT, MOVIE.]

They’re LAPD… which… why the fuck have they showed up from LOS ANGELES to “WOODSTOCK, NY”?? They’re here for the festival to act as observers.

HOLD THE ACTUAL FUCK UP.

Is this television episode trying to tell me that “Woodstock” has not taken place yet? Because I’m fucking confused. WHAT IS TIME. WHO WROTE THIS. [Wing: While watching it, I definitely thought this was supposed to be immediately after Woodstock, but time has no fucking meaning in real life, much less in this movie.]

Apparently they’re considering holding a “festival” in LA and wanted to see how this one “turns out”. I’m so fucking confused. I feel like… wasn’t it the Monterey Bay festival? Wasn’t that the one with the Hell’s Angels? I’m hazy on that.

Bert’s wife pities the people of LA (SNORT) but Officer Silver thinks the hippies are just a little messy but otherwise all right. Apparently Raymond is lieutenant Martoni, who doesn’t get a first name in the credits, so go figure. Officer Byron is making herself to home, mentions Raymond told them about Bert. Bert’s wife hopes he’ll be okay. I DUNNO, GET HIM ACTUAL MEDICAL HELP??

Oh, the “doctor” is in the house? Really? Also, Officer Silver? Why the fuck you so nosey?

So Raymond has a sad that Officers Byron and Silver will be leaving soon. So I guess whoever wrote this can’t write for shit because indeed the festival is over and the two officers attended it as observers (??) and now they’re going back to LA. Oh yes, Officer Byron’s name is Candy Byron and she’s a police psychologist.

Enter “doctor” Marlow! He greets Raymond, who introduces their “young friends”. Maurice Silver. I feel like these names are stabs at inside jokes but I’m probably reading into it. Now they’re “special youth officers”. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK STOP.

Bert’s wife interrupts long enough to announce she’s making coffee, which Raymond says not to, they’re leaving soon. Oh, Bert’s wife has a name! Cora!

Wow. “Doctor” Marlow explains he guesses Bert will be okay but “I don’t know why he’s still alive” – what confident and compassionate care – because really a shock like that pretty much kills. Um. [Wing: So the taking him home instead of a hospital was to let him die at home, Doc? I remain skeptical.] He literally says this in front of Cora. Then tells her the bandages MUST STAY IN PLACE because “we don’t want his skin to scar where it was damaged.”

….DO YOU NOT KNOW SHIT ABOUT BURNS, “DOCTOR” MARLOW?? BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I KNOW MORE ABOUT BURNS THAN YOU DO, SIR.

Apparently Marlow doesn’t want to write a report about the “incident”, but Raymond insists, because of its very nature. I don’t know, KEEPING A BURNED MAN BANDAGED AND IN A BED AT HOME SEEMS LIKE MALPRACTICE.

Yes, yes, unlike the “old days” when you just medicated patients to “sleep”, didn’t you, Marlow.

Raymond also wants a statement from Bert, which upsets Cora, but he assures her it doesn’t have to happen today. I DUNNO. MAYBE LET THE MAN RECOVER FIRST? MAYBE TAKE HIM TO AN ACTUAL HOSPITAL??

Ha ha, Raymond tells the LAPD officers they can go find some “special youths” for them to observe and this dialogue is just hurting my soul. I like writing dialogue so I’m just plain upset about this but anyway. Apparently Office Silver has a book but Cora tells him to keep it. Is this just a throwaway aside or will that book come back into play??

Oh god just STOP with the goddamn thunder sound effect!! What the fuck, Cora, it’s been storming for DAYS by the amount that sound effect has been used.

Oh, we have rejoined the hippie-dippy rock band with their story already in progress! They’re unloading a VW Van, which has been painted / graffittied all over, and the “lightning effect” keeps flashing as they move their gear into a cabin. With a tree conveniently placed to look like they’re “in the woods”. 

The woman is spreading a quit on the floor, dangerously close to an open flame, while the men unload. The cabin is… not well maintained and they expect more water inside than outside. Ha ha. Oh so they’re going to patch up the holes and fix the window. Sure.

Negative Dave bitches and says they should tear the whole cabin down. Benny tosses a Frisbee at his knees, which he drops, then teases the doggo with. He promptly throws it out the open door, the doggo chasing after it, and I’m going to hope doggo gets revenge on Negative Dave, who “shuts” the “door” on the dog. [Wing: Fuck you, Negative Dave. Fuck. You.]

The woman chews Negative Dave out and opens the door and starts calling for Virgo, while Negative Dave tries to defend his actions and says he didn’t hurt the doggo. How the fuck doggo “ran away” is confusing to me, but anyway, doggo is gone. And everyone is complaining and yelling and ugh. Smoke some weed and chill the fuck out already.

I wish I had names for these people. Lead guy demands Negative Dave apologize to his woman, who he just assured that Virgo would return and it will work out. Hippy lady is already meditating (?) on finding the dog’s spirit? What? Oh! Her name is Becky! Negative Dave “apologizes” to Becky but she ignores him, because she’s… doing something.

Over at Bert’s place, he’s thrashing in bed, as the lighting effect keeps blinding me. Cora has been reduced to sleeping on the couch and therefore does not see Bert violently sit up, transform into a werewolf, rip the bandages from his face. Well, mostly they were already gone, but whatever.

Um. The less said about the appearance of this werewolf the better. We have seen worse over the course of Snark! entries but this is not great. The “paws” / hands are black fur where the rest of the fur is shades of brown and grey. Um. Oh, the teeth… that’s just pathetic. Tiny little fangy-wangys. Can’t do shit with those. [Wing: Aww, aren’t you a precious little werewolf, aren’t you such a sweet thing.]

Cora heard nothing, even though Were!Bert made a weird yell/snarl/growl noise at the conclusion of his transformation. All that damn thunder is just TOO LOUD.

Oh noes! Were!Bert has exited his sick bed and gone out the open bedroom window! And now his fur is auburn! And the rest of his clothes are intact, in spite of his full-body transformation! Sure. I’m almost certain he’s wearing the same clothes he was electrocuted in, and they show NO DAMAGE whatsoever. HOW DOES ELECTROCUTION WORK. ALSO HOW DOES BEING ELECTROCUTED TURN YOU INTO A WEREWOLF. I HAVE QUESTIONS.

Oh noes! Were!Bert is running amok and – what was it, Virgo? – starts barking! At Were!Bert! This is incredibly hard to watch, it’s very dark and shaky (watch out, Wing) and the goddamn lightning effect is killing me and they just keep looping the thunder sound effect and ugh. This is an awful production. DO BETTER.

Becky starts SCREAMING and holding her head and yelling Virgo’s name and the men rush to her side. She tells Tom (the leader!) that she could feel Virgo’s pain, that he’s been hurt. Okay. Why not. They wrestle, Becky trying to go to Virgo while Tom holds her back, while Negative Dave bitches about how she always does this when she’s on her “cosmic trip”. Um. Okay. Tom tries again to reassure Becky that Virgo is okay but we all know doggo is NOT OKAY.

[Wing: Becky mentally vibing with Virgo and feeling his pain shocked the hell out of me. Did not see that actually being successful.]

Oh! A cop car! Driving along! They nearly hit Were!Bert! Oh noes! The cop car goes into a “controlled spin”, which is just too cheesy, before it stops and the two cops get out and complain that they thought all the kids from the festival had already gone home.

DUDE. You nearly hit a grown man in a fucking ridiculous werewolf costume. How did you not mistake him for at minimum a deer or a bear or something? Or even a dog?? You just defaulted to hippy?? “I wonder how much drugs this one’s on?” Oh please. [Wing: How much drugs are you two on?]

The cops split up, one going to get the drugged out hippy kid, as the lightning flashes and the music has a bit of an ominous beat to it. And that’s when Were!Bert leaps out of the tree and attacks the cop, kind of poorly, there’s a lot of fake slashing and overdramatic screaming (but no blood) and more stupid lightning before Were!Bert runs away.

