Title: Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

Summary: Tina just wants a “normal” life but when she returns to the scene of a horrific loss, she learns that “normal” is subjective. Oh, and Jason comes back. Again.

Tagline: Jason is back, but this time someone’s waiting! (Well, that sounds ominous…)

Notes: Yeah, this took forever. Sorry. A world-wide pandemic struck, I suffered the loss of my grandmother, there was a trip to Anaheim in there, two trips to visit family in another state (not all in that order), and – just generally – I was sorely unprepared to deal with a film that poorly handles mental health issues.

Initial Thoughts

Hi-ho, Virgin here, back for ROUND SEVEN with my ultimate continually reanimated nemesis, Jason Voorhees! That’s right, it’s time for Let’s Do It! A Virgin Does Horror!

It’s like 4 months into 2019 now it’s now 5 months into 2020, meaning I sort of missed posting this on schedule (like… I’m way off the schedule at this point, oops) but life gets in the way sometimes and I was in no shape to sit through, let alone recap, another Jason & Friends adventure. Things are back to “normal” (not sure that’s the word that describes things around here but whatever) so here I am, tackling the seventh film installment of this SERIES THAT WON’T DIE.

Obviously I know there is an end in sight; I only have five films after this one. Just five! Only five. God help me, five more of these nightmares, and technically one is a crossover and the other is a reboot. Help. [Wing: You’ve got this! Five is nothing. You’ve done way more than five already. I believe in you!]

This film dropped into theaters on May 13th, 1988. I may have gone and found the trailer on YT, because for some reason I could hear, in my head, the voice over narrator saying “the new blood”. My audio memories were pretty close. I didn’t watch the trailer, I just skipped ahead. Believe me, for all the awful stuff I’ve heard about this entry, I don’t want to spoil my misery!

ANYWAY. Although I was much more aware of films in general at this point (I would have turned 7 roughly a week ahead of this film’s release) I can’t tell you why I remember that tagline. I would say it was probably played on television, I probably heard it and desperately tried to ignore it (I was a horror wuss at that time in my life) but I could also be imagining it.

Glancing at the wiki article, it seems as though this was originally intended to be the crossover with Nightmare on Elm Street but negotiations fell through and the meet cute between Jason and Freddie did not happen for another fifteen years. Huh. Part of me still wonders if I need to stop and start watching THAT franchise between I get to the crossover film. Hm. Wing, thoughts?

Yeah, I have never seen Nightmare on Elm Street. (Or Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Or Hellraiser. It would be easier to write a list of what I have seen, tbh.) I wasn’t kidding when I said I’m a horror virgin.

I love that the working title during filming was “Birthday Bash”. Now that’s a movie I wish I was watching. At least it’s a lot more interesting in my imagination then I’m sure this will be. Okay, let’s just get on with this before my pessimism ruins the fun.

Let’s Do It, Jason! (You have failed to come and save me from all this, Kevin Bacon, damn it! Some great American hero you are! STAR-LORD LIED!!)

Important note! Remember, I am rolling over the body count from each of the previous films recapped, so that will be reflected in the counter and final tally.

Recap

Oh look, the updated (millennial?) Paramount logo! I guess this copy isn’t from the original release on whatever format but whatever. I could greatly do without the discordant sounds, though. That’s just awful.

Logo finishes, screen fades to black, white text (yeah, I wouldn’t want to present this crap but here we are Paramount Pictures.) Who would ever be stupid enough to name their production company “Friday Four, Inc”?? Also, that’s a hell of a name, director dude. It’s not Belcher but if you switch some of the letters, it very well could be, and now I’m laughing.

Oh, ffs, another cold open. Ugh.

It’s night (duh), the rain is coming down in heavy sheets (again, duh), and it’s foggy (of course!) OH BUT TWIST! WE GET A NARRATION VOICE OVER! [Wing: I generally enjoy voice over narration, but this is just not good.] I guess they felt audiences needed to know something this time? Narrator speaks of a “legend” (sigh) of a “killer buried but not dead”. We are treated to a mid-section shot of Jason, carrying his beloved machete, then he’s busting through the window and grabbing little Tommy (I hope Feldman got residuals for that) before we’re back to the iron work fencing around the cemetery. The narrator mentions “a death curse” (????) before it’s old footage again, of a sharp object being stabbed through someone in bed to the floor below. Oh, okay, the curse is a “Jason Voorhees curse”. Which, what? Who wrote this?!!?

More old footage! [Wing: By the time you get to the end of the series (or, I guess, the end minus the reboot), 99% of the movie is going to be old footage. Just stop, movie. Just stop.] The guy in the wheelchair from…I’m not taking the time to go back and figure out who that was and from what installment… falling down the outdoor stairs at Camp Crystal Lake! Geez. I mean I know they have SO MANY FILMS TO CHOOSE DEATHS FROM. Oh, look, another one! Jason holding a knife about a woman’s terrified face. Narrator tells us people say Jason died as a boy but he “keeps coming back”. THAT’S BECAUSE NO ONE IS SMART ENOUGH TO STOP MAKING THESE GODDAMN FILMS AND/OR THE CHARACTERS KEEP RESURRECTING JASON. IT ISN’T HARD TO STOP, BELIEVE ME. IF I HAD A PHONE BOOTH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME, KILL JASON ONCE AND FOR ALL, AND HANG WITH BILL AND TED!!

“Few have seen him and lived.” I GUESS I’M ONE OF THE FEW?

This is, like, seriously an awful way to begin a film. Yes, we’re seven installments in but if this is to “catch up” people who never watched the first six (and sure, I’m factoring in that there were some people in the audience that hadn’t bothered but for some unknown reason decided to start the series at film #7, wtf) but I really think this is… mostly for retcon purposes.

Because we all know that’s basically what film #6 did to film #5, and subsequently the events of the earlier films, as well.

I’m honestly sick of retcon-ing films. (Don’t start me on how the “new” Star Wars films wiped out the existence of all the EU novels I spent my formative years reading. I am still fucking pissed off about that. Talk about way better adventures/characters then the “new” films came up with. Ugh.)

We see Feldman’s Tommy slash Jason’s face/head with a machete, before the image changes to the simple tombstone in the graveyard from the previous film, which has a super imposed / double exposure explosion. I’m all for practical effects but that was hella cheesy. Um, why did they blow up the tombstone but seconds later it’s intact and there’s an open grave below? DOES CONTINUITY EVER MATTER IN ANYTHING??

Okay why film anything new when you can just run footage from the previous film! Ugh. This is fucking lazy and frustrating.

So we Tommy 2.0 (who is still cute) attempting to drown Jason in the lake using that heavy chain and I guess it’s a rock. Yeah, it’s a giant fake rock because it’s wobbly and not sinking the canoe like, say, a real rock would. Snort. This is terrible.

Tommy setting the lake on fire. Fun. Jason shooting out of the water, on fire, giving me a jump scare even though I knew it was coming, thanks. Tommy and Jason struggling, Tommy through the chain over Jason’s neck, the canoe splitting in half, the “rock” sinking to the lake bed, Jason struggling and slowly drowning.

“People forget he’s down there, waiting.” Look, old man narrator! DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING USEFUL TO CONTRIBUTE OR WHAT?

FINALLY

Almost three and a half minutes into the film and we’re FINALLY treated to Jason’s mask with light shooting through the eye holes and I’m guessing this is the title card? Yep! There we go! The hockey mask splits apart with a glowing red crack down the middle, and the title appears. Geez, I lost four months waiting for this to happen.

White text on black background. I guess there’s something that’s basically consistent through out the series. The score is a little more… I dunno, “industrial”? Not so much high pitched screeching, which I was not enjoying. I actually feel like I’m watching a Terminator film with this score.

