Recap #68: Friday the 13th (Uncut Deluxe Edition) by

13 June 2017

Cover of Friday the 13th the deluxe edition

Title: Friday the 13th – Uncut Deluxe Edition

Summary: RIP into a chilling new UNCUT DELUXE EDITION of Friday the 13th. With the addition of unrated footage, and insightful specials features, plunge deeper into the film that spawned eleven sequels and the genre’s unstoppable bad guy, Jason Voorhees. A new owner and several young counselors gather to reopen Camp Crystal Lake, where a young boy drowned and several vicious murders occurred years earlier. They’ve ignored the locals’ warnings that the place has a death curse… and one by one they find out how unlucky Friday the 13th can be as they are stalked by a violent killer. [Wing: They are really trying hard with that first sentence.]

Tagline: Fridays will never be the same again.

Note: The library didn’t have a copy of the DVD I was looking for but it did have the UNCUT version. Am I going to regret this? Probably.

Initial Thoughts

As a child born right smack at the beginning of the 80s, I have failed to see most of the classic 80s horror films that were big franchises while I was growing up. Has this kept me alive? As a “horror virgin”, I’d like to think so. [Wing: I’m grateful you are now risking death just to recap for us, Virgin.]

It’s difficult to tell people yes, I know you’re making a reference, but to what I don’t know. I know Jason is the killer dude in this series; I know Mike Meyers is in Halloween (which, ironically, I have seen the first and third installments of that series, but none of the rest or the reboots), and there was apparently a chainsaw massacre in Texas, but again I haven’t seen that, either.

Somehow I have seen three of the Child’s Play films. God, I hate Chucky.

Look, I love vampires and am generally desensitized to horror stuff, so it’ll be interesting to see not only how this film has aged but if it actually unsettles me in any shape or form.

That’s pretty damn hard for things to do at this point. (Event Horizon is, what, 20 years old but that one scared the shit out of me. And I don’t think I’ve watched it again since I saw it in 1997.) Pretty sure this recap is going to be 99% snark. I will try not to judge it too harshly on its age, as I know I’m viewing it 37 years after its release and a lot has changed in the horror genre since then. But I will be brutal when necessary.

I’m already pre-regretting settling for the “uncut” version of this, because I’ve had run-ins with “uncut” versions. Mostly good but some bad, and some scarred me for life. (True Romance uncut director’s version, I am looking at you. You fucked me up when I was 13.) Oh well, gotta work with what you’re given… or find at the library, I guess.

Oh, and what the hell do you mean there are ELEVEN MORE OF THESE? Shit. What have I gotten myself into…

Recap

A full moon, covered in dark clouds…

A title card that reveals this is 1958. Flashback time! It looks like the counselors are singing religious campfire songs in one cabin, while over in Fox cabin the campers are sleeping. [Wing: Aww, religious campfire songs. I’m having a nostalgia flashback to my own camp experience.]

Well, not for long.

Wow, no bunk beds? Really? Aren’t bunk beds a staple of camps? I guess cots are, too, but it seems strange there’s no bunk beds.

Back to the counselors! A couple strolls away from the group, hand in hand, to go make out. Well, isn’t this typical. The blanket is on the ground, this is starting taking a serious turn. Barry intends to prove he “meant everything”. Right, dude. Get back in bounds!

Whoever the unseen viewer is, the one that checked out the sleeping campers before hand, eventually finds Barry and the blonde counselor. At first Barry isn’t alarmed, and tries to uselessly brush off what the stranger walked in on, as “we weren’t doing anything”. Right. That always works!

You weren’t doing anything, suuuure, Barry.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+1)

Whoa, slash to the abdomen! Barry’s down!

Blonde counselor tries to run, stymied by junk in the attic space, screaming as she is cornered. Forever frozen in terror… it’s a smash cut to the Friday the 13th logo.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 2 (+1)

I’m gonna count that because we know she died, even though we didn’t see it.

Wait. All that was supposed to be scary? I mean, I guess so. Probably more so to people who: A) have been to summer camp and B) got caught making out in attic spaces at said summer camps? [Wing: I’m still just confused by the random attic spaces at summer camp. They should be making out in the woods like every other god-fearing camper and/or counselor.]