The still living cop calls out for Charlie, his dim flashlight illuminating nothing, until he ACTUALLY STUMBLES OVER HIS DEAD PARTNER’S BODY just as the stupid lightning flashes. Wow. Pretty sure he was visible but okay. He rushes to the body and looks at it, but attempts no living saving measures or anything. Is he supposed to be in shock and/or disbelief? Because I dunno, I feel like EFFORTS WOULD BE MADE but there’s nothing. Were!Bert howls in the distance (or off screen at least.)

Fade to black. I wish there were commercials.

We return to an image of a tape reel running, and it’s the cop recounting what happened to poor old Charlie. They nearly hit a “guy with long hair and a beard” and anyway, the camera pulls back to reveal a big book entitled WITCHES AND WITCHCRAFT (that’s… that’s not at play here… is it?) being held by none other than Officer Byron, who is deeply paying attention to the recounting of Officer Charlie’s untimely death by Were!Bert.

I guess Officer Silver is there, wearing a crocheted hat (??) while Raymond tries to foist chili on them. [Wing: But is it made of people…?] Huh? Byron wants to listen to the tape again but Raymond says they’d done so over a hundred times (???) and doesn’t she just want some chili?

Apparently when he’s upset, Raymond cooks. Just chili or what? He doesn’t drink or smoke, he cooks. Okay. He keeps calling Byron “sweetheart” (this is an HR nightmare) and tells her to listen to the tape again. He insists Silver reread the written report because “people around here go to the barber” and this dude had long hair and a beard.

Also, I forgot, but there was mention of a ‘mangled and broken body’ in the morgue, aka Officer Charlie. But I got news, Were!Bert did not do shit to him, it was barely anything. Did he go back to the scene of the crime before the coroner’s department got there?

“Teeth marks” are made by “some weapon”?? WHAT. Officer Silver introduces the idea of a “creature” into the suspect list. And then he suggests an ‘angry Bigfoot’.

“Who??” Raymond asks, because apparently he has zero idea about Sasquatch. I guess this is the 70s, was it a thing then or still relatively new to white people? [Wing: New York state had a run of bigfoot sightings in the 70s, I think, if not earlier, so no, he probably should have at least have an idea of the concept.]

Apparently Charlie was not killed by a legend, something that’s half man, half ape. NO HE WAS KILLED BY WERE!BERT, A WEREWOLF.

Officer Byron asks if the body is still in the morgue? She wants to see it. Raymond announces he’s following the evidence in this case and it all points at a HIPPY. Wow. Such police work, much evidence.

Over at the house, Cora walks into the bedroom and holy shit, was Were!Bert involved in some kinky shit last night???! Her shocked face beholds Were!Bert in bed, his bandages messed up, his arms raised, the covers askew and rumpled. Cora is shocked, just shocked, I tell you!

Cora notices the window’s open – how?? – and shuts it, all of this is done wordlessly, as she carries a glass of something over to Were!Bert. It’s time for his pills and she shoves them in his mouth, through the bandages, while talking very loudly as if he is deaf or something. Huh? She notes he must have had a rough night.

QUESTIONS: did he change clothes? I think he changed clothes! And how did he get the bandages back on??

Were!Bert mumbles so much I can’t hear him but there’s something about what happened and can hardly move in there. I dunno, you were running around, getting hit by cop cars, jumping from trees, and mauling a cop. No memories? No problem!

Oh, oh, he has zero memories but he remembers now being on the stage. Cora nods, adjusting his facial bandages, informing Were!Bert he almost killed himself. He needs to stay in bed and rest (HE SHOULD BE IN A HOSPITAL) and just as he asks who found him, Cora begins to explain it was the POWER COMPANY man but then the doorbell rings and interrupts. She leaves to go answer the door.

It’s Benny! (The drummer?) and he informs Cora that their dog ran away last night and Cora is all, nope, no dog, while Were!Bert yells from the bedroom. She yells back that it’s ‘some kid from the festival looking for a dog!’ This is all awkwardly written dialogue and poorly acted. Were!Bert continues to yell, telling Cora to tell the kid to ‘get out of here’. Wow. Were!Bert really hates hippies or anyone he thinks is a hippy.

Benny informs Cora he and his friends weren’t in attendance at the festival, to which Cora reassures him her husband is just a complete asshole that it’s okay, her husband had a bad accident and is in bed. Were!Bert yells louder, demanding to know if the kid has gone yet. We get a cut-away shot and everything! Benny’s all I’m gonna go and leaves. Were!Bert is still angry and Cora has to reassure her husband the hippy kid is gone.

Yeah, I’m good with Were!Bert meeting a terrible end, if it comes to that.

Over at NOT Spawn Ranch, the radio informs viewers that the first police slaying in seven years, following on the heels of the “successful” music festival. Um. I don’t know exactly what that guy is doing to whatever that is? Beating it with a rag? I guess they’re cleaning up the contents and furniture of the cabin? Still. Oh, it’s Negative Dave who is “helping” by not being a negative a-hole for once. Lead Guy is up on a ladder, coming down when Negative Dave walks over. 

I should point out that the radio said the cops are searching for “long haired non-residents” in the slaying of Charlie. So Negative Dave is PISSED and wants to leave, because they all fall under that description. Lead Guy says who’s going to bother them out here, when conveniently a cop car rolls up.

Lead Guy tells Negative Dave to cool it, they haven’t done shit, and Negative Dave is being an a-hole about it. Funny enough, Lead Guy has a hammer in his hands, as he and Negative Dave wander over to meet the cop. “I hope you kids have proper ID.” Wow, what a greeting. Way to set the tone, officer. [Wing: And toward white people at that. Shocking.]

Handing (or throwing, in Negative Dave’s case) their wallets over, the cop informs them the property is owned by the county. Negative Dave says they didn’t know – they’re there to record some music – and they sought shelter from the “terrible” storm.

That’s when Raymond and Silver ZOOM into the shot (I do not know cars, makes or models, but it’s silver and zoomy) and get out, as the cop tells Lead Guy and Negative Dave to not expect a warm reception from the locals. And now the groovy non-Mystery Machine VW Bus arrives, with Benny, who was out searching for Virgo.

Silver is all “what were you doing last night?” and Negative Dave is all “here comes the bust!”

Thankfully? Becky comes SCREAMING IN as she runs down the hill calling for Tom aka Lead Guy. There’s a lot of screaming and ugh. She’s trying to tell them she’s found Virgo, I got that much. Silver and Raymond go back up the hill as Lead Guy pulls a hysterical Becky away.

Raymond complains he doesn’t see no dog, when Silver tells him to look up. I’M OKAY WITH THEM NOT SHOWING ANYTHING BECAUSE POOR DOGGO BUT IT IS IMPLIED THAT VIRGO’S BODY IS IN THE TREE, DEAD.

BOOOOO. WHAT DID POOR VIRGO DO TO YOU, WERE!BERT??

[Wing: I hope all the dudes in this movie die horrible deaths. Where are you when I need you, John Wick?]

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

“You did notice how the dog was all twisted?” WOW. Way to come back from commercials. I hope there wasn’t an Alpo or Milk Bones commercial in the break. [Wing: I sincerely hope it was a dog food or dog treat commercial.] Silver is really interested in how the dog’s joints were bent back (???? we saw NOTHING so I cannot comment) but apparently it was JUST LIKE THE DEAD COP.

Now I have beef with this statement. I watched the cop “die” and none of his bones were twisted and his joints weren’t bent back, it was a low budget ‘fall down and you’re dead’ level of mauling. So no. Just no.

Raymond adds another piece of the puzzle. Autopsy found animal flesh and fur under the dead cop’s nails. Wait, are they trying to suggest he and Virgo killed each other???