While I’m thinking of it, I’m gonna go ahead and call all that above A) utter nonsense and B)

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+1)

Because we all know that somehow this is trying to justify that the events of movie #5 never really happened while keeping movie #1-#3’s events in canon, while saying that the events of films #4 and #6 are how we got to #7. Does anybody understand what I just wrote? PLEASE EXPLAIN IT TO ME. [Wing: Pretty sure it would take one of those conspiracy theory room with the walls covered in notes and photos and colourful string connecting different things. And even then it wouldn’t make sense.]

We open on the lake. It’s dark. Night time. The lights are on in the cabins. We head underwater, where somehow it’s lit up so we can see Jason, still chained to the rock and seemingly dead, quite clearly. How he has not rotted from being under water (I guess we don’t know how long he’s been down here but there’s a huge fake string of weeds that have apparently grown, so?) is beyond me but this is Jason. Who was raised from the dead by fake lightning bolts in the prior film.

HOLY SHIT, IS THAT YOU, CAROL ANNE?

We went from an establishing shot of a white house with a car parked in front of it, sitting right on the lake, to a white-blonde-haired girl on the porch staring at the front door, with one of those tear-away calendars placed obviously in the shot for the audience to notice. Of course it reads OCTOBER 13TH. I don’t know who keeps a tear-away calendar next to the outside front door but whatever. It’s also a screened-in porch. Okay I guess that makes more sense?

Anyway. The little girl is listening to her mother verbally argue with a man, potentially her father and/or step-father. The mother is begging her to come inside, while also demanding the man stop drinking. We hear the sounds of a slap to the face; the argument has turned physical. The little girl runs into the tree line. The man calls after her: “Tina!”

Tina has made it all the way to the fancy dock slash boat ramp (wow, pillars and lattice work, fancy fancy!) while the father figure is still calling for her. Tina slips into a handy unattended metal boat; father figure yells and runs down to the dock. Somehow, without showing it, Tina has started the outboard motor and is sailing away from the dock. Yet there’s no motor noise.

So father figure in his awful buttercup yellow sweater is yelling and begging Tina to come back. Tina says she hates him, he hit her mother again, and tells him to go away. Okay. Mother comes running out of the house and heads down to the fancy dock. Maybe Tina didn’t start the motor but now she’s kind of out in the middle of the lake yet far enough to hear/yell at father figure. I’m so calling shenanigans on this.

As soon as Tina yells, “I wish you were dead!” at her father figure person, the camera zooms in close on her face, and oh my god is she some sort of telekinetic brat?? Like Matilda but with Carol Anne hair? BECAUSE NOW THE DOCK IS COLLAPSING AND THE FATHER FIGURE IS PANICKING.

The dock heaves back and forth quite mechanically, Tina yelling and crying “Daddy, no!” as it falls to pieces and drops him in the water. Mother sees the trouble but isn’t in time to do anything to help and/or stop it.

Although it’s poorly insinuated and barely shown, Father is hit over the head by the boards of the dock and is trapped, unconscious, under the water. That’ll teach you, abuser.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+85)

Only the roof of the dock is left, submerged half underwater, as Tina screams…

…and comes awake, much older, asleep in the passenger seat of a moving car. Mother, older but with a terrible mullet hair style that is atrocious my god what was wrong with us in the 80s, is driving and asks if Tina is all right. Tina brushes her off.

To surmise: they’re off to do something that Tina thinks is a terrible idea but Dr Crews thinks is a good thing, and Mother says something about this helping Tina and hating to see her go back to the hospital. OH GOOD, ANOTHER INSTALLMENT INVOLVING MENTAL HEALTH JUST WHAT I WANTED. Ugh.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+2)

Because you know as well as I do that’s what this vague conversation is about.

The car speeds past a hand-painted sign (wow, what a huge budget this film had!) for Crystal Lake, because all roads lead back to Crystal Lake. Hey, wait, did we ever manage to understand the time jump from, like, film #2 or #3? Or does that even matter now?

Returning, literally, to the scene of the crime, it kinda looks like Tommy’s house and the rental one are back, from film #4. So we’re on the other side of the lake? HOW DOES GEOGRAPHY WORK?? Dr Crews is waiting on the porch of the rental home, where all those horny teenagers were murdered in film #4. Tina doesn’t look thrilled to see him.

Mother and Dr Crews make chitchat while Tina stares at the rebuilt dock, before saying hello to the new group of horny teenagers staying at the other house. Two women in bikinis lounge in deck chairs while the dude is washing his soft-top Jeep. Oh lord, spare me.

Tina unlocks the trunk, Mom and Crews taking in luggage. Which is a lot of luggage to be carrying when you’re not even seen taking it out of the trunk. WHAT IS WITH THESE WEIRD EDITS???

“So this is where it all started!” Crews notes as he and Mother enter the house. For some reason, Mother shuts the front door and seems to deadbolt it. WTF? She then asks if the doctor thinks they’re doing the right thing. Apparently, Tina hasn’t made enough progress at the hospital (??) and while returning to the scene of the crime as it were is tough, Crews assures her they’re doing the best they can.

Um.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+3)

Tina struggles with her giant suitcase, which is somehow unlocked and spills the contents all over. Jeep Washing Boy runs over to help, while Team Shallow and Judgmental make commentary. Tina tries to stop him but Jeep Washing Boy insists it’s really no problem TO GET HIS SOAPY HANDS ALL OVER HER CLEAN CLOTHING MY GOD DECK HIM WITH THAT SUITCASE, TINA.

Dude just literally picked up her satin panties. Ugh. Tina snatches them away. She makes snide and sarcastic commentary about not knowing what she would have done without his help as bikini girls laugh in the background.

Back in the… is it a house or a cabin? I’m not really sure? Anyway, Tina isn’t real thrilled about starting whatever exposure therapy process Crews wants to do. Apparently he’s had time to set up an entire office, with a desk, and another desk across from it, and a giant old school video camera. He tells Tina to sit at that second desk. Hm.

“Why am I seeing things?” WOW, way to bust that out randomly to the audience, Tina. I would have said that whole opening was more a dream slash memory than “seeing” things, but whatever. Also, gonna stick another one of these in:

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+4)

Ugh, I hate when therapists/psychologists/etc always turn the question back on you. Fucking hate that. Tina sighs in exasperation while Crews fiddles with the video camera. He’s using it to track Tina’s progress. Uh huh. Sounds suspicious in this context.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+5)

This… okay we know Tina’s telekinetic in some form. So Crews has set a matchbook on the desk top, and tells her to focus on it. Okay. What, now she’s supposed to be pyrokenetic now? Nope, Crews just wants to make her move the matchbook with her mind. Okay.

I’m going to guess that, based on the poster and the fact Tina has already demonstrated her abilities as a child, somehow Jason’s gonna show up and she’s either A) going to kill him or B) become him like Tommy did (oh wait, that was movie #5!) but with my predilection for plot foresight, I’m going with B. The New Blood is kind of a dead give away.

Wow, no one was kidding, this movie sucks.

Crews starts recording but Tina is nervous and keeps looking at him. The matchbook just sits there. Crews berates Tina, telling her to concentrate. Yeah, berate the woman with the mental powers, good idea.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+6)

Tina gets upset when the matchbook doesn’t move. She insists that sometimes things move and sometimes they don’t and she doesn’t know why. Crews yells that she’s lying to him. Yeah, I pretty much hope Crews dies a very violent and painful death in the very near future. [Wing: This is some A+ doctoring right here. A+.]