Ah, the good old days of credits at the beginning of movies, white text on black background. Nice. Short, sweet, and to the point.

A flash of solid white screen and we’re back to “Friday June 13 The Present”. Well, in 1980, maybe, but I’ll try to pretend it’s not 37 years later.

A woman with a camping pack moseys through a little town where everything seems quiet, with church bells chiming. A friendly mutt sits between the ancient gasoline pumps. She stops to ask the dog directions to Camp Crystal Lake. As you do.

Continuing on to get directions at the local lunch counter slash mini mart, because the dog was so unhelpful, the mere mention of Camp Crystal Lake draws stares and the waitress even turns down the radio. Damn. Awkward. Not a reaction I’d want to get.

Well, the waitress arranges a ride to a halfway point for Annie, from local oil truck driver Enos. Ralph, the town… drunk? “crazy”? “prophet of doom”! stops to warn Annie off before riding away on his bicycle.

Enos inquires of Annie what she knows of Camp Crystal Lake’s history. Of course, he doesn’t inform her but immediately demands her to quit. Then busts out the tales of the ’57 drowning, the ’58 murders, and the long list of misfortunes that have befallen the camp since, before repeating “quit”. Then he calls her dumb.

Yeah, that’s gonna win her over, Enos.

Then Enos drops her off in front of a cemetery. Wow.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+1)

Now we join a red Ford truck, filled with three young adults and OH MY GOD IS THAT KEVIN BACON?! Oh shit. I didn’t see THAT coming. I honestly did not know he was in this! Yeah, okay, figures.

The girl sitting between him and the driver is quite enamored of him. Well, let me predict: Kevin Bacon’s gonna die.

Ah, we’ve finally arrived at Camp Crystal Lake, where there’s a outdoorsy, shirtless dude chopping wood. So this is Steve Christy, the owner and proprietor of the camp. And now we meet Alice. Steve seems a little disorganized but Alice seems to have things in hand. The repair and cleanup work continues as they prepare for the campers to arrive.

Alice is an artist, who draws. She doesn’t like the camp. Steve and Alice have a rocky relationship. He gets her to stay but she seems pretty reluctant about it. This will end poorly.

Someone’s watching Alice as she runs down to the docks, to see some dude in white jeans and skinny red suspenders painting. Ah, it’s Bill! Bill inquires about Annie, the camp cook who’s still making her way towards the campgrounds then asks if Alice will be staying. Back to the point of view of someone watching her; she walks RIGHT PAST. How does she not notice??

Steve is delegating tasks before he drives off on an errand. The counselors complain that they weren’t not well informed about the camp’s history and the town’s nicknames for it. We move quickly to the archery range, where foreplay involves shooting arrows at your potential love interest. Nice going, Ned.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+2)

Back to Annie! She unwisely asks for a ride from a stranger in a Jeep, to Camp Crystal Lake. Of course we never see the driver, who lets Annie ramble on, as they speed past the turn off for the camp. Annie starts asking the driver to stop but it doesn’t happen.

So she fucking jumps from the speeding Jeep into a ditch. That was unwise.

Fleeing into the woods, her leg damaged, she’s stalked by the Jeep driver. Scrambling through the brush, Annie believes she’s gotten away, but is soon cornered against a tree, by the mysterious Jeep driver, and her throat is slashed.

Never accept rides from strangers, kids!

Crystal Lake Body Count: 3 (+1)

Bye bye, Annie. You didn’t even make it to the camp. But you still technically died on the grounds.

Back to the lake, where the counselors are goofing off while moving floating docks into position. Stopping to chill and ask stupid questions, they are watched from a distance by mysterious Jeep driver.

Suddenly Ned begins to call for help. The others spring into action; some dive in to the water, others push in a canoe, Alice gets a life preserver. I didn’t need to see Kevin Bacon in a Speedo, but that just happened. [Wing: Pretty sure a billion teen girls and women in the 80s would disagree. Hell, possibly even today.]

Eventually they find Ned, dragging him up from the watery depths, and begin performing CPR on him. Of course he’s been faking, just to get a kiss from the girl he’s been relentlessly pursuing and nearly shot with an arrow.