Apparently not but I was preparing to yell at the screen. The type of animal remains unidentified but Silver is convinced they’re only looking for one killer. Well gold star for you. Raymond wants to know WHY because it is senseless (well, this is a fantasy television programme about a killer werewolf, so it’s of course senseless) and Silver adds whomever killed the cop and Virgo was very strong. Well, I guess being electrocuted into lycanism will do that.

Phrases I never thought I would type: “electrocuted into lycanism”

[Wing: I want a tattoo. Also, brb, grabbing power lines to see if this works.]

Guess it’s technically better, or at least a step up from, being bitten by a Yeti and turning into a werewolf, but I dunno, we never saw the Yeti who bit him.

Byron announces she has an angle but then refuses to say, wants to check it out before she “lays it on you”. Heavy, man. She says it’s strange but would explain things. Raymond begs for “no more science fiction”. I mean I guess werewolves are technically sci-fi but I’d lean more towards fantasy, but horror most decidedly.

“If I’m right, we don’t have ourselves another ordinary killer” (or that’s as close as I’m getting because I’m not rewinding the file.) OH GEE AND WE GET OMINOUS THUNDER SOUND EFFECT TO PUNCTUATE, TOO??

Weren’t these detectives or officers or whatever the fuck they are supposed to be going back to California? When did they decide to stay?? DID ANYONE EVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?? WHO WROTE THIS?!!

Welp, Were!Bert is back up and at them, ready to eat ‘em. The mask isn’t so bad… the teeth are pathetic and tiny and hilarious, but the face is not bad at all. You can clearly see his human lips inside the mouth/muzzle though. That’s… that’s unfortunate. [Wing: I expected a lot worse from the werewolf sfx, so this is pleasantly surprising. Sort of.]

I guess Cora forgot to nail that window shut, because Were!Bert is back outside.

Ah, back to Not Spawn Ranch, or the eastern seaboard equivalent to Not Spawn Ranch (I keep forgetting this is supposed to be upstate New York, everything SCREAMS California to me as a west coast resident) where Lead Guy is playing an acoustic guitar for Benny (what a love triangle that would be) while Negative Dave sits on the floor and Becky is mourning in front of a candle flame. Huh.

“Does anybody care that I’m sorry?” NO. NO WE DO NOT NEGATIVE A-HOLE DAVE. YOU’RE MAKING VIRGO’S DEATH ALL ABOUT YOU. PROBABLY AGAIN.

He goes on, because no one stops him, insisting he didn’t know Virgo would be viciously murdered by Were!Bert and tossed into a tree. Becky ain’t having it and Benny is all “It’s not your fault, Negative Dave.” in a final warning tone.

[Wing: Excuse me, Benny, it certainly the fuck is his fault.]

And now Negative Dave is insisting they leave and everything’s a bummer and this whole trip sucks and oH MY GOD PUT HIM OUTSIDE ALREADY FOR WERE!BERT TO CHEW ON. Becky finally snaps, tells him to shut up, and reminds him Virgo is dead. We already know. Something else about bad karma and another bit I couldn’t make out.

Oh fuck, now Lead Guy is giving cover to Negative Dave, saying he’s really sorry and Negative Dave says he’ll get Becky another dog (?!?!) [Wing: FUCK YOU, NEGATIVE DAVE. That’s not how it works.] and okay Were!Bert can show up already and take everyone out as far as I’m concerned. This is running so long, I know I have a shit attention span but c’mon, get with it, how is there 42 minutes left to go!?

Becky declines, because Virgo isn’t just another guitar or something. Oohhkay. And now Becky says Virgo’s spirit is still in pain and needs her. Um. Huh? No one in the room is buying this (including me) and Becky senses it so she gets up and puts on her coat. Lead Guy doesn’t want her going out, it’s fake lightning and thundering again.

“You’re not going out until we figure this thing out.” Okay, Scooby-Doo is dead, now what you gonna do, gang?? Zoinks, how will you solve this mystery?? Becky is still again Lead Guy going with her until he yells “I NEED YOU!” and that just makes everything okay again. The couple leaves and the camera zooms in on Benny playing. Why?

OUTSIDE Lead Guy and Becky walk along a path in the woods with a weak flashlight that doesn’t do squat to illuminate anything. [Wing: So much for not going anywhere until they figure things out.] She’s complaining that no one understands or believes what she feels (welcome to reality for women, Becky) and they’re laughing at her when SUDDENLY! Lead Guy claims to hear something and Becky doesn’t believe him, but that’s exactly when WERE!BERT… I can’t tell if he jumps from the trees or comes barreling at Lead Guy from the side but anyway, he takes down Lead Guy and Becky ditches and runs!

It “looks” like Were!Bert does “something” to Lead Guy but it ain’t anything. Now watch, they’ll claim he was mauled or twisted or whatever.

Becky is running, crying, stupidly stops to look back, and Were!Bert lopes around funnily like he’s half running, half crawling and it just doesn’t work. We only see things when the lightning effect flashes, that’s bad, but Becky is a’running for life, and you’d think Were!Bert would use his nose to sniff but I’m not sure what the fuck he’s doing. Listening? Looking??

Oh, no, he does it again and this time it seems Were!Bert picked up the scent? Ugh. C’mon, you have a wolfman and don’t know how to properly depict their senses?? Sigh.

Becky keeps running but I guess she’s meant to get real fucking lost because she’s in the middle of the set and still hasn’t found the cabin. Were!Bert  stops for a second and we get a very blurry shot of his “wolf feet” before we get a MOON ESTABLISHING SHOT and it is nowhere near full. WTAF. Suddenly Were!Bert decides to creep on his ridiculous feet towards a ‘hiding’ Becky.

THOSE ARE GLOVES ON HIS FEET. THE TOES DON’T BEND AT ALL AND THEY’RE FINGERS AND NOT TOES. NOT TO MENTION YOU CAN SEE THE SOLES OF THE SHOES ON HIS HUMAN FEET.

B- for effort there, since they tried something but it just looks wrong, almost like gorilla feet but not even that. Too many long “toes”.

Were!Bert pauses, Becky begins breathing then starts to run, and Were!Bert is off! More running and crying, and now there’s a “hill” shot at an angle to not show viewers it really isn’t much of a hill but Becky is carefully picking her way down it as Were!Bert continues to chase.

Wait! When did she lose her coat?? What?! She falls face first into the creek (stream?) with a big splash! Were!Bert finds the stream (creek?) and starts yelling/snarling/making shitty aggressive ‘wolf’ noises before running after her. At first I thought he was yelling at the water – ala vampires not able to cross running water – but no, he’s running in it now, following Becky.

Oh, okay, Becky just sat down in a copse of trees. Sure. That’s going to hide you. She thinks she’s safe, panting and holding her stomach, when Were!Bert pops up in the crotch of two trees in silence and I really wish he’d screamed “HERE’S JOHNNY!” or something but no. He does remain absolutely silent, while Becky below holds her breath.

HOLD UP. BECKY KNEW HE WAS THERE?? And because she didn’t make a sound, Were!Bert ran away??? HOW DID HE NOT SMELL HER?? SHE’S ALL SWEATY AND GROSS AND FELL IN THE CREEK (STREAM?) AND WHAT???

NOW I HAVE TO ACTUALLY ASK: HOW DO WEREWOLVES WORK?

I honestly thought Becky was getting up to walk away but SURPRISE! Were!Bert is standing there. She screams and faints. Were!Bert picks her up under an arm and walks away. Okay wow, that carry was impressive, but still.

Now Were!Bert is crossing a bridge into a building, something likely to do with a railroad based on the tracks below the bridge. More stupid lightning and thunder effects. I guess it’s the only way you see anything in the picture, it’s so dark and poorly illuminated otherwise. He walks along the bridge carrying Becky before entering the building, which I guess is full of staircases, which he takes down while still carrying Becky. Like I am impressed at how he is carrying the actress, it’s like amazing. She’s playing deadweight and he’s carrying her with ONE ARM.