OH MY GOD. The actor playing Crews is the same dude who played Bernie’s corpse in Weekend at Bernie’s! AHHHH! I knew I recognized his face! Personally, I like him better “dead”.

Crews insists that Tina can do this, that her telekinesis is tied to her emotions. WELL DUH. Anybody who’s read Matilda knows this. So, of course, upsetting Tina by yelling at her is going to make her emotional.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+7)

Suddenly, the matchbook moves! (That’s some real shitty stop-motion animation goin’ on there.) Both Crews and Tina are shocked. Gee, this is the outcome you wanted. Crews steps back and asks her what she did. Dude, really? What was on her mind? “I was thinking about you,” Tina answers, and the unspoken part is “And how much I want you to die, you asshole.” C’mon, you know it, I know it. Crews laughs then says Tina’s telekinesis is a manifestation of repressed guilt over her father’s death.

“That’s bullshit!” Tina screams and the matchbook spontaneously ignites. [Wing: YES FINALLY SOMEONE MIGHT SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE FOR ME.]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+8)

“I rest my case,” Crews mutters, as Tina flees the room.

Over in the baby blue, not-entirely-windowless van that’s parked beside the other rental house, one of the bikini bimbos is getting it on with not-Jeep-washing-guy, who’s uncle apparently owns said rental house. He stops sucking her face off long enough to complain about them having to sleep in the van instead of said actual rental house. WTF? Bikini bimbo retorts, “Who says we’re sleeping?” Yeah, I wouldn’t call that sleeping. Prepare to die, sinners.

The sun is setting and Tina is in another room, crying, staring at a framed photo on the wall. I’m gonna go with that being dear old dead dad. Tina’s mother enters and startles her daughter, Tina rambling about how much she misses dad and of course Crews wanders into the doorway to continue to upset Tina. She leaves the room in a huff. I would like to complain about this set design, because it looks like someone just bought every random item from a couple of junk/resale/antique stores and threw it all over the set. None of this shit makes sense.

Tina goes outside, in the now-dark, and runs down to the dock. Staring at an empty boat and the dark water, she replays the violent death of her father in her mind. We get treated to a voice over and a flashback. Yay. I would say someone with telekinesis yelling “I hate you and I wish you were dead!” while their powers destroy the dock should technically feel guilty. “I’m sorry,” Tina whispers, crying. “I wish I could bring you back.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+9)

OH GREAT. The camera focuses on the reflection of the leafless trees before we head underwater to see, what’s this? WHY IT’S JASON VOORHEES! STILL CHAINED TO AND FLOATING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE!

Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Seriously, I’m pretty sure I addressed this already, but flesh rots. I know the writers are going to pull the “EVIL / MAGIC” card without saying it and have that be the reason Jason is basically still in one piece but good god get a new explanation.

Hey, wait a minute, we don’t know why Carol Anne Tina was in the boat in the first place, do we? Hold on – okay I went back and read my own recap, and the parents were arguing and there was domestic violence. And, oh yeah, JASON HAS REMAINED UNDER THE WATER OF THE LAKE FOR DECADES NOW.

Tina’s still standing on the dock, crying and having what are technically flashbacks, while the camera really focuses on the still mostly intact and not remotely skeletal remains of Jason. Are there no fish in this lake? Like, do they peck at his flesh and instantly die?

UM WAIT A MINUTE. Tina has been focused so hard on… does she think her dad is down in the lake? Because otherwise, her EXTREME FOCUS and painfully obvious attempt to use her powers makes no sense.

A bunch of bubbles float up and suddenly Jason comes to. Yay.

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+1)

(FWIW, I checked my previous recap and had already deleted Jason from the rolling body count. This goddamn franchise is making an accurate body count so damn hard.)

Anyway, Jason is struggling, not only because he’s suddenly “alive” again but he’s found himself entirely underwater and chained there to a rock. Tina, intensely concentrating, mentally snaps the chain and frees Jason. [Wing: Wait, if she’s trying so hard to bring back her dead dad, why is she breaking chains? Why was she trying to break anything? Why — god, no, I have to stop wanting logic and continuity from these movies.]

We get, like, four different angles of Jason bursting to the surface, the noise of which is enough to startle Tina back into the present. Oops. LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE, TINA.

And Tina faints. FADE TO BLACK.

Oh, neato, Jason wanders to shore and his whole back is rotted away to show a fantastic bit of prosthetic SFX makeup his flesh has indeed rotted away to expose his spine, shoulder blades, and pelvis. Wow, I feel like this should have won an award? That’s pretty damn awesome looking. I guess I have to take back my bitching about him not rotting away underwater. [Wing: But only from the back? That’s weird.]

Jason wanders away and we fade to black again.

Suddenly, Tina’s mother is shrilly screaming for Crews, having noticed her daughter lying unconscious on the dock. Both adults rush to her aid. Tina comes to and immediately asks “where is he?” And then there’s a weird jump cut to her now in the house, laying on the couch under a horrible afghan blanket, while her mother sits in a chair and Crews is making Tina recount what happened.

Tina can’t describe Jason. Uh huh.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+10)

“You’re saying a man came out of the lake?”
“I know what you’re thinking but this has nothing to do with my father!”

OH COME ON OF COURSE IT DOES YOU WERE CRYING AND FLASHING BACK TO HIS DEATH AND TRIED TO SUMMON HIS BODY FROM THE LAKE WHEN IT WAS CLEARLY NOT THERE BUT SOMETHING WAS SO YOU FREED A MASS MURDERER “ACCIDENTALLY”.

Crews goes on about not running away from guilt and how it’s a powerful force but of course Tina isn’t having it. Crews clearly doesn’t believe a body came up from the lake. Well, that attitude will serve you well, Crews.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+11)

Tina screams that she wasn’t hallucinating and is so angry she manages to crack the glass in the framed photo of her father on the mantel.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+12)

MEANWHILE! Finally, we get to go somewhere else! A man and a woman are on the side of the road, their car broke down – evidenced by the steam pouring out the raised hood – and now they’re forced to walk in the dark along the road. Oh boy. Don’t you know what’s lurking in them woods?

Lugging all their, um, luggage, and a cooler, the dude decides they’re just going to randomly camp in their present location. Jane insists they should continue, they’re almost to their destination, but Michael is “beat” and refuses to continue. Well, fine. Your loss. (Of life?)

Michael’s reason is they’ll have to return to the car in the morning so being close by makes sense. “Nick can take us.” Uh oh, wrong name to drop. “What would HE be doing here?” Michael is immediately suspicious (?) but Jane is forced to explain that this trip is a surprise party and everybody is awaiting their arrival.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+13)

Just gonna throw that in there, since we know everybody is now very much a potential Jason victim.

Michael seems excited by the fact his friends went to the trouble of throwing him a surprise birthday party. Jane reveals she’s responsible for picking the cabin. OH MAN, MAJOR FAIL, JANE. “Never mind, everything’s ruined. Happy birthday.” Geez, Jane.

Apparently the editor didn’t know how to properly segue into another scene, because we jump cut to Tina opening the backdoor of the kitchen to find… JEEP GUY! HOLDING HER SHIRT! He washed it! And folded it! Damn, keep him!

Tina’s mom wanders in and introductions are made. Jeep Guy is Nick! And mom is Amanda! Well, here’s hoping Nick survives. He’s easy on the eyes.

Nick explains the group in the other cabin are holding a surprise birthday party for his cousin Michael. And he’s conveniently come over to invite Tina to join them. Wow. When Tina shows reluctance, Amanda reminds her she can always spend the evening with her and Dr Crews. Well, that’s sold Tina! She’s out the door with Nick!

