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Recap #209: Graveyard School #17: Jack and the Beanstalker by Tom B. Stone by Jude Deluca

8
Feb 2019
I guess you could say this is pretty... grim
Beans, beans, the magical fruit…

Title: Graveyard School #17 – Jack and the Beanstalker, a.k.a. “Jude Deluca’s ‘Graveyard School Theater’”

Author: Tom B. Stone, a.k.a. Nola Thacker, a.k.a. D.E. Athkins

Cover Artist: Mark Nagata

Summary: Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum! Now The Giant Is Going To Have Some Fun…

Jackson needs to earn some money – fast. When he mows old Mr. Thompson’s lawn, that’s what he thinks he’s going to get. Right? Wrong! Mr. Thompson pays Jackson with magic beans! Now Jackson’s back to square one, and when he throws the beans out the window, his money troubles don’t seem so big after all.

Initial Thoughts

Hello, I’m Jude Deluca and I’m doing an impersonation of Shelley DuVall. Welcome to “Graveyard School Theater.”

Many of us know that money can either be a source of great happiness, or the cause of great trouble. But unfortunately, tonight’s tale shows us that in Jackson Crowder’s case, it’s the latter. Come with me as we see how Jax finds himself in one harrowing situation after another, when something as simple as a broken window grows out of control into a problem of, shall we say, gigantic proportions.

Ladies and gentlemen, “Jack and the Beanstalker.”

[Wing: I’m so glad to see another recap of this series, because I still find it delightful, even though I never would have guessed how much I would love it back in the beginning.]

Recap

Thacker starts off this book pretty strongly with the following opener.

The setting sun blazed bloody red off the glass eyes of the building. At any other school, the windows would have just looked like windows, reflecting the sunset.

But not at Graveyard School. As the sun sank lower, the building seemed to be crying bloody red tears from a hundred glaring eyes.

Jack and the Beanstalker Page 1

Nice one.

Anyway, an informal practice game of soccer was being played on the school field below the building. This time, the goalie was not Algernon “Algie” Green, but Jackson “Jax” Crowder, a tall boy whose lanky frame hid a surprising amount of muscle.

Things quickly went topsy turvy when Jax attempted to block a kick from Tyson Walker, which somehow sent the ball spiraling off and right through one of the school’s windows!

For a moment, no one moved. They stood and stared at the jagged hole in the window, an ugly mouth full of sunset-bloody teeth.

Jack and the Beanstalker Page 3

Again, nice one.

The kids immediately try to get as far away from the school as possible. Not Jax though, because that was HIS ball. His genuine, hand-sewn made-in-the-USA World Cup soccer ball. Jax blindly tried to head for the school to retrieve his ball, saved from certain death by a timely tackle courtesy of Tyson.

Tyson pleaded with Jax they had to go, asking if the ball had his name or any traceable information written on it. Jax was too distraught at the loss of his ball to realize Tyson was trying to get him away from the school before it was too late, those aforementioned muscles making it hard to move him. Eventually, Jax came to his senses but at the worst possible moment when the boys heard a door slam open. The boys tried to run as their lives depended on it and Jax thought he was gonna-

Oh hey Mr. Bartholomew, nice day we’re having.

Basement Bart hoisted Jax up by the waistline of his shorts, asking why Jax was… hanging around.

[Wing: NOPE.]

Jax feared being killed by the subhuman custodian or that he might fall out of his shorts while Bart laughed at his own joke. Things got scarier when Bart stopped laughing, revealing Jax’s soccer ball in his free hand. Jax stammers it was an accident, which enrages Bart further because Jax carlessly decided to break one of his windows.

Dropping Jax, the boy tries to run when Bart slams his foot down on Jax’s heel. Jax watched in horror as Bart dug his nails into the ball, tightening his grip as if he meant to pop the poor thing like an unruly zit. Desperately, Jax blurted he’d pay Bart back for the window. Bart, deciding to adopt a passing semblance of a reasonable human being (emphasis on “Human Being”) said he’d keep Jax’s football as collateral and gives him a week to raise the dough.