At the bottom of the stairs, he deposits her on some old bags of something. Becky comes to, watching Were!Bert disappears into a back space, asking aloud where she is. Were!Bert answers in snarls and growls before he comes back with a bunch of rope to tie Becky up. She starts screaming as she sees him and they wrestle awkwardly while Becky begs him to NOT tie her up.

[Wing: Expected this to go to the werewolf rape idea and was relieved when it didn’t. Wish that wasn’t a legitimate thing I have to worry about.]

The fact this stops Were!Bert as well as the fact Becky swears she won’t run… I have questions. Becky stares at Were!Bert and asks why’d he kill her dog. [Wing: You’d better kill me, too, Were!Bert, because I’m coming for your throat. Can’t be any more difficult with my teeth than with yours.] Huh. Were!Bert seems ashamed (?) as Becky cries over Virgo BEFORE HE PATS HER HAIR.

Okay… what?

Becky immediately snaps and says not to touch her and promises again she won’t run.

BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER because we’re back at the cabin, Lead Guy walking in ALIVE but maybe slightly injured, demanding to know where Becky is. Benny and Negative Dave inform him Becky was with him, so where is she. He recounts how they heard something and he got hit and ‘wiped out’ (you weren’t surfing) and he clearly has a bleeding head wound no one bothered to put fake blood on for extra realism. I don’t think they could do that on broadcast television in the 70s, anyway.

There’s a lot of arguing and Negative Dave putting on his shoes and Benny yelling that he and Negative Dave will go find Becky. Lead Guy says he’s going to go find a phone. Negative Dave wants to know what Lead Guy will do with a phone. (Negative Dave is fucking stupid.) Lead Guy informs Negative Dave he will be phoning a cop. I mean, okay, what else can he do, this isn’t a ghost that needs busting.

SUDDENLY there is a cop! And he’s taking notes or a statement as Benny talks and it’s now daylight and Negative Dave continues to be useless. The not Spawn Ranch is crawling with cops as well as Raymond, who is informed that there’s no use in using dogs; the scent disappears at the edge of the woods.

…WHAT DO YOU THINK DOGS ARE FOR??

“Where’d it go? UP?” Raymond asks, before telling the officer to try again. I mean he’s not wrong. He remembers Virgo’s body IN THE TREE. So, yeah, go let the dogs SMELL things and find the trail. Like dogs are supposed to do.

Officer Silver is privately interviewing Lead Guy, who runs through his story again. No new information detected. Suddenly, the not-a-K9 officer finds something in the grass. No one is wearing gloves and Raymond takes the piece of evidence in his bare hands and touches it ALL OVER. Ugh. It appears to be a watch or bracelet with the inscription: TO BERT WITH LOVE, CORA

I dunno. Who could it possibly belong to?? Just no telling where it came from or whom it belongs to.

“Is that the same guy who had the accident?” Officer Silver asks and I want to rip that stupid looking hat off his head. Raymond actually remembers he knows a Bert Anderson! WHAT A STRANGE AND TOTAL COINCIDENCE THAT HE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE MARRIED TO A CORA! But it can’t possibly be the same people!

Silver questions why the watch is there. Raymond says LOST IT OBVS. Um, dude is supposed to be in bed, BURNT TO A CRISP. Silver thinks they should ask Bert. Nope, they ask Cora instead, who confirms she gave it to Bert three years prior for the anniversary. Shit, the veterinarian “doctor” is back and wanders out from “checking on” Bert to see what Raymond and Silver are there for. They tell him they found the watch while investigating another matter. A MURDER. A MURDER MATTER.

“Doctor” whatever the fuck his name is I’m not going to scroll back and find it at this point says the watch had to be there in the woods a while, Bert hasn’t been out since ‘the accident’. He even adds that Bert couldn’t make it into the living room without tremendous difficulty and pain. HUH. REALLY. DON’T YOU THINK THAT QUALIFIES HOSPITALIZATION, “DOCTOR”?? [Wing: Nope.]

Basically here is Bert’s alibi and nope, he couldn’t have dropped the watch recently. Sure. Cora adds it must have been lost the night of the accident. Raymond concurs and Silver looks doubtful but CASE CLOSED.

Silver asks permission to take it to the lab. Huh, you’ve got your BARE HANDS all the fuck over it, no evidence bag, no gloves, IT’S ENTIRELY CONTAMMINATED BUT SURE HAVE THE LAB PROCESS IT ANYWAY.

Bert starts yelling for Cora, but the “doctor” tells her he’ll handle it and goes to the bedroom. Cora looks confused. Welcome to the club. In the bedroom, they have taped – with actual masking tape? What the fuck? – the bandages back onto Bert’s face. He’s human now, and talking normally, and how the fuck was this man so grievously electrocuted only a few days ago. Completely non-believable. Even for a fucking werewolf. He’s complaining because he heard noises.

The “doctor” just recounts the whole prior scene, saying the detectives were there and found a watch he lost “the night of the accident”. In a place he never was. Sure. RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT. (If you heard that in Jake Peralta’s voice, we can be friends.) [Wing: Cool motive, still murder.]

I don’t know why the “doctor” just examined Bert’s pants hanging on the rack – I think those were pants? The cuffs of something, looking like he was checking for dirt or mud maybe? – but anyway that was a LONG pause and clearly the “doctor” now has questions. JOIN THE CLUB, BUDDY. I ALWAYS HAVE QUESTIONS. The “doctor” takes his leave, saying he’ll check in again tomorrow. Then we see Bert looking at his pants the camera even gives us an extra tight closeup. Okay. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SEE? OR NOT SEE? HOW ARE HIS CLOTHES NOT BURNED RAGS??

And we’ll be right back! (God I am so mad there’s no commercials.)

And we’re back in the police station? Office? This is confusing, because there’s a fucking stove and Raymond is stirring what I will guess is tomato sauce in a pot while Silver chops up something next to him. Only Byron is doing any actual police work. Oh my bad, those are hot plates. STILL. What kind of whacky backwoods law enforcement office is this? Anyway, he has accepted that Bert didn’t lose the watch because he’s been in bed for 48 hours and some kid left over from the festival and quote “SPACED OUT OF HIS MIND” is responsible. For what? Watch theft or murder? Doggo murder? Who wrote this!?

Silver doesn’t buy any of what Raymond’s selling. I guess he’s our only true skeptic. Raymond tells Silver to stop helping, can’t he see the man is upset, then makes Silver taste the sauce. “Give up cooking,” Silver informs him, stomping away. Then tells him to add oregano. Ha ha.

Byron poses that it was Bert Anderson, upsetting Raymond who interrupts her but Byron doesn’t stop, presses forward, saying it was a Bert Anderson they don’t know. Okay, colour me intrigued. She explains there’s been a lot of study of electrical shock damaging tissues and organs. Uh huh. Usually it results in DEATH but go on. Okay now she’s talking about testing rats with electrical shocks and how they grew hair (fur?) at five times the normal speed. Huh?

She’s trying to correlate the recent electrical storms to Burt, even though Raymond points out the storms have ended. Research with the rats suggests the changes continued even after they were no longer being “electrically stimulated”. Then the cells changed into a “new and active variety”. Huh. Um. And that’s how you get a werewolf??

[Wing: This is fucking amazing. Much better than the Yeti bite at this point.]

Silver pulls Byron over a distance out of Raymond’s hearing and asks if the tissue belongs to a different species? Bryon confirms yes, one she and him have never seen. SURE SURE SURE SURE. Raymond, carrying the saucepan, tells them they’re crossing over the line. Bryon continues on, saying she’s seen too much stuff without answer. Silver adds Becky disappearing, the K9s losing the scent trail, all sorts of weird shit. Ooo spooky. 