Ned is basically the asshole, isn’t he.

Alice is in her cabin, getting dressed, when she comes across a big black snake in the room. Calling for Bill, he comes running with the machete he’s been using to hack brush. Alice instructs him to kill it. All the counselors come running to see what’s the matter. It turns into a giant bunch of idiocy until Bill hacks off the snake’s head. Way to go, Bill.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 3.5 (+.5)

Poor snake. Not your fault.

Post-snake, there is discussion of dinner, including salads and hamburgers, and how easy it is to make apple pie. A motorcycle officer drives up just as Ned runs over, dressed in a Native American feathered headdress and a loincloth made out of a jersey. Yeah, because we needed to see the giant 88 on your ass, Ned.

Cultural Appropriation, Ahoy!: 1 ( +1)

Way to appropriate there, asshole. This continues on with references, made by both the cop and Ned. Ugh.

Right, back to the motorcycle cop. He immediately starts interrogating the counselors, makes assumptions they’re smoking pot, gets snappy when they ask questions. Apparently Ralph, our good pal the “town crazy”, has gone missing.

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 1 (+1)

And yet again, asshole Ned is all “there’s no crazy people around here!” complete with crossed eyes and distorted expression.

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 2 (+1)

Keep wracking up those points, Ned. I won’t miss you when you surely get murdered very shortly. [Wing: Sooner rather than later, I hope.]

Okay, so the cop continues on, insulting Ralph. Geez. Because being an alcoholic isn’t the problem, it’s just the catalyst!

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 3 (+1)

Yeah, I’m kind of hoping Officer Dorf here is also a victim, because, dude.

“We ain’t gonna stand for no weirdness out here.” Right. That’s some stern warning, there, Dorf. [Wing: Very effective. And a lie, because clearly they have stood for all sorts of weirdness at that camp.]

Alice, working in the kitchen since cook Annie bit the big one in the woods, opens the pantry door to find, guess who! Ralph! And Ralph is certainly living up to his reputation, announcing he’s a messenger of God and everyone who stays is doomed. The camp is cursed! Cursed! With a death curse!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 3 (+1)

Way to make friends there, Ralph.

Ned, being his asshole self, tells Ralph to get out. Ralph repeats that he’s been sent to warn them. He repeats his message, then leaves. No one takes him seriously.

Y’all are gonna die and I am not going to be the least bit sorry about it.

Chow time! Well, missing cook Annie is lamented though no one seems real concerned about why she didn’t show up. Talk turns to the not working light bulb and how there’s a generator. Kevin Bacon says he knows how to operate it, taking Ned and one of the girls with him, to the shed. They are successful in turning it on. Let me guess, this is a plot point we should all pay attention to!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 4 (+1)

Oh look, a beaver, swimming in the lake! [Wing: Dirty.]

Kevin Bacon is now reenacting Footloose, although this time on logs. I guess it’s really supposed to be a romantic walk around the lake, though the beaver and I aren’t buying it.

Oh noes, Ned sees them and is greatly disappointed at being shot down. You seriously wonder why you were, asshole? Might have had something to do with the arrow you nearly put through her torso!

Ned wanders off towards the boathouse, where someone watches from the covered porch. Ned actually notices and calls out to the stranger. This is gonna be a fatal mistake!

Kevin Bacon and the brunette wander over towards the boathouse, discussing why Ned is a jerk. [Wing: Jerks gotta jerk.] Talk suddenly shifts to the coming rainstorm that is headed towards the camp, triggering the brunette to recall a nightmare she’s had several times over.

“The rain turns to blood.” [Wing: Wait, are we supposed to believe she is the fortuneteller of doom?]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 5 (+1)

Yeah, you’re gonna get soaked, all right. Soaked in blood.

The storm arrives, turning the lake choppy and sending Kevin Bacon and the brunette to one of the cabins. Oh hey, there you are, bunk beds!

Brunette ditches her pants while Kevin Bacon lights a candle. Okay. Um. Right. Soon he’s down to a tank top and jeans. Well, I guess there’s a thrill in leaving clothes on to remove them later but… the order in which this is happening is strange.

Oh, there goes the tank top. Never mind.