Now Jax is left to realize how much a window would cost to be repaired, remembering when a tree branch destroyed a window at his house during last winter’s thirteenth snowstorm. Stupidly, Jax asks if the school has insurance. He blinked and Bart was suddenly right in his face, saying the only insurance Jax should worry about is life insurance.

Oh and don’t bother hiding Jax, because Bart knows where you live.

Despite Charlotte’s best efforts, the pig was going to die. Oh wait, wrong book. Anyway, because Jax has absolutely no money of his own, he knew he was screwed. He couldn’t get an advance on his allowance because he was overdrawn as is and his parents are trying to save for a bigger house. Mrs. Crowder thought it was odd Jax suddenly changed his tune about how much he hated sharing a room with his older brother Paul. Jax’s mom asked if there was something wrong, like if a bully was taking his lunch money.

Now, in most situations, a parent is the person to go. Not here. Jax’s parents didn’t believe the stories about the supernatural hoopla that went on in Graveyard School. And he knew if he asked for the money to fix the window he’d be dead anyway. His parents would lecture him endlessly about being careless, but worst of all he would attract the attention of Dr. Morthouse. She’d accept the money from Jax’s parents as well as his apology, but Jax would be further marked. Tainted. He’d have Doc M breathing down his back every day until he graduated, and just one more mistake was all it took to get him put in permanent, horizontal detention.

But if Jax didn’t come up with the money, what was worse, getting killed by Dr. Morthouse or Basement Bart?

So it was either a quick, agonizing death now, or living in a state of constant fear leading to a quick, agonizing death later.

Jax didn’t tell his mom about the window and departed before she filled the quota established by her “Have You Hugged Your Kid Today?” bumper sticker. His neat freak older brother Paul was no help either, knowing Jax was broke and there was no way he’d pay him back. Ugh, you know, I’m on Paul’s side here because I HATE whenever my sibling asks me for money. It doesn’t happen often but they never pay me back. Honestly, I have no problem lending them money if they need it. What I HATE is when they swear they’ll pay me back and they never do. I just don’t like empty promises. If you need money fine, but don’t jerk me around.

Jax wondered what might happen in the time before payment was due. Maybe he’d win the lottery, strike oil, get an inheritance from a dead relative. Maybe he’d drop dead before Bart got him. So, not having a lot of options, Jax swiped Paul’s piggy bank with the promise to pay him back later. See, why don’t people keep their piggy banks in a safe place like Duck Twacy does?

He figured the park would be a safe place to open the contents away from his family’s prying eyes, but the sound of breaking china attracted Maria Medina and Vickie Wheil-

HOLY SHIT IT’S VICKIE WHEILSON.

Maria and Vickie heard something breaking and can see Jax trying to hide broken china and coins. Jax gets flustered and confesses to stealing and breaking his brother’s bank, and Vickie’s getting super excited at the idea of grand theft piggy. Unfortunately Jax’s descent into a life of crime turned out to be for naught because all Paul had was 88 cents. The girls admit it might be enough for ice cream, which is what they were going to buy until they noticed him sneaking around. Jax gets pissy and snaps at the girls to leave him alone. Peeved, Vickie and Maria joke he might only have to do a couple of years in jail for petty theft…

But if anything, he could bust out by breaking open a window with, say, a soccer ball.

Jax is angry, but not angry enough to leave the broken bank on the ground. He might be a thief, but he’s not a litterer. Leave polluting to the big corporations. Jax passes by Park Addams playing baseball and runs into Tyson (Tyson, I should add, is wearing a U.S. Women’s Olympic Soccer Team shirt). Tyson is sympathetic to Jax’s money problems and proposes he could borrow a dollar each from every 6th grader to pay for the window. Jax points out he wouldn’t be able to pay them all back, though. The boys see Stacey Carter chatting with Maria and Vickie, and Tyson suggests Jax could talk to Stacey about a dog walking job.

Stacey says now isn’t a good time for her to take on helpers, and feels summer would be a better time since more people need pet sitters during their vacation. Jax notices the teenage girl behind the nearby ice cream cart and thinks that might be a good job. Too bad the ice cream girl’s rather snotty, saying you have to be 16 and kids eat up all the profits anyway. Stacey mentions she’s not a very good salesgirl since you have to treat your customers with patience and respect because that’s how they come back for more business. Maria jokes the job’s a fashion disaster anyway, with that pink shirt, khaki pants, and lime green cap.