Crews wanders in with a bunch of paperwork and wants to know what’s going on, they agreed on no distractions. He even threatens vaguely about sending Tina back to the hospital. WTF. Amanda tells him her daughter needs a chance to be “normal”. I mean I agree, but there’s no real true definition of normal, is there? It’s enough of an answer to mollify Crews.

And then we jump cut back down the road to Jane and Michael. I’m getting whiplash. Jane promises it’s going to be a great birthday, just as they pass a giant “CRYSTAL LAKE 5 MILES” sign.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+14)

The filmmakers are really getting their money’s worth out of that special effect makeup on Jason. He’s wandering the woods, just like Jane and Michael! I wonder if they’ll cross paths…

Here’s a thought: Jason left the lake. He wandered onto shore. Why is he wandering the woods? Looking for mommy dearest? I NEED ANSWERS I know I’ll never get.

Oh look, Michael needs to pee. Yeah, good idea! Wander off the trail in the dark and leave your girlfriend all alone while a reanimated psycho killer is also wandering the woods! Good job!

Wow, that’s wandering pretty far into the woods, Michael. Like, who the fuck is going to see you? IT’S DARK. Jane yells for him to get a move on. Michael complains it’s cold. Buh? Just piss on the dead tree already, dumbass.

Oh, we’ve gone back to the “killer POV” shots. UGH. And there goes Jane. That must have sucked, having Jason’s partially disintegrated, water-logged hand over her mouth, just before he stabbed her in the back. WHERE DID HE GET THE KNIFE? LIKE, HE JUST RANDOMLY HAD A MASSIVE CHEF’S KNIFE ON HIS CORPSE FOR MANY DECADES? [Wing: And being submerged didn’t hurt it at all. That or there’s some camper somewhere camping with a nice set of knives who is now dead and missing said knives.]

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+86)

I guess Jason wanted to give Michael a gift, so he helpfully pinned Jane’s corpse to a tree by stabbing the knife through her clavicle/throat? and leaving her there, for Michael to find, after he wandered back slowly from peeing in the woods.

Happy birthday, Michael! You’re single again!

Michael’s backing away, Jason removes the knife, and I don’t think your birthday party is going very well, Michael. You really aren’t running very fast and we all know Jason has some unexplained supernatural speed, so… hope this wasn’t some milestone birthday. It’s about to be your last.

The amount of shaky camera work in this sucks.

Jason’s sick of this cat and mouse game, so he throws the knife, which (of course) sinks directly into Michael’s back. But he’s not down for the count! Michael’s crawling through the dirt and dead leaves, as Jason advances. Someone’s finally putting up a fight! Oh, too bad, Jason caught up to Michael, and literally picks him up by the knife in his back before throwing him through the air. WTAF.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+87)

I guess Jason just wanted that knife back. He must know how hard it is to come by murder weapons when you’re just randomly wandering the woods in the dead of night.

BACK OVER AT THE HORNY TEEN CABIN, Nick has arrived with Tina! The douchebag from the van immediately accosts Nick, with… I don’t know what that is? It happens so fast I can’t tell what device or machine that is. And it doesn’t matter, because dude in Army surplus grabs Tina because he needs an opinion on some kind of his “I scribbled out a whole sci-fi film on a yellow legal pad!” magnum opus. Wow, these characters are all stereotypical tropes, aren’t they.

In the background, a nerdy-type girl is putting marshmallows on a metal fork to roast in the fireplace. Nick saves Tina from Eddie(?), insisting everyone else at the party is “normal”, before they turn around and find some dude smoking weed with a massive bowl of cheese popcorn in his lap. Uh huh.

This is why I don’t go to parties. I would have to interact with people like this. No thanks.

Oh goodie! More stupid “Killer POV” crap, with heavy breathing! Then we drop in on two girls talking in the kitchen. Stoner dude wanders in and steals toppings off the pizza. Oh my god, he has greaser hair and even has a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his shirt sleeve, what is this, 1959!? Long-haired girl who is rambling about needing her ID stops and stares. “Outrageous,” she moans. YEAH OKAY NO.

Van douchebag wanders in and starts yelling about how the house is trashed and the party hasn’t even started. Bikini bimbo trots in after him, trying to diffuse the situation. Oh, Russ is douchebag’s name. The girls all promise to clean up. I guess that could happen, if you live long enough. Russ is mad everyone’s eating the food, which apparently belongs to his uncle. Yeah. I’m pretty sure that pizza was delivered (somehow?) and that’s a KFC container on the counter, you douchebag.

Nick wanders into the kitchen with Tina and introduces her. The girls welcome her. THINGS MIGHT BE NORMAL FOR A HOT MINUTE. There’s a commotion and apparently stoner dude hurt himself? Bikini bimbo grabs Nick and makes him go with her to “help”. Cue tall statuesque blonde girl entering. She’s snotty to Tina and introduces herself as Melissa. Suddenly, everyone is in the kitchen. Stoner somehow smashed his head into a lamp. He grabs a beer and chugs it, spilling it all over his face while two of the girls giggle. UGH. Y’ALL CAN DIE ANY TIME SOON.

WHOA, SHIT, TINA GETS VISIONS NOW?

She suddenly “sees” Michael being stabbed from behind, blood pouring out of his mouth, before Jason tosses him to the ground. Uhhh.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+15)

I’m struggling as to whether this is really foreshadowing or not. We know it’s happened. Tina is seeing the past. But, on the other hand, this could be her foreseeing current events or the future, as who knows how the timeline works. So I’m just gonna keep is as Pointless Foreshadowing.

Whatever. Tina is shaken up so badly she drops her glass bottle of… beer? Cola? and it shatters on the carpet. Um. Everyone stops and stares, Tina runs out the back door before Nick can stop her. Melissa, spoiled little rich white girl, clearly wants Nick and accosts him before he can follow Tina. I’ll enjoy Melissa’s death.

Tina is running back to the rental house, stopping to stare at… what the fuck is that? All I can think of is it being a metal flag pole holder that’s attached to the door frame. She stares at it like it could be SUPER FUCKING IMPORTANT SOON.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+16)

In the house, she immediately calls for Amanda. Crews is reading a book in the living room. Amanda comes downstairs and Tina immediately informs her she’s seen “the man” again and he was killing a boy with a metal spike. THAT’S CALLED A KNIFE, TINA.

Crews tells her to relax (why isn’t he dead yet, ugh) and they discuss how Tina “knows”. Look, you’re trying to tell me she’s telekinetic AND psychic? I mean, sure, whatever. Crews tries to dismiss her as being delusional. Fuck you, Crews. Tina tells him to go look at the metal thing stuck in the door frame. I guess it could be a machete blade. I’m honestly stumped.

Of course it’s gone now, although hello, there’s a giant hole where whatever it was was stabbed into the wood. Tina thinks she’s loosing it and begs Crews to help her. Amanda helps her in the house while Crews just stands there, looking confused. Okay.

SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE WOODS, a young couple are camping. Warming their hands over a fire. This bodes well. Woman complains she’s cold; man counters they can “crawl in the sack.” Woman tells him to fix the fire; man complains there’s no wood. “WE’RE IN THE FOREST.” Dude with bad haircut just wants nookie. Ugh. You know Jason does not approve of sex.

Pushing him off, woman sends Dan off to get wood. He takes a machete (WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE MACHETES!?) and does a terrible Terminator impression before going off into the dark woods. Woman gets in the tent and starts to undress. You know, for complaining about it being a cold night, you’re not wearing any clothing that would keep you remotely warm.