Outside, the storm is pouring down mercilessly. Alice looks for Jack and Marcie. Oh! They have actual names! Okay, well, I’m still gonna call them Kevin Bacon and the brunette, because we’ve come this far and I’m stubborn about change.

Bill plays guitar while Alice stokes the fire and the blonde reads; a cozy scene. Steve is still gone on his errands to town. The blonde threatens to make everyone play strip Monopoly.

…why don’t you just play strip Poker? Monopoly seems stupidly complicated to strip to. [Wing: How do you even … pass go, lose a piece of clothing?]

Back to Kevin Bacon and the brunette. Getting down on the bottom bunk, yeah, that’s real sexy. Right. She’s quite a whimperer. Man, I didn’t sign up to see Kevin Bacon get it on! First that damn Speedo, now this? Ugh.

BUT WHAT’S LYING ABOVE THEM ON THE TOP BUNK? Why it’s asshole Ned, his throat slashed open, his lifeless eyes staring at nothing! Lightning appropriately illuminates his corpse just as Kevin Bacon finishes below!

Crystal Lake Body Count: 4.5 (+1)

Yeah. Y’know, I was hoping for a more graphic dispatch of asshole Ned, but not all wishes come true. [Wing: Anticlimactic. (Dirty.)]

Back to the untraditional version of Monopoly! We’ve busted out the beer and pot. Don’t tell Officer Dorf!

Brunette tells Kevin Bacon, “you’re so fine”. Well, this was probably true during the 1980s and 1990s. Then she follows up this romantic pillow talk cuddling with, “I gotta pee, you’re lying on my bladder.”

Some memorable last words there, brunette.

Oh, nope, she comes back in a yellow rain slicker, tells him to save her place, and smooches him before she’s off to pee in the woods. Sexy.

Ah, strip Monopoly claims its first item of clothing: Bill’s boot. That’s the best you could come up with, Alice? Yawn. I guess the game is heating up?

Back to Kevin Bacon, who’s bored in bed without the brunette, so he lights up a joint and listens to the steady rainfall. Something splatters on his forehead, drawing his attention…

…which is a fatal mistake, because a hand slips out from under the bed and presses down on Kevin Bacon’s forehead, while a sharp object (WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?? I can’t tell if it’s a trowel or a cake server or a decorative finial!?) stabs through his throat from beneath, twisting and turning while he begins to gush blood! [Wing: Right, right, I’m reminded that something killing from under the bed is a thing I find creepy as hell. Not necessarily this version, but the thought of it. Very creepy, I should use it in my writing more.]

Crystal Lake Body Count: 5.5 (+1)

Wow. I said he was gonna die but I didn’t foresee that gruesome manner! Gnarly! Oh well, RIP Kevin Bacon. I’ll see you again shortly when I watch Flatliners for the millionth time.

Outside, running through the downpour, the beam of her torch flashing around wildly is brunette. She makes it to the girls’ lavatory but doesn’t lock the door behind her, because why would she assume… look, always lock every door behind yourself, no matter where you go! It’s just common sense!

Reading graffiti on the stall door, she hears a noise and assumes it’s Kevin Bacon. Now she’s talking to herself in the mirror while washing her hands. Still hearing noises. Look, how stupid are you, fiddling with the faucet instead of running for your life? I mean, you’re not a virgin, honey, you ain’t gonna survive the night!

Brunette searches the shower stalls, missing the shadow of the axe being raised above the killer’s head behind her. Yeah, it’s your imagination, sweetheart. All in your imagination.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 6.5 (+1)

And here we have the second actual viscerally gruesome death. An axe sunk in the middle of her face. Well, that’ll cause a splitting headache!

Wait, you’ll scream when you’re going to be murdered but not during sex? You’re not doing it right.

Just gonna do a quick count: two slashed throats, a sharp object to the throat from under the bed, and an axe to the face. It gets the job done, I guess, when you’re going for maximum body count.

Looking back through a lens of hindsight I can see where these would be considered gruesome in 1980. I don’t know if there’s more detail due to the fact this is the “uncut” version of the film or what, but considering what I have seen happen to characters on, say, Game of Thrones, this is pretty tame.