Vickie, dressed in a yellow sweater, ragged jeans, scuffed purple high top sneakers, with her wild red hair free in the wind, asked what was wrong with the girl’s clothes.

I.

LOVE.

YOU.

VICKIE, YOU NEON SCARLET SK8T QUEEN.

Stacey explains Jax has to start small, but Jax is left complaining and whining about how he needs money NOW. He doesn’t have the time, people! Tyson calmly points out Jax has to start SOMEWHERE. At this point any job would do instead of wasting time, standing around moaning about it. Or as Vickie adds, instead of wasting time stealing piggy banks.

Jax is sure to remember that at his funeral.

Lost in thought about his impending death, Jax didn’t realize until later he wandered into a neighborhood he wasn’t familiar with. None of the houses or street signs looked the same when someone tried to get Jax’s attention. A well-dressed elderly man leaning on a silver-headed cane and standing next to a lawn mower was trying to speak to him. The man asked if Jax knew how to mow grass.

“Yes,” said Jax again.

“Ah, a young man of thrift. You are, no doubt, saving your words for a more important occasion. And your manners, too.”

Jack and the Beanstalker Page 26

BURN.

The man promises he’ll make it well worth Jax’s time and energy to mow his lawn, and introduces himself as Tom SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSon. Thompson. That’s it, Mr. Thompson.

Jax looks at Thompson’s house and assumes, by how big and old and well maintained it seems, he can make some good scratch. He tries to remember Stacey’s advice and politely introduces himself before getting to work. The job seems to take FOREVER, because whenever Jax thinks he’s done there always seems to be one more patch of grass he missed. He goes around the house multiple times, not sure how many sides there to the house. He’s surrounded by vibrant gardens and vegetable patches.

Finally, Mr. Thompson tells Jax he’s done enough. Jax is confused since he feels there’s still-huh? He’s finished? When did that happen? Thompson takes out a small velvet pouch and asks Jax to open his hand. Jax is giddy with anticipation thinking he’s about to get something valuable. Thomspon shakes out the contents of the pouch into Jax’s hands and gives him…

Beans.

Seven beans, to be exact.

And Jax earned all of them.

Jax is left sputtering in disbelief that he’s been given vegetables as payment. Thompson picks up on Jax’s unhappiness and Jax explains he’d prefer cash, or a check. However, Thompson is touched by Jax’s willingness to accept something as common and course as, ugh, money, but feels he cannot in good conscience take advantage of him that way. No, Jax really lucked out on these beans and Thompson bids him a good day before warning him not to eat those beans. Giving Jax directions to his neighborhood, Thompson heads inside leaving Jax wondering what just fucking happened.

Angry he doesn’t even have enough beans for a decent meal, it takes Jax a second to wonder how did Mr. Thompson know which direction he needed to go in? Jax never told him which neighborhood he lived in. And Jax still has no idea how to get home because this neighborhood and all the streets are totally-

The brilliant glow of a streetlight turning on blinded Jax for a moment. When he blinked, Jax was back in a familiar neighborhood. Mr. Thompson’s house was gone! Jax doesn’t know what happened, he just wants to go home.

I gotta say this part’s genuinely unnerving how Jax found himself in a totally alien place and is suddenly brought back to familiar surroundings through no effort of his own.

Since mowing was a bust, Jax decides to have a mini yard sale. He starts scrounging up crap he doesn’t want anymore, as well as stuff he does want to keep (like his books) but might sell. Mr. Crowder thinks Jax might be sick when he sees him supposedly cleaning his room, while Paul jokes he’s probably trying to get out of going to school. Since it’s Friday afternoon, that reminds Jax he’s got until Monday to raise the cash or he’s dead. While putting stuff together to bring to the park to sell, he’s glad Paul still hasn’t noticed the missing piggy bank.