Out in the woods, without a fucking flashlight, Dan is stumbling around. Funny enough, he’s the one dressed for warmth. There’s a snap of a branch. Then a machete slams into a log. Ha ha, psych! It’s just Dan, chopping wood! Like, I feel like that block is going to have Dan’s head on it soon. I’m psychic, I see stuff, just like Tina!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+17)

And on cue, there’s the shitty Killer POV again!

Dan gathers up his load of sticks and heads off through the darkness. Jason suddenly appears and just punches him right through the back, before snapping Dan’s neck. Um. Okay so I was wrong but also, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU PUNCH SOMEONE THROUGH THE BACK AND MAKE SUCH A GAPING BLOODY HOLE IN A TORSO??

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+88)

Jason is reunited with a machete once more. Name a more iconic OTP. I’ll wait.

More stupid killer POV. Woman yells for Dan to “come and get” her. BAD CHOICE OF WORDS. She can see someone moving outside the tent, but clearly it’s not Dan. That’s when Jason slices through the side of the tent with his machete. Woman tries to hide in the bright yellow sleeping bag but Jason just grabs it and yanks her out into the darkness. Then proceeds to smash her, still in the sleeping bag, against a tree (pole?) real hard just once, and she’s dead. Um.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+89)

I’m pretty fucking sure that he smashed her legs and not her head but whatever. Just racking them bodies up, aren’t you, Jason. Making up for lost time?

IT’S MORNING! And we’re back in Horny Teen cabin! A group is gathered in the kitchen making breakfast! Look, token POC characters have arrived! Where were they last night? Why is no one wondering why Michael and Jane failed to arrive for Michael’s SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY??

Oh, never mind, nerdy girl brings up that very topic.

Stoner-lover girl makes a crack about Michael being pulled over for DUI and spending the night in jail. HA HA HA, SO FUNNY! I guess the POC characters are dating, because when the guy demands his coffee, the woman angrily replies before storming off. Wow, what a random way to introduce characters. Melissa wanders in, looking for, who else? Stoner-lover cracks that he went next door to see Marilyn Munster. WOW I HOPE YOU DIE HORRIBLY, YOU STUPID BITCH.

Tina and Nick are pitching stones into the lake. Fun. Tina is worried how Nick’s “friends” perceive her. Nick says they’re not his friends, he only came up to see his (now very much dead) cousin.

Well, we’re moving right along here. Nick gives the cliff notes version of his background: he grew up in Pittsburgh, hung around a “bad” crowd, his dad kicked him out, and now he goes to night school. Wow. The writers really worked hard on that backstory!

AND TINA DROPS THE BOMB! “We used to come up here all the time until my dad got killed in the lake.” WAY TO TL;DR THAT STORY, TINA! Nick immediately stops throwing rocks in the water, lol. Oh man, I needed that laugh.

We get fake Killer POV for a second. It’s just Melissa stalking Nick. Tina tells Nick she blames herself for her father’s death. She goes on to say that Nick shouldn’t involve himself with her, then continues on more about seeing her father die and how it messed her up. THEN SHE TELLS NICK CREWS IS A DOCTOR AND SHE WAS IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.

Like, take the loss, Nick. She’s giving you an out.

Then this takes a… well, weird, turn. Nick almost catches Melissa spying. Then he doesn’t. Tells Tina he “saw” the big pink elephant. They laugh. Tina tells him he’s probably going to turn out to be another delusion. I roll my eyes so hard I hurt myself and break the space-time continuum.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+18)

And then they awkwardly kiss and Melissa sees but hides herself further. Sure.

Tina goes in the house, sans Nick, and greets her mother. Of course she’s giddy now. Nick likes her, he kissed her! He doesn’t think she’s insane! But here’s Crews to rain on her parade.

Over at the Horny Teen House, nerdy girl is making kebabs on an outdoor girl with Bikini Bimbo and random POC woman. Oh, look at that expert product placement with the Mt Dew can! Nerdy girl goes inside, while the other two discuss what happened. Apparently Ben, token POC male, blew off his girl to go with Eddie. Uh huh. Meanwhile, Russ has been tossin’ the old pigskin around with Ben and immediately they stop to discuss what happened with Kate.

This is some shitty writing and it shows.

Oh yeah, Tina wandered over to the Horny Teen House, entering the back to find Stoner rolling joints and Melissa in the kitchen with Stoner Groupie. “Have you seen Nick?” Melissa is catty, per usual.

OH NO. NO NO NO NO. NOOOOOOO.

(Fuck. It figures.)

Stoner announces it’s “cocktail hour” while holding up a bag of weed oregano. Nerdy girl giggles and turns to Stoner groupie aka Robin. “DID YOU SEE THE WAY DAVID JUST LOOKED AT ME??” (Why. WHHHHYYYYYY.) Robin isn’t impressed. She insists Maddy isn’t David’s type. I think she’s right; weed is all that David’s interested in.

David decides it’s time to smoke. Immediate action follows! Melissa tries to con Eddie (who is the Army surplus dude who writes shitty sci-fi) into… something. Robin decides she’s going to get stoned for the first time. Maddy tries to stop her – Robin doesn’t smoke – but Robin counters they came to the Horny Teen cabin to have fun. Uh huh.

Maddy pulls Tina into the living room with the others. Tina just wants to talk to Nick. Melissa puts Eddie’s jacket on him backwards, then taunts Tina about it being a straight jacket, proving she overhead Tina tell Nick about her time in the mental hospital. Great. Please reward me for putting up with this bullshit by violently murdering Melissa, Jason.

Well, well, well! Tina reacts so emotionally to the taunting, Melissa’s pearl necklace begins to choke her. NICE! Although the special effect is kind of shitty and doesn’t really work, Tina’s telekinesis splits the strand and the pearls go flying. “WOW!” David laughs. (Ugh.)

Tina freaks and runs, just as Nick comes downstairs. Everyone else stares, Melissa dives on the floor to collect the pearls. Awkward.

Oh goodie, it’s dark again. Another time jump. Tina is losing her shit on her mother and Crews. She’s seeing things, she hates being at the cabin. You’re telling me? I still have nearly an hour of this film to sit through. It’s no picnic for me, either.

“Christina, when you’re highly emotional you do almost anything.” WOW WHAT A CHEAP COP-OUT EXPLANATION, WRITERS. Is this setting up Tina (and/or her powers) to be a deus ex machina? Because it feels like it is.

Everything has dissolved into screaming. Tina wants to leave. Crews wants to know where she’ll go. Back to the mental hospital? Amanda says they can leave in the morning. Crews screams about keeping Tina in the mental ward for the rest of her life. Tina reacts by mentally “throwing” the TV at Crews. Huh. [Wing: Yes, yes, threatening someone with confinement is totally the way to help them and/or make them listen to your arguments and come around to your side. You are the WORST, Crews. And on a deeper note, the threat (real or only perceived) of that sort of forced hospitalisation keeps a lot of people from pursuing treatment in the first place. Way to drive that message home, movie.]

Crews ducks just in time, of course. Tina flees, running into Nick, just as he comes in the door to the screened-in porch. Tina tells Nick she wants to leave. “Melissa is just a bitch.” Well, thanks for confirming it, Nick.

Tina dismisses that, tells him something is really wrong and then asks if Michael ever showed. Nick admits his cousin did not. “What does he look like?” Tina, you’re opening a can of worms, here.

…why does Nick carry a photograph of his cousin in his wallet???

Upon seeing it, Tina knows Michael is the one she saw in her vision. “I think he’s dead.” Before Nick can get answers, Amanda comes in and tells Tina to go pack her things, they’re leaving in the morning.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+19)

Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure. If you survive the night.