Byron distracts Raymond from ranting by tasting the sauce and complimenting it. Still Raymond insists she cannot apply her theory to Bert. She counters the cop and Virgo were not killed by a human and she’s convinced. “I think something terrible has happened to Bert Anderson.”

DRAMATIC!! Wow, okay, Wing is totally here for Officer Byron. Not that she wasn’t but this is the moment. Am I right or am I right? [Wing: You are right. I was pretty neutral before, but I do like what she’s doing here.]

Well, there’s more fake lightning again so much for that going away and we’re back at Casa de Bert, zooming in on the bedroom window. Cora is confronting Bert in the bedroom and Bert doesn’t want to talk about it. Cora starts recounting weird shit that’s happened since the accident while Bert twitches and writhes on the bed. Cora snaps that it’s just lightning. Maybe a Thunder Shirt would help Bert?

Cora notes that every morning his bandages are off (they were?) and there’s fresh mud on his pants (??? WHERE???) and she KNOWS his watch was on his wrist when he was brought home after the accident. Bert is so mad he dramatically rises from his sick bed and smashes the tray and Cora sees something and starts screaming and runs from the room. I guess this is Bert becoming WERE!BERT!

From a corner of the living room, Cora watches Bert’s shadow on the rug as he tears off his pyjammas (I think?) or maybe it’s the bandages? and totally transforms into Were!Bert!! Wow, exciting! I mean, kudos for the clever transitioning via shadow. Don’t think we’ve seen anything exactly like that. Of course, now Were!Bert tries to attack Cora, who attempts to shut the bedroom door, just managing to do so before she wedges a chair under the doorknob.

Bummer, Were!Bert’s fist (paw?) comes through the door and tries to swipe at her, sending Cora screaming and dragging a heavy side table (the one the phone sits on) to block the door. Um. Good luck. Instead she picks up the heavy old rotary phone and I’m guessing she’s dialing because it’s sorely out of frame, but Were!Bert is snarling and growling and she’s got to call SOMEONE for help.

SHE FUCKING CALLED THE VETRINARIAN “DOCTOR”?!?!

Wow. She yells that he’s trying to kill her, Were!Bert that is, and the “doctor” calmly (lord, what bad acting) tells her to stay away, stay calm, and he’ll get help right away. DUDE.

The line goes dead because Were!Bert pulls the entire rotary phone into the bedroom, right out of Cora’s hands. She screams and Were!Bert destroys the phone, for reasons. Turning around in circles, he very suddenly leaps at the window, before a smash cut and slow motion show him crashing through the glass and landing outside. Sure. Why not. Also, when the fuck did he change clothes? I know we saw him shadow dancing the removal of his pyjammas but c’mon. Anyway, it’s all very DRAMATIC and ACTION FILLED, considering how fucking BORING the last 30-some minutes have been. [Wing: They saved all the budget for this part and the finale.]

OH AND COMMERCIAL BREAK BECAUSE OF COURSE.

God, remember commercial breaks? When you’d run to the bathroom? Or maybe just get up and grab something to eat/drink, praying you didn’t miss out or run out of commercials? Good times. 

Well, clearly that is not the phone in Cora’s home, it’s in one piece and being dialed. Oh, of course, it’s the veterinarian “doctor” who is doing his dead level best impression of NOT BEING IN A HURRY. He calls Raymond and tells him to get help to the Anderson place, ASAP. “Something has happened!” Um, pretty sure I remember Cora screaming he was going to kill her. “Bert’s gone crazy!” Well at least he admits that much? Raymond says he’ll dispatch a car and they may need his help. Dude.

Okay, yeah, you just try calling Cora back and telling her. Sure. HE FUCKING CALLS THE OPERATOR INSTEAD OF DIALING! Yes, I know this was a thing, and is still a thing technically but c’mon. I’ll give the writers props for using this to speed up a BORING AF script. The operator informs the “doctor” the line is out of order. I guess this means there was only ONE telephone in that house, shocking. BUT accurate.

The “doctor” starts to mosey across the room when SUDDENLY THE DOOR TO HIS OFFICE BURSTS INWARDS AND HERE’S WERE!BERT! Okay! Here we go! This is suddenly random AND exciting! Or at least we’re getting action. FINALLY.

[Wing: But why did he randomly come for the doctor? Does he have a kill list? Is he smart enough to understand what Cora said on the phone?]

Apparently “doctor” Marlow doesn’t have a staff or secretary, because Were!Bert walked right in the building unchecked (that we know of) and busted down the door. The “doctor” tries to use the gurney to keep Were!Bert at bay but Were!Bert FLIPS THE TABLE and sends the “doctor” flying, crashing into and over his desk and everything is just busting apart and breaking and WOW CHAOS YES!!

The men fight, wrestle, Were!Bert is attacking and screaming and everything’s getting broken (and very obviously meant to break apart, this is hilarious) while the “doctor” rolls around and gets tossed across the space. Yes! I didn’t know what I was missing but it’s this, apparently.

I think the “doctor” threw some kind of liquid in Were!Bert’s face? He screams a lot then pseudo-karate chops the “doctor’s” arm and picks him up before tossing him into a huge EMPTY medicine cabinet that prompt falls down atop him. Uh oh. In the middle of the tussle, Silver arrives to pick up the “doctor” and starts ringing the door buzzer. Were!Bert pauses, basically the “doctor” is at minimum unconscious, possibly dead, and hears Silver outside, yelling for Marlow.

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, Silver just “kicked in” the front door, who built these sets?!

The “doctor” is still alive, somehow, and has actual SFX makeup to give him bruises and injuries! Wow! He mumbles “WOLF!” at Silver, who finds him in the carnage of his office. “Bert! Help Cora!” Silver is shit at his job, he does NOTHING to help the “doctor” and wanders out of the office, leaving the man lying there on the floor.

We get stock footage of a thunder and lightning storm, which… okay. Thanks. You keep using the sound effect and the flashing lights but now we know what you’ve been implying all along?

BACK AT YE OLD RAILROAD BUILDING MILL STORAGE UNIT where Were!Bert is descending the stairs, we find Becky alive and hiding behind the bannister? Yep, Were!Bert looks around and seemingly sniffs even though she’s standing TWO FEET AWAY before he just lays down on the bags of whatever. Becky sees her chance and takes off up the stairs, because Were!Bert either didn’t tie her up or he poorly tied her up and she freed herself. Take your pick.

I guess Were!Bert is injured? His mask is all wet (“I hope this is sweat.”) and he seems to be bleeding? And looks pretty bad? Hard to tell. You’re a werewolf, dude, SHAKE IT OFF. Becky stops and looks at him and finds a NEW PET PROJECT (I had to, it was sitting right there) [Wing: NOPE.] before cautiously returning to his side. The soundtrack is so groovy man, I can’t tell if the music is supposed to be romantic or what.

Undoing her scarf, she tries to tend to Were!Bert’s head wound. Aw. It’s Beauty and the Beast, y’all. Were!Bert looks like a deranged chihuahua, this angle is doing the makeup no favors.

[Wing: It’s kind of sweet but also, HE KILLED YOUR DOG WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING?]

AND COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Over at Raymond’s office, he’s pacing while Silver contemplates. Raymond has been informed of Were!Bert and thinks Silver is nuts. Silver disagrees. He threatens in a veiled way that Silver will be put in a mental ward. Byron chimes in that she would be locked away too, because she believes Silver. Between the “doctor” saying wolf and Cora seeing Were!Bert’s transformation, the two officers consider it a closed and shut case. I guess we’re not going to do anything about it but say yes there’s a WEREWOLF ON DA LOOSE!

Apparently the full moon does not play a role in Were!Bert’s transformation, so just disabuse yourself of that old wives’ tale. Raymond laughs that it’s 1969 (no, it’s 1975, I looked) and Were!Bert is a “modern electrical werewolf”! Okay that’s hilarious. It’s like The Electric Grandma!