Sadly, Jax doesn’t do much business and his one comfort is he won’t have to sell his books after all. He can’t even sell his bike. When Tyson shows up, Jax bitterly mentions Tyson was technically the one who kicked the ball in the first place. They get into a small argument about it and Tyson concedes that MAYBE he’s slightly responsible and MAYBE he can help Jax try to get the money. Jax says he would’ve stayed if Bart caught Tyson, to which Tyson calls bullshit on. Jax concedes but adds he would’ve helped Tyson pay for the window instead of being eaten alive by Bart. Tyson tries to joke Bart’s probably a vegetarian like the gorillas they studied in science class, only he’s ten times meaner.

As Tyson agrees to help Jax, he starts talking about what a shitty window it was in the first place. Like, what’s more likely to break a window that size, a baseball or a soccer ball. Jax desperately tries to get Tyson’s attention as Tyson goes on and on about how dangerous those sub par school windows, why-

Oh hi Dr. Morthouse, how are you doing?

Tyson slowly turns around to see the dreaded school principal, dressed in an all-black jogging outfit complete with Nikes and sunglasses. Jax can hardly believe it. Wasn’t there a rule about Dr. Morthouse staying within the school at all times or she’d burst into flames?

Doc M venomously purrs as she asks if the boys were talking about window business. Tyson stammers he was saying “When do we do business,” explaining he and Jax are doing a spring cleaning business. Dr. Morthouse mentions one of the school windows was broken and wonders if either of them knows ANYthing about it. Jax and Tyson both play dumb, but Morty zeroes in on Jax and promises if her window’s not fixed she’ll find whoever broke it and do some window business of her own. As she left, Jax could swear there were little puffs of smoke rising off the ground.

After getting over their principal’s preview of “I Know What You Did To My Window Several Days Ago,” Tyson has an idea of what they can do for money. What do adults do when they need money?

Go to the bank!

Tyson brought Jax to the local bank and, much to the guard’s annoyance, were directed to M. Bleak, Loan Officer. Mr. Bleak seems eager when he thinks the boys are opening an account until they explain they need a loan. His enthusiasm drops and he asks if the boys are actually undercover midgets from the State Bank Examiners Board.

Tyson and Jax have no idea what that meant.

Anyway, Mr. Bleak explains the bank doesn’t just hand out money to everyone who asks. They only lend money to people who already have money so they know they’ll be paid back. Tyson says Jax’ll pay the bank back, but the answer is no. When Jax gets angry saying he thought banks were supposed to help people, Bleak finds that hilarious. When the boys mutter something about false advertising and suing, Bleak cheerfully says they’re free to do so. He’s not worried because the banks always win.

And that’s the REAL horror of this story.

[Wing: Where is the lie. Fucking capitalist society driven by corporate money and banks that are “too big to fail.”]

After that, Jax’s only option seems to be “Run.”

And it looks like he took it to heart, because come nightfall Jax is fleeing through the streets of Grove Hill. He has no idea where he plans to go other than he needs to get on a bus and get as far away from Graveyard School as possible. Sleep? Sleep is for suck-OH SHIT CAR.

Jax ducks behind a bush as a black hearse rolled down the street. Dr. Morthouse stuck her head out the window, sniffing the air and tasting it with her tongue. She knew Jax was nearby. As the car rolled down the street, Jax knew he had to hurry before she caught him. Luckily he wouldn’t have to worry about Dr. Morthouse because Basement Bart is RIGHT BEHIND HIM!

And then Jax woke up screaming. Paul wacks Jax with a pillow and tells him to get a grip. They argue for a bit until Paul, doing a passing resemblance of a human being, assures Jax he only had a bad dream. Jax envies Paul no longer has to worry about Graveyard School, but the thought of that stupid window leaves him unable to sleep. At which point he remembers the so-called magic beans. Jax crawls on the floor trying to find the pair of jeans he wore when he met Mr. Thompson, remembering the beans were in his pocket. He knows Thompson warned him not to eat those beans, so he wonders why they’re supposed to be magic. Could they really be gold? Or jewels. He could use jewels.

Nope, they’re just beans. Magic, sure.

And then one of them moved in Jax’s hand.