Oh, for the days when we all lived in a much simpler time where this kind of graphic murder was still shocking. [Wing: Pre-torture porn, this was supposed to terrify, not titillate. I miss those days.]

Back to strip Monopoly! Bill’s down quite a bit of clothing and is “two steps from Skin City”, but Blondie has just lost her shirt. Do we think we have any virgins left among the three still-surviving counselors? My money’s on Blondie. I doubt Alice and Bill have retained their v-cards. [Wing: NO SERIOUSLY, I can’t get past strip!Monopoly.]

Alice, meanwhile, is still wearing clothing. She’s about to, literally, lose her shirt, when the door conveniently pops open and lets the wind and rain blow in. Bill races to close it while the women try to collect all the paper money.

Blondie realizes she’s left the windows open in her cabin, so clad in just her underwear, she pulls on a green rain slicker and postpones the game. Darn. Out into the downpour she runs, leaving Bill and Alice begin to clean up.

Now we jump to town, a local diner, where Steve is sitting at the counter drinking coffee. The older waitress, flirting shamelessly with the much younger man, tries to persuade him to not go back to camp, but Steve is concerned about his “literal babes in the woods” counselors and insists he return.

Half of them are already dead, Steve. A fruitless endeavor.

Back at camp, Blondie arrives in the girls’ lavatory. Man, she is in for a fun surprise! The faucet the brunette succeeded in turning on works, so she uses it to brush her teeth, while ignoring the suspicious sounds coming from the showers. Fingers appear from behind one of the shower curtains but Blondie doesn’t notice. Way to be oblivious, girl, I have money riding on your survival!

Teeth brushed, she gathers her items and leaves, turning out the light. A sigh of relief escapes Virgin, as her horse in this race lives to run another day!

Steve is stuck by the side of the road, the Jeep dead. A car approaches, a local police patrol. Steve gets out and swims through the downpour, getting a ride from the genial officer. I don’t think he’d be as lucky if Officer Dorf had come upon him.

Blondie sits at the desk, writing, unknowingly being observed from outside the cabin. Lord, how can people wander through life so oblivious? She rises and lights a candle, preparing for bed. No bunk bed for her!

Outside, a child’s voice cries for help. After the second appeal for help, Blondie gets up and grabs her torch and calls back from the doorway. Then she’s stupid and goes out in the rain in her nightgown.

C’mon, girl. Seriously.

Somehow she stumbles through the woods to the archery range, where a mysterious figure turns on all the floodlights and blinds Blondie. We hear screams but nothing is shown. [Wing: Lesson: Never run into the woods to help a screaming child. Also, why does the archery range have floodlights? That seems less than useful.]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 6 (+1)

Considering most of the deaths have been on screen up to this point with the exception of Ned, I think Blondie is technically still alive. I’ve got money on her, damn it!

Alice is alone in the cabin but Bill returns, having checked the generator. Together they head off to the archery range, alerted by the lights turning on and off. Blondie is nowhere to be found, of course, but Alice just assumes she’s off with the others.

Like, maybe because I’m viewing this from today, where we all have electronic leashes and are basically know someone else’s current whereabouts at the touch of a button, is what makes the lack of awareness so striking to me. Why not go actually check on the other counselors? I get you’re all grown adults but still, you’re all out in the woods. Safety in numbers, people!

In the cabin, Alice and Bill find a bloodied axe resting on the pillow, tucked nice and neatly into bed.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 7 (+1)

So, of course, they pick it up.

The run off to Kevin Bacon’s bunk house and don’t find him. So they head to the girls’ lavatory. This seems like a random ass search system. They don’t find the brunette or Blondie. Alice wants to call someone.

Off to the camp office, where Alice breaks in through the front door. Maybe I need to put money on Alice? The phone lines are dead so they scramble to find change for the payphone. It, too, is dead. Man, what they wouldn’t give for a cell phone right about now!

Well, Ned’s truck is dead. Not that he’s around to use it anymore. Bill’s astute assessment of the engine? “It’s wet.” Wow, just wow. Way to go, Bill!