[Wing: Werewolf robots. Hearts and stars in my eyes.]

Byron continues to push her theory involving tissue changes in rats and Raymond isn’t buying that. The phone rings. Raymond sarcastically answers “House of Horrors!” only to be promptly informed that the “doctor” has just died. Wow that’s quick, fast notification. Oops. Um, sorry, “doctor”. A lot of this is your fault.

Anyway, Raymond has decided to bring in Were!Bert. But of course Lead Guy bursts in and apologizes but demands to know where Becky is. Silver tells him to sit down, they have a theory. Silver makes Byron analyze Were!Bert’s human form – she’s never met the man? Does it matter?? – and says he could be, basically, out of control. Sure. Why not. Raymond points out Bert – human Bert – hated music, festivals, music festivals, and kids. I guess that explains why he and Cora aren’t parents. “He hated everything!” [Wing: That’s a bit of an excessive escalation there, considering the previous list is basically only three things.]

Byron says his hate would intensify and become obsessive, basically. Okay. Silver asks if Were!Bert were confronted by the thing he hates most, what would he do? She answers Were!Bert would likely try to destroy it. Um, how is he going to destroy Woodstock? Oh, oh right, you mean a kid! And by kid you mean Becky!

And now Silver has a wild idea: Lead Guy, Benny, and Negative Dave need to set up all the speakers they’ve got and play. PLAY MUSIC! PRETEND TO BE A FESTIVAL! IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ELECTRICAL STORM! [Wing: Honestly, I’m here for this logic.]

Then he gets weird and starts to describe white noise… what the fuck? Byron adds that canines and wolves are susceptible to high frequencies. Okay. So am I but anyway. Raymond calls the guard unit to get a PA system, they’re trying to lay some sort of trap to disarm/disable Were!Bert. How does this bring back Becky?

Apparently all this noise will “take the werewolf”. Boy Lead Guy is unhappy / shocked about that revelation. No one seems interested in explaining things to him, as Byron announces they can’t capture Were!Bert like a normal suspect. Raymond tries to lay it on thick with guard troops and extra men but Bryon explains they need silver bullets. Cue multiple men being shocked in disbelief. Apparently Bryon thinks ballistics can just whip up a bunch of silver bullets ASAP.

With the current cost of silver in 2025…

Anyway, Bryon goes off to do something… not sure what… while Lead Guy is still stuck on “WEREWOLF???” [Wing: To be fair to him, this is a valid response.] Raymond and Silver continue to discuss, Silver stating they need an observation platform to see when Were!Bert comes into view.

Cue footage of a cop standing on a hill with binoculars, surveilling the meadow. Uh huh. This is literally footage from the actual Woodstock? Or its aftermath, maybe? The shitty prop stage in this does not look like that. And those hills are decidedly CALIFORNIAN HILLS.

Down at the “stage”, where Lead Guy and Co are setting up, Silver lays out the plan. An officer brings him a rifle loaded with tranquilizers to “stop” Were!Bert. Do those ever work? Raymond reminds him of the silver bullets but Silver wants to take Were!Bert alive! Well, good luck.

OH FUCKS SAKE. Silver is using a bullhorn to instruct everyone to stay undercover, so we get a cop PUTTING A THIN TREE BRANCH over the hood of the patrol car. I cannot. Another pair of officers are doing a slightly but still poor job of hiding their vehicle. I was distracted by this stupidity but I think Silver said something about waiting until the music and/or drugs have kicked in and/or distracted him before they move in. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

I think Wing and I could come up with a better plan, even 12% of a plan, that would be WAY MORE SUCCESSFUL than this bullshit idea. [Wing: Obviously, but also, this is so ridiculously entertaining.]

Silver drives away in a military jeep, to fuck off to who knows where to watch the proceedings. Raymond instructs Lead Guy that this will be the most important performance of their lives, and in not so many words, to NOT FUCK IT UP. I guess if you want Becky back, you better play well. And loudly.

Now we get generic rock guitars while watching cars and jeeps pull up in positional view points because that’s fun. Lots of tense, pointed anticipated zoom ins on the main character (and that one random cop on a hill!) to build suspense. It’s not working but maybe it worked in 1975. Sorry, I grew up in the 80s, I’m a Swamp of Sadness survivor.

Wow, they actually “dressed the set” with a fuck ton of litter and other trash. Wow. Just… wow. I guess that’s commitment.

OVER IN YE OLDE MILL TRAIN STATION STORAGE WAREHOUSE, Becky can hear her boy’s guitar and the others blaring out rock music from a distance. Were!Bert, in spite of his injuries, is up and snarling, grabbing the railing and looking up the stairs towards the source of the cacophony. He howls and Becky is all THAT’S MY BAND! Right. She actually says they never play that loud. HOW ODD.

You trying to tell me they never play that loud? BULLSHIT.

Apparently Becky has made friends with Were!Bert, because she is able to stop him and suggest she go see what is happening. Huh? So she was nice and dabbed his “wound” with her head scarf and we’ve totally gone full Beauty and the Beast here? SURE.

She begs him to let her go and see, that she won’t run away, etc, etc, etc, but Were!Bert isn’t having it and eventually knocks her back while he runs up the stairs. Becky spins and “falls” to sit on the steps, still begging. She starts crying, not wishing to be left in the whatever this building is. I think the noise is supposed to be Were!Bert locking her in but who knows. 

COMMERCIALS!

Well, Were!Bert is getting his cardio in, running across the bridge to the hill, stopping to howl and cover his ears. Because… why not. Must register his absolute disgust and horror at the generic rock music. WAIT TIL HE SEES ALL THE TRASH ON THE GROUND!

We do a quick check in and suddenly the cop on a hill spots Were!Bert! “There’s someone… or something!” Um, shouldn’t you have good quality binoculars? I know, I know, it’s 1975, they don’t have the tactical gear we presently have but c’mon.

Yeah this “band” is not playing their instruments and it shows quite clearly in that cutaway.

Silver informs everyone this is it – ??? – and we get constant clips of everyone’s expressions / reactions and I’m like JUST GET THIS OVER WITH ALREADY. OH FUCK NOW THE SIRENS ARE ON AND NEGATIVE DAVE MESSES WITH THE AMPS AND THEY’RE TRYING TO CREATE WHITE NOISE (I’m guessing here) and I HATE THIS SO MUCH. [Wing: I cannot with this noise. Of all the effects they half-assed, they had to make this noise actually exist?]

It works, Were!Bert stops running and starts holding his ears (or his human ears, the makeup is weird) and both Silver and Raymond give the go signal (WHO THE FUCK IS IN CHARGE HERE) and the cops just drive through the hastily placed shrubbery used to hide their cars and I’m laughing at that. At least three cars, it’s supposed to be four, are driving towards the center of the meadow while Lead Guy fake plays guitar.

Silver, STANDING UP IN THE JEEP, aims and fires his rifle with the tranquilizers. How the jeep continued to drive straight-ish begs the question but the dart goes into Were!Bert’s thigh and takes him down. He’s writhing on the ground. But it doesn’t work well enough, because he’s up and seeing everyone in a haze.

The cars aren’t even fucking moving, the fucking camera is making shitty circles to pretend Were!Bert is affected by the drugs. (Look out, Wing.) [Wing: Blargh.]

Were!Bert screams a lot then jumps on the hood of one of the cop cars before pulling the officer through the open window. Huh? WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR WINDOW DOWN WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY DEALING WITH A SUPERNATURAL CREATURE?? He throws the dude on the ground and begins to run out of the meadow, everyone else chasing him on foot. THIS WASN’T EVEN 12% OF A FUCKING PLAN.

My bad. Were!Bert makes it to the tree line and disappears while the rest go over to help the officer. I mean, good? But also, aren’t you supposed to be capturing the werewolf?