Russ and Bikini Bimbo, who’s dressed like a blonde Daisy Duke, wtf, are walking hand in hand by the lake. He asks when she fell in love with him. She retorts it was when she saw his big beautiful wallet. Ha ha ha. You’re going to die.

“The big bulge in your pants was calling out my name! Sandra, Sandra, take me now!” Yeah, this is some of the worst dialogue ever written. And now it’s time for Sandra to go skinny dipping!

Sandra is already bare assed and diving into the lake while preppy Russ is barely unbuttoning his pretentious late 80s yuppie attire. I kind of wish Jaws would show up.

Never mind, Jason just popped out from behind a tree. Russ crab walks backwards, trying to get away, without making a sound. Sandra is under the water and sees nothing. I’m shocked Russ isn’t like screaming or something.

And that’s when Jason uses the machete like a golf club and splits Russ’s face up the middle.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+90)

Sandra surfaces and immediately sees Russ’ corpse on the beach. She at least has the decency to scream. Jason’s gone, btw. I don’t know when he learned to disappear instantaneously. But it doesn’t matter; Jason pops up right in the lake beside Sandra, who continues to scream while trying to swim away. It’s difficult to understand exactly what Jason is trying to do in his attempt to murder her. All we get is a bunch of gratuitous T & A underwater shots before, suddenly, Jason grabs her leg from down below the water and yanks her down to her watery grave.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+91)

Back inside HORNY TEEN CABIN, Eddie is decorating for a party that was supposed to be yesterday, with an arm full of crepe paper. Kate complains they went to all the trouble and no Michael. Robin and David are dancing – to no discernible music – and what he likes most about her is that she hardly sweats. Um. Maddy stares in jealousy before stomping up the stairs. Ben asks Kate if she wants to hit him.

Nick, meanwhile, has phoned Michael, who is never going to answer. Kate and Ben sort of make up. Speaking of, Maddy is upstairs attempting to put on makeup. She ditches her nerdy glasses and piles on mascara.

Jason wanders out of the lake, dragging Sandra’s body.

Whomever Nick ends up speaking to, he tells them Michael is a no-show and he’s going into the woods to look for him. BAD IDEA. In walks the kiss of death, Melissa. “Hi Nick.” she brays. “Still mad at me?”

Nick gives her what for but it’s lost on Melissa, who denounces Tina as “crazy” and that all is fair in love and war. I want to smash her smug face repeatedly into the kitchen counter. Or maybe strangle her with that pile of crepe paper Eddie has wrapped himself in, since he’s on display in the background of the shot.

Nick informs Melissa he doesn’t even like her. Melissa counters that like has nothing to do with it. Where’s Jason when you need him. Melissa proceeds to fake hit on Eddie to inspire Nick to jealousy. That’s not going to work, you stupid poorly written bitch. (Also: Star Mummy would have probably been a much better film that Rise of Skywalker.)

Outside, some more Killer POV and heavy breathing, before we see Jason through the mini blinds. He’s come for the horny teens! Praise Jebus!

Back in the other cabin, Crews opens a desk drawer and removes the metal spike thing that Tina saw wedged in the door frame and stares at it. I knew it! Dude hid it!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+20)

Melissa now has Eddie on the couch and is rubbing his inner thigh. Bleh. It’s like watching some bimbo make out with Alan Frog. She’s just lying to you, Alan, I mean Eddie.

Jump cut over to Amanda looking for Crews. She enters his office, switching on a light, but he’s clearly not there. Of course Amanda sees the open folder of notes and sits down to read them.

Crews, meanwhile, is out on a walk in the darkness. When he just randomly happens upon Michael’s still-pretty-fresh-looking corpse. (WTF, there should be at least some decomp and discoloration happening!) Stupidly, Crews picks up the murder weapon, still covered in Michael’s blood. I’m sorry, this can’t be that far from the cabins, how did NO ONE NOTICE.

Crews throws down the murder weapon just as there’s a bright flash of lightning. Then he runs away from the body. Poor Michael, you’re just never going to make your party now.

Amanda, meanwhile, finds the piece of metal in the desk drawer and a VHS tape. WHAT A HANDY VCR PLAYER RIGHT THERE ON THE DESK! BUT NO, IT’S NOT A VHS TAPE, IT’S A “WE COULDN’T FIND A CASSETTE TAPE SO WE’LL JUST USE A VHS TAPE AND PRETEND IT’S AN AUDIO TAPE!” SITUATION WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Amanda is upset by what she hears on the “tape”. Crews intends to keep Tina’s emotions on high to induce more of her powers.

Crews wanders in just as she switches it off. “You never intended to help her!” Amanda cries. WELL DUH. Seriously, woman, your child is a guinea pig to this “doctor”! He proves Tina’s telekinesis exists? $$$$$!

Oh here we go. Amanda and Crews argue, Amanda accusing him of hiding things, Crews insisting she can’t be expected to understand this “highly complicated process”. Basically he’s torturing Tina as “treatment”. “LIAR!” screams Amanda.

Look, lady, you meant well, but you hooked up with a charlatan who sees dollar signs. Amanda realizes Crews brought them to the scene of the crime – as it were – to make Tina “perform”. Unfortunately, they’re arguing so loudly, Tina hears them as she passes by with her suitcase. Stopping to listen at the closed door, she overhears Crews say they’ll put Tina back in the hospital and begin psychotropic drug therapy. OH GREAT.

(Seriously, one of my fears regarding mental health is being put in a in-patient facility and being given psychotropic drugs.) [Wing: Hard same.]

“She’s dangerous to herself, she’s dangerous to all of us.” Crews tells Amanda nonchalantly as he packs his briefcase. Um, dude, you’re an asshole. And you’re a double asshole for bringing a woman you think is mentally unstable and “dangerous” to a place where it would increase her emotions and further destabilize her. Yeah, I’m gonna enjoy you dying.

“She killed her father and look what she tried to do to me.” Crews rambles on, basically stripping Amanda of her parental rights and insisting that he just recommit Tina and be done with it. Yeah, let’s acknowledge ANY OF THIS BEING YOUR ABSOLUTE AND ENTIRE FAULT, CREWS. Okay, we’ve found the part of the movie where my CAPSLOCK RAGE chimes in.

That’s it, Tina’s done. She runs downstairs and takes the car keys. Amanda screams at the closed window for Tina to stop but Tina’s gone, barreling down the dirt road away from the cabin.

On her way, she passes what is most likely Jane and Michael’s car, parked on the side of the road, before she encounters a figure seemingly dancing (or flailing?) in the middle of the road. “Mom?” Tina asks, leaning forward to get a clearer view.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+21)

Yeah, Tina just “saw” Jason stabbing Amanda to death from behind. Oops. Don’t drive distracted, Tina. This is why you end up driving off the road and crashing into trees.

Now they’re all car-less and trapped in the woods with a reanimated psycho killer. Fun. Tina manages to extricate herself from the car crash before running into the woods. BAD IDEA.

SMASH CUT! Back to Horny Teen Cabin, Maddy has given herself a saucy late-80s makeover. Damn. You’re wasting all that effort on David the Stoner, but whatever. I mean it’s good for her self esteem? Still wasted effort. Go punch Robin!

I’m honestly confused as to why Maddy thinks David is outside? What did I miss? Shouldn’t he be in the living room getting high? Okay, I guess, we’re outside now, Maddy calling for David. In the dark. Wearing high heels. Without a flashlight. Ugh.

Maddy finally comes to a stop, realizing she’s lost one of her hideous earrings. Look, COME BACK IN THE DAYLIGHT TO LOOK FOR IT. But no, why listen to me, a horror virgin who has survived six other installments of Jason’s rampages. Maddy kneels down to feel (?) in a very specific patch of grass for the earring. Also, she doesn’t have her glasses on and I don’t think she’s wearing contacts. How is this supposed to end well?