Alice wants to hike out but Bill points out it’s 10 miles to the nearest crossroads. He wants to wait for Steve and Steve’s Jeep. Um, got some bad news for you, Bill…

“It’s not bad enough it’s Friday the 13th, we’ve got a full moon too.” The officer jokes with Steve as they drive towards Camp Crystal Lake. [Wing: NEEDS MORE WEREWOLVES.]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 8 (+1)

Yes, officer. Blame the full moon for human nature.

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 4 (+1)

Ralph made it home but Steve isn’t happy to hear the “town crazy” was running around his camp.

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 5 (+1)

Lay off, Ralph, people. He’s the only sane citizen in the bunch. [Wing: The others aren’t making ridiculous choices because they are crazy, just operating under flawed movie logic. Which is really no logic.]

The rain has stopped but the officer is called to the scene of a car accident. Forced to walk the rest of the way to camp, Steve sets off in the dark, jogging back home to the sounds of nocturnal creatures.

Reaching the camp sign, he is blinded by a bright light from a torch. Coming closer, he greets the unseen person. Yeah, okay, you know where this is going.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 7.5 (+1)

Stabbed in the torso.

Someone goes in and shuts down the camp generator. Bill is forced to light some kerosene lamps, Alice asking if he wants her to go with him while he tries to fix the power. He tells her to stay and sleep. Picking his way down to the generator building, Bill assesses the situation. Let’s hope he’s better at this then he is at truck engines!

You left the door open behind you, Bill, you idiot.

Alice, startled awake, heads to the kitchen. We are down to two living competitors, people. Well, three, since we never saw Blondie die? Alice puts on the kettle and makes instant coffee for two.

Something tells me one of those cups is going to go untouched.

So far so good… until Alice gets a bee in her bonnet and goes outside to look for Bill. D’oh! Eventually she makes her way to the generator building and finds Bill’s orange plastic poncho, but no Bill…

…that is, until she shuts the door.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 8.5 (+1)

Poor old Bill, hanging from the door, throat slashed open and several arrows shot into his corpse. The one in the eye is kind of overkill; I mean, really, unseen killer? [Wing: Someone is feeling feisty!]

Alice screams, as one would upon finding a gruesome murder, before she flees back up the trail in the dark. Amazingly, she holds onto the kerosene lamp. Reaching the main lodge, she tries to bar the door using rope tied to the handle and strung over one of the ceiling beams. Well, that’s thinking. Not sure it’s gonna matter.

Then she shuts the curtains and stacks some logs and furniture behind the door. Look, Alice, unseen killer is probably already in there with you. It stands to reason. You didn’t actually clear the damn building. Now you’ve trapped yourself in there, armed with a baseball bat.

Okay, now she’s grabbed a roasting fork to go with the bat, before she closes more curtains. Yup, closing curtains is gonna help.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 9.5 (+1)

But then, a surprise entrance! Blondie’s body comes through the window, wrapped in rope, her face cut and bleeding, bruised. I think she’s breathing (?) but Alice is in too much shock to check for a pulse. She crawls away from the body, in hysterics.

Leaving the kitchen, she sees headlights shining through the one set of curtains she hasn’t shut. Steve’s Jeep! Alice dismantles her poorly crafted barricade and runs outside to it, shocked when an older woman steps out of the vehicle.

“Who are you?” She cries.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 9 (+1)

Mrs Voorhees, an old friend of the Christy family! Oh yeah, sweet little old lady to the rescue! She tells Alice to calm her tits or she can’t help her. Alice rambles about the bodies; Mrs Voorhees announces everything’s fine, she used to work for the Christy family, as the camp cook.

Alice doesn’t want Mrs Voorhees to go look at the aftermath, but Mrs Voorhees “isn’t afraid.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 10 (+1)

Of course she isn’t.

“So young, so pretty. What monster could have done this?” [Wing: Well now she’s just trolling.]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 11 (+1)

Mrs Voorhees recounts the story of a young boy’s death by drowning, which happened while counselors were off “making love”. Poor little Jason, he wasn’t a good swimmer.

Alice tries to convince Mrs Voorhees to wait for Steve, but Mrs Voorhees is too busy having fucking flashbacks to Jason’s drowning.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 10.5 (+1)

Yeah, it’s a flashback to the past, but Jason drowned on the property… or, did he?