Flipping out again and causing a ruckus, Jax wakes up Paul who demands to know what the dilly-o is. He knows Jax doesn’t just crawl around the floor at night and… Jax, where is your brother’s piggy bank? Jax finally admits to taking the piggy bank and makes an empty promise about paying Paul back. Well not so empty. Paul, may Jax offer you a magic beans in this trying time?

Paul throws them out the window, tells Jax to get a grip on his shit, and goes back to sleep. At least the beans diverted Paul’s anger about the bank, but it still hasn’t solved Jax’s money woes.

Out in the garden of the Crowder house, the beans start to do their thing and root themselves in the dirt. As vines and tendrils start to grow, the bean plant sucks the moisture out of the ground and every other plant in the vicinity. In fact, the house sank a little in its foundation as green shoots intertwined and reached upwards to the sky. Jax wasn’t sure what had woken him, but he noticed the room was far darker than usual. And there was a slight breeze. Jax felt a sensation of dread, that something was wrong, and got out of bed to look out the window. What he saw almost made him scream.

Jax gaped in mute horror at the enormous beanstalk growing out of the garden. The fleshy vines and tendrils of the silvery-green tower seemed to be reaching towards him. Even though Jax pinched himself, he was sure this was only a nightmare of the Grimm variety. The house continued to shudder and Jax reached out to teach the giant plant as the house lurched once more. Jax fell out the window and found himself tangled up in the fleshy bean plant, struggling to right himself and get a foothold. Not sure what direction he’s going in, Jax starts to climb until he realizes he’s going up. Looking downward, all is dark. Looking upward, he sees the night sky.

The further Jax climbs, the creepier the beanstalk gets. The whistling wind through the leaves sounds almost like whispering, and at certain times it’s like the leaves and vines are offended by him. But still, Jax holds on through the idea he’s asleep. After all, if he was this high up in the sky with the thinning air, he’d need an oxygen mask.

Eventually Jax climbs so high he finds himself submersed in an actual cloud. He’s not so much climbing as he is swimming, and he wonders for a moment if there might be sharks up here. Unfortunately, now it really is like he’s underwater and every time he tries to breath he’s inhaling moisture. And oh shit was that a fin? Was that an actual FIN?! Jax lets go for a moment but the cloud is so thick he doesn’t fall, he really can swim! Struggling to breath, Jax moves upwards trying to get out and suddenly he’s inhaling dirt!

Holding onto the beanstalk, Jax crawls up out of what appears to be ground and finds himself in a garden. An enormous garden. Hidden beneath the leaves of the giant vine, Jax moves out and sees the beanstalk growing up an enormous chain link fence. Somehow it’s daytime, and the warmth of the sun quickly dries his clothes. Looking around, Jax finds himself surrounded by enormous tomatoes and vegetables. He watches a butterfly with wings the size of magazine pages get attacked by a giant sparrow. Jax hurries to find shelter before any other giant animals spot him, and spies a mountain in the distance.

No wait, a house. The biggest house he’d ever seen. The doors alone were the size of some of the houses Jax THOUGHT were huge. As he got closer to the front door, Jax felt the ground begin to shake and a huge figure made its way to the front of the house. And this figure was… singing? Singing “Happy Birthday?”

Jax hurried inside before the giant figure closed the door. The giant stopped to sniff the air, as if he’d caught Jax’s scent, but then shrugged and headed into the kitchen. Jax couldn’t believe this. He was in a giant’s house, but it was a, a house! Despite the size, nothing looked out of place from what Jax expected of an ordinary abode. He knew he wasn’t dreaming now. This was a fairy tale! And he remembered in THIS specific fairy tale, there was something about a goose that laid golden eggs!

Now Jax is determined to find out if there’s such a goose in this giant’s castle-uh, house. He heard more “Happy Birthday To You” being sung in the kitchen and someone asking if something was really there’s to keep. Jax crept inside the kitchen to see a giant man, woman, and what appeared to be a boy standing around a kitchen table with a HUGE birthday cake. Clearly they seemed to be celebrating the giant boy’s birthday, and he was excited about his gift. The man giant, Everest, sniffed the air again and asked his wife, Hulga, if she’d been cooking “Petitepeds.” Hulga asks if he really thinks she was making junk food, and they both laugh.