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+22)

WHAT THE FUCK SHE JUST RANDOMLY PULLS THE EARRING FROM THE GRASS?????

Standing up and putting the earring back on, Maddy hears a snap. That’s when Russ’ corpse drops from the branches above. Maddy does the correct thing in screaming at the top of her lungs. It’s also the wrong thing, as her screams attract Jason, who pops out from behind yet another tree. Ugh. Maddy flees.

Jason plods along behind her. Like, he’s in no hurry. He’s got all night. Maddy makes it to a small outbuilding but its door is stuck. Eventually she forces it and makes it inside, but now you’ve gone and shown Jason his new perfect shopping center. BECAUSE THERE’S JASON, PUSHING THE DOOR OPEN, AND FINDING A NICE PEGBOARD DISPLAY OF SHARP GARDENING TOOLS!

Maddy backs into a (very poor) hiding spot but makes enough noise to draw Jason’s attention away from those hedge loppers on the wall. Maddy takes initiative and crawls under the ragged wooden door into a smaller cubby. Yeah, look, honey, say your prayers, because you’re going to die shortly. I mean, at least you dressed up for it?

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+23)

She watches Jason through a gap in the wooden door. Jason eventually sees her and damn if he can’t hear her gasping for breath. A bolt of lightning illuminates Jason but he disappears. Feeling as though the coast is clear, Maddy removes her heels and crawls out from under the door. Sigh.

Holding onto her heels, Maddy tries to be quiet and fails miserably. Jason picks up a rounded short sickle and wanders down the shed under his arm punches through the wooden wall from behind Maddy. He grabs her, punches the other arm through, and there’s the sickle! Maddy continues to scream but we don’t see her die.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+92)

Look, with the way bodies are stacking up, I’m sure Maddy has died. We’ll see her body again for confirmation. I’m just doing my job here and keeping track.

Back to Tina! Who’s still running through the woods in the dark! But look! It’s Nick! He’s found her! “I’ve just saw my mom! I’ve gotta go find her!” Tina cries and takes off, leaving both Nick and I sorely confused by her statement. I mean, I know what she means but I’m pretty sure Nick doesn’t. Not exactly.

What the fuck, it’s taken them all this time to get in Crews’ old Volvo station wagon and drive along the dirt road to find Tina? God, this movie has no sense of time! None at all! Amanda sees the wreck of her car, makes Crews pull over, and jumps out, yelling for her daughter. Amanda goes into freak out mode and Crews stammers that they didn’t pass Tina on the road. GOOD JOB, MORON.

Jason wanders up and stands outside Horny Teen Cabin, looking up at all the lights on in the windows and thinking what wasteful assholes these children are.

Oh yuck. Alan Frog Eddie is attempting to make out with Melissa and it’s… well, it could be going better but clearly dude is a virgin and has no experience. Melissa complains about Eddie’s watch, he apologizes and goes back to sucking on her neck.

MEANWHILE, David and Robin have clearly done the deed because they’re romping naked over pink sheets on a couch hide-a-bed in another room. Sorry, Maddy, Robin fulfilled her wish for FUN this trip. Also, way to be enthusiastic, David.

Jason has had enough. He wanders over to the creepy blue van and stares right in the back windows, which are uncovered of course, and watches Ben and Kate fucking. Oh dear. You are now super doomed.

Seriously, though, I was joking when I kept typing Horny Teen Cabin but OH MY GOD IT WAS PROPHETIC I’M SORRY.

Kate hears the noise Jason makes but Ben is… um… engaged too deeply to pay attention. Kate keeps asking him what the noise is enough to get them uncoupled. Ben thinks it’s Michael being an asshole. “What timing,” Kate complains. She then decides they need to surprise Michael. Um. No. Bad idea. You should be attempting to flee.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+24)

Both push open the back doors of the van and yell surprise, which results in nothing. Ben keeps calling Michael a “mother fucker”, which makes me question exactly how much friendship is really between these people, because they are hella disdainful of their “friend” and have been through out the film. Sure, 90% of these characters are two-dimensional and have no written personalities beyond tropes and stereotypes but it’s still poorly written to the point of distraction.

Ben starts pulling on his clothes to go out and get Michael. Kate is reluctant. Ben shuts the doors and wanders around the van. Suddenly, Kate is dressed and yelling at Ben, wondering if he’s coming back. Well.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+25)

Jason wanders up and grabs Ben’s head from behind… crushing it? Squeezing it? I mean, I see the blood dribbling out from his chin-area but this seems a really odd way to kill someone.

Kate hears none of this. She climbs into the driver’s seat of the van and rolls down the window, looking directly out where Ben and Jason were a split second ago. OF COURSE SHE SEES NOTHING, NO BLOOD, NOTHING, UGH.

And that’s when Jason wanders up, grabs her by the hair, and shoves the party favor noise maker into her… face? Mouth? Eye? I CAN’T TELL AND I AM SUPER MAD ABOUT IT.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+94)

Bye bye, Ben and Kate. The token POC characters have died together.

Upstairs, Eddie is not remotely satisfying Melissa, who tells him “this isn’t going to work out.” She actually goes so far as to tell him she lied about being interested and all the nice things she said about him. Ugh. Bitch, you deserve to die. Eddie looks like he’s going to cry. She tells him at least she gave him a chance. KILL HER, EDDIE, IT’LL MAKE YOU FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

Melissa’s plan? For Nick to walk in on them. It didn’t happen. Eddie, why even ask why Melissa lied??? Ugh. He equates rejection by Melissa to all the rejection letters he’s received from the “finest” sci-fi literary magazines and heads off to take a cold shower and jack off with the soap-on-a-rope. I mean, at least he’s realistic about this? But ugh.

From rejection, we head downstairs where David and Robin are cuddling and enjoying the afterglow. Seriously, the one successful couple is the stoner and the groupie? Ugh. (Whhyyyyyyy.)

Wow! Jason! He’s seriously pissed about the electricity hogs in this house being wasteful! This is probably not the first environmentally-friendly thing Jason has ever done – if I thought about it hard enough or went back through my recaps, I’m sure I could find something? – but it’s the first instance in this film! Jason just totally ripped the electric meter to shreds!

LIGHTS OUT ON HORNY TEEN CABIN!

First to notice? David. But Robin doesn’t care. She decides to roll on top of her stoner lover, who is as equally surprised by this as the lights going out. Lord save me.

BACK IN THE WOODS, Tina is still running… somewhere… with Nick on her heels. That’s when they happen upon Michael’s body, still laying there in the crotch of a tree. Huh. Sorry, Nick.

Tina, instead of consoling Nick, just has more memories of her visions and whispers “I knew it.” Because that’s a helpful reaction when you come across the body of your love interest’s cousin. Oh wait NOW you realize how insensitive that is? Tina apologizes to Nick and drags him away from the body.

MEANWHILE, Jason enters HORNY TEEN CABIN so he can maximize his body count for this film.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+26)

 Um, either that was real quick or nothing really happened, because now Robin and David are taking a break. That is until David informs Robin his is HUNGRY. Robin counters that she’s REALLY STONED. You know, I’m honestly going to be okay with them dying.

David gets up and we get to see his blood red Jockey shorts (ugh) while he says something about “hunter/gatherer man needing nourishment” (?! Is he a Taurus?) before he falls out of bed and Robin starts gigging at him. SAVE ME.