Mrs Voorhees informs Alice she couldn’t let Steve reopen the camp after the death of her son Jason, her only child. She then goes on a rant, confusing the past with the present, and happens to grab a butcher knife while doing so. Attacking Alice, Alice defends herself with a handy fireplace poker. She runs outside to Steve’s Jeep and finds cook Annie’s bloodied corpse strapped in the passenger seat!

Fleeing in terror, Alice is stopped by Steve’s body dropping down from… a tree? The sky? I dunno. But Steve is dead as a doornail. Alice runs into the dark, trying to escape the camp. Mrs Voorhees collects herself and comes outside to watch Alice disappear, speaking aloud in a child-like voice: “Kill her, Mommy, kill her.”

Well that’s just fucked up.

She proceeds to have a conversation with herself in two distinct voices, her own and the child-like voice that represents Jason.

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 6 (+1)

I’m just gonna throw that in the count because, what the actual fuck.

Alice makes it… somewhere… somewhere that has rifles! [Wing: My, how convenient.] Well, those should come in handy, now that you’re the last woman standing! Damn, why did you all let me put money on Blondie and not Alice?! [Wing: The fact that you call Blondie “Blondie” and Alice by her actual name probably should have been a sign, dear Virgin.] Meanwhile, Mrs Voorhees heads to the generator and turns it on, lighting up the campgrounds. Alice searches futilely for the bullets, which are locked in a drawer.

She still aims the gun at Mrs Voorhees, who does her split personality impersonation, while taking the gun from Alice. Alice throws anything that comes to hand at the old woman, until she’s backed in the corner and violently slapped over and over.

Alice recovers the rifle and uses the butt to fend off Mrs Voorhees, before she flees outside yet again. Smartly hidden behind the floating docks, Alice goes unnoticed by Mrs Voorhees, as the old woman, who’s obviously a serial murderess having a complete mental health crisis, wanders by. [Wing: Yes, yes, mental illness makes people so dangerous, thanks a lot, society.]

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 7 (+1)

So unable to find Alice, Mrs Voorhees slips into her split personality, chanting, “kill her” as Jason instructs his mother to finish off the final counselor. I can honestly see where this would be a huge unexpected twist in 1980, but with today’s pressing issues about mental health awareness and acceptance, yeah. Not really enjoying this. [Wing: If only she were actually being haunted by her son.]

Back at the main lodge, Alice weeps over Blondie’s managed corpse before she starts turning out lights. In the darkness she slips into the pantry and locks it from the inside, hiding out with the oversized jars of condiments. Mrs Voorhees stalks around the kitchen, apparently unable to hear Alice whimpering in the pantry.

A door closes and Alice, wisely, stays put.

Sadly, the doorknob above her head begins to twist, before Mrs Voorhees begins to smash it with the baseball bat. Once through, she takes a swing at Alice before Alice clobbers her with a cast iron frying pain, the old lady going down hard, blood on the floor!

Crystal Lake Body Count: 11.5 (+1)

So much for Mrs Voorhees finishing off the counselors.

Alice flees, quiet slowly, towards the lake. Crying and holding onto herself, she sits on the strip of sand beside the canoes. Um, is this really what you should be doing when the campgrounds are rife with corpses? Also, why didn’t you check to make sure the old woman was really dead??

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+1)
Crystal Lake Body Count: 10.5 (-1)

[Wing: For some reason, that -1 in the body count just made me laugh until I teared up.]

Here’s Mrs Voorhees!

Her reflection in the water alerts Alice, who manages to fend off the killing blow with an oar. Soon they are wrestling, struggling for control. Alice takes a hit and goes down, but rolls out of the way as Mrs Voorhees tries to stab her with the sharp, broken end of the oar. They roll around in the sand, Mrs Voorhees finally getting the upper hand and trying to choke Alice, before Alice bites her arm.

Soon Alice’s face is being pounded into the sand before she once again breaks free. She finds the machete Bill used to kill the snake in the counselor cabin and swings upward…

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 0 (-1)
Crystal Lake Body Count: 11.5 (+1)

[Wing: No, really, I delighted by the fluctuating body count.]