While slicing the birthday cake, Everest and Hulga watch their son Hugo show off his gift. In his giant palm is a tiny, smug looking goose who craps out a golden egg. Jax almost craps out his heart. Hugo is amazed and asks how the goose does that, to which his parents respond “Magic.” Jax realized all he’d need is simply one egg to take care of his money problems. While the giants have birthday cake, the goose just waddles around the table shitting gold eggs everywhere. She has no chill.

As the gold eggs roll off the table, Jax sees his opportunity and makes a dash for one. And boy is it heavy. It practically pulls down his shorts as Jax realizes he’s standing by Hugo’s sneakered foot. A sneaker the size of a small car, mind you. Jax loses his balance with the egg weighing him down and almost gets stepped on. That’s all it took for Jax to know he had to get out of there, but maybe he could grab one more egg. Just two. He wasn’t gonna get greedy nor did he need to steal the goose. Now Bart’s got money and Jax has got money. Everyone wins!

Even the cat who’s about to eat Jax.

Jax comes face to face with an enormous cat trying to rake him with its claws. He does a poor dog impersonation to try and scare the cat away and it predictably fails. Jax stumbles around with the gold weighing him down, when the cat snags the back of his shirt as Hugo picks it up to bring it outside. As Jax fell from the cat’s grasp, he slid down Hugo’s jeans and landed in the rolled up cuff. Amazingly, Hugo hadn’t noticed and asked only to take his goose outside with him.

Hugo thinks Whiskers the cat is trying to get at his goose, not knowing a “Petiteped” is in his pants. Jax, having escaped from Hugo’s cuff, is trying to dodge a storm of golden shit coming out of the goose’s ass as Hugo carries her into the garden.

[Wing: Well, this book sure does have how terrible geese are down pat.]

Sadly Jax’s greed is getting the best of him and he’s scooping up the gold eggs as best he can when Hugo notices the beanstalk. While Hugo checks out the beanstalk, Jax tries to head for safety underneath the vine where he crawled out from. Too bad because he’s caught the goose’s attention and she begins to peck him. Jax is saved when Hugo retrieves the goose, but wonders what’s got her riled up. The goose is so testy Hugo lets her go to do her thing, and she sets after Jax. For a moment Jax freaks because the weight of all those gold eggs is pulling his shorts down, meaning he accidentally mooned that temperamental bird.

Just as Jax hiked his shorts back up, the goose pecked him especially hard and he cried out. Which meant Hugo knew where he was. Hugo’s eyes lit up in amazement at Jax, whispering “You ARE real” and giddy at the thought of owning a Petiteped. Jax starts throwing eggs at Hugo and the goose to keep them away, but the goose dodges them and seems intent on pecking Jax to death. Jax tries to get closer to the base of the beanstalk plant, but the eggs are weighing him down and he fears he’ll drown. Tossing the eggs away to lighten the load, Jax almost makes it when something grabs his leg and he gets sucked under.

Jax begins to fall through the ground, and then back into the cloud where he saw more sharks.

Meanwhile, two airplane pilots wondered if they just saw a kid falling out of a cloud, tangled up with a white bird.

Jax continued to fall with the goose alongside him, holding onto the bird with one hand and desperately trying to grab a hold of the beanstalk with the other. In the garden, Hugo the giant boy was groping through the muck at the beanstalk trying to find his bird and Petiteped when his hand felt open air. And then he felt something hard and sharp slice his hand.

Those same pilots decided they needed a vacation. They did NOT just see a giant hand.

While falling, Jax wished he could land on top of Basement Bart or Dr. Morthouse. Going out and taking them with him. As the goose started to wake up, Jax made one last grab for the beanstalk and he FINALLY got a hold long enough to slow his descent. Hitting the ground, Jax passed out for a moment and awoke to the goose jabbing him again. At first he thought this was another dream until he saw the beanstalk and remembered how the rest of this fairy tale would go. On cue, the beanstalk began to shudder. He needed an ax.