Silver asks Raymond where Were!Bert would run to hide. WHY DIDN’T WE ASK THIS QUESTION YESTERDAY?? Raymond has no good answer, no answer at all in fact. He’s too stunned they’ve got an actual werewolf problem. [Wing: Guess it suddenly became real.]

Suddenly Raymond remembers a place where Were!Bert might go. Apparently he hid out there after fighting with his father back in the day. Something about a burned down house and no real description given but I’m going to assume (correctly) it’s that weird storage place next to the train tracks. Because at this point there’s ten-ish minutes left and we don’t have time to introduce a new location.

OH GOD THANK YOU THEY ABRUPTLY STOPPED PLAYING THAT STUPID ROCK MUSIC I didn’t even notice. Lead Guy, Negative Dave, and Benny watch the two officers drive away without telling them anything. I wish it was the last we’d see of them but you just know they’ll be back. I can’t tell if the wounded officer is still in the meadow but it looks like the space has been abandoned, so…

This is a ridiculously LONG shot of the cars driving away. Haven’t ever been to New York, the city or state, I do not know if they have hills there. I can very confidently say the hills in this television show are located in California. I might also swear they are the same hills used in M*A*S*H* or maybe even Little House on the Prairie though I am more familiar with the former. Apparently my mother did not think letting me watch M*A*S*H* (the show, not the movie) as a child was problematic. [Wing: Same, actually. We couldn’t do horror (at least in the house) but war things were fine, especially WWII things. Hit close to home for her, I suppose.]

Were!Bert has indeed returned to the “old shack” aka the warehouse building by the train tracks. He stumbles across the bridge before entering, and then we’re treated to more of the stupid “tranquilized werewolf POV” we really don’t need. It’s not good or very effective. I mean it reminds me of how things look when I don’t wear my glasses (yay terrible astigmatism!) but c’mon.

Oh for fuck’s sake Becky is repeating “why did they have to hurt you?” over and over as Were!Bert stumbles down the stairs. I swear to god, if she starts calling him Libra, I quit. [Wing: HE KILLED YOUR DOG WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE.] She has the stones to chide him about leaving her and going to find the music and that results in Were!Bert picking her up and carrying her back up the stairs while Becky protests.

She insists if he goes outside they will kill him. Cue the sirens, the cops are most decidedly on their way. Only it’s not the cop cars, it’s the jeep and the… whatever Raymond drives and I cannot see sirens but they’re blaring away obnoxiously. Were!Bert runs across the bridge carrying Becky, and Silver turns the jeep to try and cut him off at the pass.

Oh wait, there’s the black and white, late. Of course. SHUT YOUR FUCKING SIREN OFF ALREADY.

Up on the hillside, Were!Bert eventually has to drop Becky but he’s still got her by the arms, dragging her along as he snarls and growls, until he picks her up a second time. Wow. Much acting. He eventually puts her down AGAIN but pulls her along as he runs down a hill, pulling her hair because it’s trapped in their clasped hands. I KNOW THIS FEELING AND IT SUCKS the perils of long hair.

Suddenly they come upon a dune buggy (???!??) parked in the grass. Were!Bert jumps into it (i mean it’s open, no roof, not hard) and pulls Becky into the passenger seat. A man runs up, screaming at him, but Were!Bert just knocks him out cold with one swipe of his paw (hand?) before trying to turn on the dune buggy.

I must admit, a photo of the werewolf in the dune buggy was partly how I discovered this film. It is hilarious and too comical for words. [Wing: Adore it. This would have tempted me into watching. I used to love a boon duggy, as I apparently called them when I was a wee baby!Wing.]

I guess the fact he cannot get the dune buggy to start, and this is based on the strange sound effect noises that keep playing every time he turns the key, is supposed to be part of the electrical storm? I dunno. Maybe that’s a reach. Anyway, Raymond and two officers are nearly down the hill and upon him when suddenly the starter turns over and Were!Bert ZOOOOOOMS away!

Werewolves on Wheels: Electric Boogaloo, Part Deux!!

Oh, and there’s Silver, in the jeep, who FAILED to cut Were!Bert off at the pass. Dumb ass.

Raymond orders everyone back to their cars, Silver is gonna need backup. Were!Bert is driving recklessly through curves on dirt roads and Silver is in hot pursuit and I swear to god that road was in M*A*S*H* so yeah. We’re in the middle of a were!chase now!

I guess Raymond used his walkie talkie to talk to Silver? And they know Were!Bert is headed to the power plant? (HOW) So everyone saddles up, I mean gets in their cars, and starts driving. Man. This is not as action-filled as it should be. I guess so long as it’s not ten fucking minutes of a van driving through Canada, we’re doing okay.

The soundtrack score to this… someone is not Jimi Hendrix and it’s plainly obvious.

Yes, let’s watch multiple different cars drive down the SAME FUCKING ROAD over and over OH LOOK THE MYSTERY MACHINE HAS JOINED THE CHASE!! I should mention Becky is holding on for dear life inside the dune buggy. Doubt it has seatbelts. And the Mystery Machine pulls a u-turn and sets off in hot pursuit of the dune buggy, jeep, and Raymond’s car.

COMMERCIAL TIME!!

I’m not sure if the copy I am viewing has a glitch or missing footage – it picks up abruptly (seemingly) as Were!Bert is dragging Becky under some chain link fencing into a power substation. Cool theory and all, bro, mixing werewolves with electricity. Almost like they were trying for a Frankenstein’s monster – I mean Were!Bert consistently growls and makes noises like the monster – but anyway I would much rather be watching Del Toro’s new Frankenstein film right now than this. It’s probably more mentally and visually stimulating and I have no one to blame but myself for picking this nightmare. Of course if I picked a film I enjoyed, I’d ruin it by trying to recap it. No winning. AT LEAST WING IS HERE WITH ME TO MAKE THIS BEARABLE! [Wing: The worse bat’s choices are, the more fun I end up having overall. This is the kind of awful that is also ridiculous fun.]

There’s literally no sign of the dune buggy, abandoned, but Silver pulls the jeep over next to the substation. Sure. Why not. No wait, he drove away? Huh? Raymond shows up next and this is like the shittiest slow speed let’s watch these cars drive because we have to fill the running time car chase. Sigh.

Were!Bert has yet again picked up Becky and is carrying her around in the substation, where the camera zooms in POINTEDLY on a “DANGER HIGH VOLTAGE” sign. Like we don’t know.

Wait. Does he intend to turn Becky into an electric werewolf bride?? OOOHH, that’s an idea! Now I kinda wanna watch Lisa Frankenstein again. Not a bad flick. Why do I want to watch all the things related to Frankenstein now? [Wing: I really enjoyed Lisa Frankenstein. Becky the electric werewolf bride is like 10x better than where this story is actually going, I guarantee it.]

Were!Bert has climbed at least three or four storeys now, and Silver stops the jeep, seeing them through the open side of the building. Were!Bert stops long enough to give Silver an angry look while Becky wails and screams for help. Where the fuck is Byron? Seriously?

Silver grabs the rifle and his walkie talkie as Raymond pulls in beside the jeep. Wow, I was watching with baited breath to see if Silver could actually cram that huge walkie talkie in his tight back pocket, I didn’t think his pants had enough room back there.

Were!Bert pulls a Donkey Kong and throws an empty metal barrel over the railing, it falls uselessly in front of the cars. [Wing: I cackled, especially considering I’m pretty sure this predates Donkey Kong.] Then he grabs Becky and it looks like he’s going to but doesn’t throw her over, too. Oh well. Would have been more exciting but he still has plans for her?