Mrs Voorhees’ hands clutch at the empty air where her head once was. I’m not sure if it’s as gruesome a death in the original cut of the film, but in this version it’s pretty gross. Although obviously fake, I mean, c’mon. The skin tone colors don’t match between the fake head and the hands. Plus, I don’t think anybody violently decapitated would be grabbing at thin air for that long.

Mrs Voorhees is down for the count!!

The full moon shines down on lone survivor Alice, who puts a metal canoe into the water and climbs aboard. Not sure this is a good idea, but okay. Let’s forget Jason drowned in that lake!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 12 (+1)

Morning dawns and Alice is asleep in the canoe, floating in the middle of the lake. A long panning shot of the water turns into the arrival of a patrol car, two officers getting out and seeing Alice in her metal canoe.

Alice awakens to their shouts and dips her fingers into the water, waking slowly on the new day, amazed at her survival!

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+1) Crystal Lake Body Count: 10.5 (-1)

Holy shit I knew it was coming!! I could sense it but I may have just totally jumped in my chair as Jason rose out of the lake and grabbed Alice, dragging her out of the canoe and tipping it over in the process!

Okay, yow, you got me, Friday the 13th, you finally got me, just once.

Now I’m gonna have fucking nightmares. Thanks.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 11.5 (+1)

Alice goes down, the lake waters smoothing out into a calm, reflective surface…

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 0 (-1) Crystal Lake Body Count: 10.5 (-1) 

Alice wakes up screaming, in a hospital bed. The nurse comes over and calms her down, reassuring her that she’s okay. The doctor orders a shot of Valium, sending Alice back into a calmer state.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 9.5 (-1)

The cop informs Alice her parents are on the way and she’s the only survivor, pulled from the lake. Her second question: “The boy. Is he dead too?”

“Ma’am, we didn’t find any boy.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 13 (+1)

“Then he’s still there.”

Yeah… that’s gonna come up in the second film. Just you wait!

Friday the 13th ends with a close up on Crystal Lake, the calm waters just waiting to reveal what lies below. Cut to credits.

Final Thoughts

Damn it, I bet on the wrong horse! Alice, you survived! Congratulations! You win… a lifetime’s supply of nightmares and trauma counseling! Ugh, yeah, I’m still creeped out by little Jason’s emergence from the lake. Overall, yeah, I can see why Friday the 13th was a huge hit with horror fans in 1980. Although really, it has fuck all to do with Friday the 13th. For all it matters, it could have been August the 19th or July the 5th.

The characters are two dimensional, only there to die, with very little back-story or fleshing out. I mean, maybe this will change in subsequent films, since there’s a single survivor and there’s the town residents, but I doubt it. So much less messy when you don’t get emotionally attached. [Wing: Since the first movie is usually the highest point of one of these horror series, I’m going to go with no, there will be very little fleshing out of the characters. Except literally.]

The twist that Jason’s mother, little old Mrs. Voorhees, is the mass murderess, yeah, I bet that was a huge shock to audiences. Nowadays, not so much, but it was groundbreaking in its time. Up there with Norman Bates keeping his mother’s corpse in a chair and dressing in her clothes.

I still find it hilarious I had no idea Kevin Bacon was in this. Considering this was only his fourth major film appearance, good for you, dude. Good for you.

Scratching this one off my list! That just leaves the 11 others in the franchise to be viewed… Thankfully I am too old for summer camp and I would certainly never volunteer as a counselor! I will be avoiding lakes for a long time after this.

I think, since this is a series, I am going to roll over the Crystal Lake Body Count with each subsequent film, so we have a final maximum total by the end. Seems like a fun idea. I’m sure I could easily pull up the number on Wikipedia but I won’t. Let it be a surprise!

Until we return to Camp Crystal Lake in my next recap, stay safe and keep those curtains closed!

[Wing: Excellent start, Virgin. I’m looking forward to your ongoing adventures into flat characters making terrible life choices.]

Final Counters

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 13
Crystal Lake Body Count: 9.5
Cultural Appropriation, Ahoy!: 1
Mental health with tact and sensitivity: 7
He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 0?

I am a teenage vampire at heart, though my fashion sense has thankfully moved beyond the 1980s. I recap movies because the world needs more snarky commentary on the internet.

Categories: Friday the 13th movies, Let's Do It! recaps
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