Up above, Hugo panicked and show his parents the beanstalk while crying about his goose. Everest and Hulga quietly freak out when they saw the vine has sprouted fat bean pods. Hulga chastises Everest for the stories he told Hugo about Petitepeds, while Everest claimed they’re a part of their history. But he didn’t think it could still happen! Everest tells Hulga to take Hugo inside, and if he’s not back in five minutes…

While Jax looked for an ax to cut the beanstalk down, Everest was trying to find the base of the plant in order to uproot it. Hulga returned to try and help her husband, knowing if it’s not taken care of they’ll have to deal with more Petitepeds. Just like before. Unfortunately, the beanstalk vine’s not giving up without a fight but that won’t stop this determined couple. Down below, Jax stepped back and watched as the beanstalk was yanked out of the ground and hoisted into the air until it disappeared.

The Crowders and Paul rushed outside wondering what happened and why Jax has a goose. Jax claims he found the goose wandering outside and is about to show them a marvelous thing she can do. She can lay… eggs. Not gold, just eggs. Damn. Still, Jax wasn’t gonna fault the goose and thanked “Goldie.” While the parents discuss what could’ve caused all this damage, maybe a windswept tree or something, Paul is incredulous Jax wants to keep that goose. Jax defends Goldie saying she’ll make a good watch goose. Their parents say they’re not sure if they can keep Goldie because there’s not much room in their small backyard. That’s when Goldie began pecking at Jax’s feet. He looked down and… holy shit Jax, is that a gold rock?

The following Monday at Graveyard School, Jax and Tyson showed up to meet Basement Bart. Tyson couldn’t believe Jax’s luck, finding a stray goose AND a solid gold rock that was worth enough for their new house and to pay Bart back. Jax said it was a real… nest egg. 😀

[Wing: NOPE.]

Tyson complained about Goldie’s pecking syndrome, but Jax assured him the goose only pecked people she really liked. Bart spooks the boys, but Jax is happy to finally have this settled and gives him the money for the window. Jax is pleased to have this over with he didn’t even ask for his soccer ball back.

And he lived happily ever after…

We then cut to a little girl asking her mom to tell one more story before bedtime. The girl’s mom told her about Petitepeds, nasty, greedy little creatures that always fought with one another over everything. There was one Petiteped who stole a little boy’s magic goose…

Inside his closet, Hugo removed a shoe box to inspect the thing he swiped from the beanstalk without his parents knowing. A pod full of seven beans. It wouldn’t take him long to figure out how they work.

And how to get his goose back.

And how to make that creep pay.

[Wing: SEQUEL SEQUEL I WANT A SEQUEL.]

Final Thoughts

Aww, poor Hugo and his stolen birthday gift. Damn Petitepeds, there should be a law!

So the only thing I’ve wondered about this book is how it works in regards to “Revenge of the Dinosaurs” since we know aliens are a thing that exist outside of Earth. I’m going under the impression we’re talking alternate dimensions here.

Jax, unfortunately, was another example of a slightly grating protagonist but let’s face it, who among us WOULDN’T be snippy if we knew we were gonna die soon?

[Wing: I love stories that show a twist on our stories where humans are the monstrous creatures from terrible stories, and I loved this book.]

The reason why I went with the Shelley DuVall reference is because her Faerie Tale Theater had a BIG impact on me when I was a kid. It was thanks to her show, coupled with the Disney animated movies and the Goodtimes Entertainment movies, that gave me the ability to understand different interpretations of fictional properties. If not for her, I doubt I would’ve developed my love for alternate universe stories and Multiverse comics.

You guys should check out Faerie Tale Theater though, it’s amazing.

You have James Earl Jones as the Genie of the Lamp and Jeff Goldblum as the freakin’ Big Bad Wolf, what more can you want?!

And by the way, I just wanna say Dr. Phil can fuck himself to death for how he exploited Shelley DuVall in that interview. And if Stanley Kubrick wasn’t dead already he can fuck himself too for what he did to her during “The Shining.”

Trivia

  • Activities Section: Tips on science experiments to make mold or turn food blue.
  • Polly Hannah’s Wardrobe: N/A
 Category: Graveyard School recaps

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