The dialogue in this is just… neither man reacts at all to the tossed metal barrel. Raymond just wanders over and asks if Silver is going to try the tranquilizers again. Like, fucking hell, you’re witnessing a WEREWOLF maybe act impressed or something?? Silver doesn’t think he can hit Were!Bert from the ground, so he wants to go in the substation. BY ALL MEANS. DO FUCKING SOMETHING. There’s all of 5 minutes left to go! [Wing: They blew all the action money earlier.]

So Silver goes in while Raymond yells they’ll create a DIVERSION. Who? You’re fucking alone right now, old man. Oh wait, the sirens are back. Ugh.

Wow, Silver becomes Super Mario all of a sudden, racing into the building and up the stairs and leaping and shit. I guess they reminded him he’s on the clock? He sees Were!Bert above him, they both stop long enough to look at each other, and then Silver is speeding again.

The Mystery Machine pulls up just as Raymond retrieves his walkie talkie from the car… HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THE LENGTH OF THAT ANTENNA. Don’t put your eye out dude. Lead Guy runs up to him, yelling at Raymond, who tells him they’re trying to save his girlfriend and he needs to make noise. Huh.

HOW IS ANY OF THIS SUCCESSFUL AT ALL.

Oh god. Lead Guy races back to the Mystery Machine and tells Benny and Negative Dave to make noise. So they start slapping the roof and kicking the front of the van. NOT EFFECTIVE, BOYS. [Wing: This is possibly the stupidest reaction to a making noise request that I’ve ever seen.]

Silver is really hot on Were!Bert’s heels. And now Were!Bert is King Kong, climbing a large… I don’t know… generator? He’s still holding Becky like she’s Faye Ray, now he’s growling and yelling, and more cops have bothered to show up with their damn sirens and my ears hurt.

Now Silver is climbing up after Were!Bert and now the cops are climbing stairs… this is just dumb.

Were!Bert has put Becky down but still has her arm, she’s struggling to get free, when Were!Bert stops and looks at Silver down through the grated catwalk. Um. Visually this isn’t great. It should be but it isn’t.

OH SHIT FINALLY??? FINALLY we’ve reached the top of the tower? Building? WHATEVER?? And Were!Bert drops Becky AGAIN – when did he pick her up? EDITING??? – and he is very unhappy about the Lead Guy and co beating and making noise on their Mystery Machine so far below that it is impossible to hear the noise over the sounds of the electrical equipment and generators. What the actual fuck.

Were!Bert finally ditches Becky and runs up some MORE STAIRS (god, stairs are the new fucking nets) and she screams after him “No! They’ll kill you!” while Silver appears and manages to pull the walkie talkie from his pants (that is NOT a euphemism) to inform Raymond he’s found the girl. He wants to try and tranquilize Were!Bert, thinks one more dose should do it. Sure. You’ve got three minutes. How else could we possibly spend them?

No, don’t fucking stay there, Becky, go DOWN and get out of the substation. [Wing: She’s torn between screaming for help and screaming to save him, because why not.]

Were!Bert is standing on a girder, watching Silver approach and suddenly down below Byron arrives in yet ANOTHER black and white. Where the fuck have you been, lady?? Doing more research into electrical rats??

Oh for fuck’s sake, she’s got silver bullets. She got silver from a dentist and proceeds to lay out all this technical jargon about bullets and whatnot that I frankly do not need to know and Raymond is upset there’s all of ONE SILVER BULLET. [Wing: Don’t fucking miss, then.] Well, buddy, it’s a large caliber bullet – I’m guessing, based on the size of the prop – and now Were!Bert throws a metal trash bin down at them. This time they actually react and back away. Wow. How hard was that.

Oh noes. Silver left his walkie talkie with Becky, who hears Raymond squawking that they have a silver bullet and is he going to come back down to get it? Becky won’t like that. They’re going to kill her new pet project!

The camera is filming this from underneath a grated walk and while it’s cool, it’s also so stupid. Silver is a fucking idiot, Were!Bert is RIGHT THERE poorly hiding behind some sort of gas tank. Of course Were!Bert surprises him and pulls the rifle from his hands and starts cornering him on a catwalk. Because why not.

Now it’s cat and mouse along steel I-beams, Were!Bert chasing Silver – what is this, a game of Q-Bert?!!? – and they DECIDEDLY do not have mountain ranges like that one in the background in New York. Maybe they do? Eh, again, that’s totally California.

This is the most stupid stand off. Becky is watching and we didn’t really need to see her, she’s just mad they’re going to kill her new dog.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK DID THAT NO WAY NO FUCKING WAY RAYMOND FIRED THE SILVER BULLET FROM A RIFLE ON STREET LEVEL AND HIT WERE!BERT NO FUCKING WAY

Were!Bert grabs his chest [Wing: Dramatically.] and topples backwards. [Wing: Even more dramatically.] Becky screams. A HUGE DUMMY FALLS IN SLOWMOTION FROM THE TOP OF THE POWER STATION. Silver is suddenly collecting Becky, who is emotional and distraught that her new puppy is dead. OOooohh wait! Maybe she’s found an upgrade? A new boyfriend in Silver???? [Wing: At least this one didn’t kill her doggo. Or her new weredoggo, I guess.]

Raymond yells IT’S ALL OVER into the walkie talkie even though NO ONE is listening. He looks down at Were!Bert’s body – the dude has not changed back to human and there’s no bullet wound or blood and he’s surprisingly IN TACT after falling what, two or three stories to the ground? Sigh.

Oh wait, my bad, there’s blood. But it’s hard to see against the brown makeup. Man, that mouth is just BAD.

And the title superimposes over top of Were!Bert’s face as credits roll and the terrible score keeps playing, please put this out of its misery. Oh my god someone breaks in and announces the names of the musicians who played the music, please, please don’t let them make more music.

We end with a mixed exposure of the human Bert’s face superimposed over the Were!Bert’s face. It’s… not well done at all. Yikes. But this is why you sit through the credits, kids!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS FUCKING STUPID WASTE OF TIME, DICK CLARK.

(Why does his logo look like half of a Leviathan cross? The top half. Wild.)

Final Thoughts

I… I’m…

Hm. I had to put this one down and walk away. And now that I’m back to write my final thoughts… I just don’t have any? Like… this had its moments. Electrical shock creating a werewolf? Cool, interesting, very different. The execution? No, done poorly, stupid, and rather a waste of time. I get it was 1975, but c’mon.

For a television show this was probably a high budget thing. Which is saying something. What, I don’t know, but something. Wasn’t Kolchak: the Night Stalker on around this time, too? I love that show and it’s cheesy as hell and tried real hard with its special effects and shit. This is like… the concept would have worked for an episode (they have a werewolf episode) but the dialogue needs a ton of work and better actors would have helped.

It’s not bad; it becomes bad when I’m trying to recap it and it just drones on and on and moves way too slowly with all the action crammed in the last 15 minutes or so. Like, why did Bert hate hippies and Woodstock and stuff? Why did he used to fight with his dad and go hide in the old storage building by the railroad tracks? WHAT HAPPENED TO CORA?? Was she happy to be a widow? Is it so surprising that two officers from LA buy into esoteric woo-woo shit and immediately consult a book of witchcraft? I know there’s a lot of LA / Californian stereotypes and a lot of them came out of the 60s/70s, but geez.

Once was probably enough, I’ll never view this again. But now I can cross it off my list, because I watched an electrical werewolf steal a Dune Buggy and drive away in it.

[Wing: There were some surprisingly delightful moments, particularly the dune buggy werewolf theft and the electrical strike science, but overall, this felt like it took fucking hours and hours to watch, which is not at all what it should feel like. I can’t hate on the special effects, really, considering the low budget, but I can hate that they refused to light the fucking scenes so we could see them. (On the other hand, people criticism media of the past decade for doing that, too, as if it is the first time it’s ever happened, and this is an excellent example of that being false.)

As always, loved the recap and celebrating werewolf full moons and fall with bat and all you readers.]

Until next year, lycan and subscribe!