After he manages to find and put on his jeans, DAVID TURNS OUT TO BE THE ONLY SMART ONE IN THIS FILM BECAUSE HE GETS OUT A FLASHLIGHT. OH MY GOD. I CAN’T MAKE THIS UP. HE EVEN GOT A SECOND ONE OUT FOR ROBIN.

David wanders upstairs, sweeping the flashlight beam around, before ending up in the kitchen. He immediately slips on… liquid that is all over the vinyl flooring. Blood? Mud? Who knows! It’s DARK. Opening the fridge, David crouches down to rifle through it for sustenance. Which means his back is turned towards Jason wandering over.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+27)

Just as David stands up and yells, “Maddy?” Jason stabs him right in the gut with a huge knife. David falls down, allegedly dead.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+95)

Welp. So much for being the “brightest” stoner in the bunch, David.

SMASH CUT BACK TO TINA AND NICK, still running through the woods, when they suddenly reach the cabin she was staying in. There’s lights on in the windows. She and Nick enter and immediately go to the office, because – I think Tina says something about her father’s pistol? Why would it still be there? And would it even be loaded??

But what does it matter. Tina finds the big sharp metal… thing on Crews desk and confirms he lied. Doesn’t stop her. She immediately searches for the pistol. Nick stands around and fondles the metal spike while Tind finds the… large handgun in a drawer and hands it over, obvious disgust on her face, to Nick.

That’s when she finds a note book filled with newspaper clippings about Jason Voorhees and his multiple mass murder rampages! Nick wants to leave and save (what’s left of) his friends but Tina (so the script tells her) realizes she needs to stop and read the clippings.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+28)

“It was Jason Voorhees in the lake!” She whispers in shock. And then the room and its contents start to violently shake, rattle, and roll. “It’s you!” Nick exclaims, realizing that Tina is totally unstable. Gee, pal, you finally believe?

I HAVE QUESTIONS. LOTS OF QUESTIONS. BUT CLEARLY WHETHER I GET ANSWERS OR NOT IS DEPENDENT UPON THE WRITERS OF THIS TERRIBLE PIECE OF HORROR FICTION.

Over at HORNY TEEN CABIN, Eddie is reading the birthday card Melissa wrote for Michael. After realizing it’s a bunch of lies, he tosses it and sums up exactly what I was thinking about Melissa: “Cunt.” Meanwhile, Melissa slips down the stairs and out the front door, making enough noise to be totally noticed, but Eddie is oblivious.

Eddie decides he might as well open Michael’s gifts. (ME: HOW THE FUCK HAS NO ONE NOTICED DAVID DEAD IN THE KITCHEN AND JASON RIGHT THERE BECAUSE THERE’S A HUGE OPEN HOLE IN THE WALL WHERE THE KITCHEN AREA OPENS ONTO THE LIVING ROOM?) Jason just wanders through some unknown part of the house. What the hell is going on??

Nick is helping Tina down the stairs, asking if she’s all right? Would you be? Oh wait! SHUT UP! NICK HAS A PLAN! If Jason Voorhees is really out there, he wants to get everyone together and “get the hell out of here!” Um, Nick? Kiddo, you’re doomed. No two ways about it. Should’ve stayed in fucking Pittsburgh.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+29)

Tina spaces out for a second and then realizes she “knows” Amanda is in the woods. Uh huh. Nick says they need to get everyone together and leave, before they go after Amanda.

God, the fucking SMASH CUTS and jump cuts in this film are fucking annoying. Because now Jason comes down the stairs (HOW DID HE GET UPSTAIRS??) and is slowly walking up behind Eddie, who is still opening Michael’s presents. Eddie thinks it’s Melissa, changing her mind, and when he turns to look at her, Jason hacks his head off. Oops.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+96)

Seriously, this movie only exists to give Jason a higher body count. There isn’t anything remotely interesting or fun about these deaths. I’ve complained about this before. Wasn’t it Part III? A body count for a body count. Ugh.

Jason goes back upstairs. At this point, if I’m doing my math correctly, Robin is the last remaining horny teen in the cabin. And there she is, putting her shirt on. Uh huh. She creeps out of her room, tests another door and finds it locked, before knocking on another door and calling for Maddy. No answer, door also locked. A third door! No answer from David.

But that door is unlocked! So Robin enters and finds the bed unmade and the room pretty messy. But nobody is in there, so she enters and closes the door behind herself. Like… what the fuck.

It really does turn out to be David’s room. Joints and bags of weed and lighters litter the nightstand. (In 1988 this was probably shocking. In 2020, I live in a state where it’s legal. This is no longer shocking.)

A creak comes from the closet. “David?” Robin calls. Because for some reason she thinks stoner boy would hide in a closet? Stupidly, Robin goes over and opens it, which allows the cat trapped in the closet to come flying out. Robin is startled, I roll my eyes, and await Jason popping up somewhere in the room.

I’m left waiting because Robin has time to kneel and pick up the cat, inquiring of it whether it belongs to David then deciding (so very dead) David doesn’t have a cat. Robin settles on the window bench, the cat very much wanting to be let free. That’s when Robin plops her hand onto a blanket soaked in blood.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+30)

I mean, does it even matter to count that? We know what’s coming.

Looking at her blood-soaked hand, Robin realizes Jason has so thoughtfully placed David’s (?) Eddie’s (?) SOME DUDE’S HEAD right there for Robin to find. Seeing as we know Jason beheaded Eddie, I’m going to go with it being Eddie’s severed head. But I don’t know. Even stopping the film on the frame doesn’t give me enough to go on for proper identification. (Yes, I could go read the wiki article but I am purposely avoiding that until I finish watching the film.)

Oh well. It elicits a proper screaming response from Robin, which immediately draws Jason into the room. Robin backs up but finds herself trapped. Then a really fucking odd thing happens. Jason grabs her by the throat and throws her towards the bed but a split second later Robin comes crashing through the window.

FAIL! BIG FAT FUCKING FAIL, FILMMAKERS!

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+97)

Robin lands on the dirt and gravel driveway with a heavy thud. Although it’s probable she could survive, I’m going to go ahead and count her as dead. Because, really, this movie is shitty and I want it to be over already.

In another instance of HOW DOES TIME WORK, Nick and Tina are still on the stairs, arguing about going after Amanda versus finding Nick’s friends and getting the hell out of Dodge. Like, is this happening simultaneously as Robin’s death? If so, shouldn’t they have heard her screams and the glass breaking?? AGAIN BIG FUCKING FAT FAIL, FILMMAKERS.

Tina refuses to leave the house in case Amanda comes back (???) and insists Nick go alone to collect his (very, very dead) friends. She promises to stay put in the house. Uh huh. Nick’s gonna die. You should have given him a proper kiss goodbye, Tina.

Nick leaves. Well, do I even need to? I guess so.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+31)

Nick runs over to the HORNY TEEN MORGUE, finds the place dark and suspiciously quiet. Why he calls out for David first, I dunno. But then Nick heads upstairs, calling for Maddy.

JASON IS OUTSIDE ON A NATURE WALK! Like, how the fuck… I swear, this film… it’s giving me a headache. I can’t even tell if Jason is walking down into a ravine or what.

Amanda, meanwhile, is screaming and running through the woods, DEMANDING TINA ANSWER HER. Ugh. Crews catches up and grabs her, telling her she’s wasting time and Tina has probably gone back to the house. Wow, a character with some logic! First David and the flashlights, now Crews being sensible?!

Seriously, Amanda is being a fucking idiot and I wish Crews would slap some sense into her but too late, a twig snaps and that grabs Crews’ attention. More awful Killer POV shots, while Amanda yells and makes a nuisance of herself.

Look. Now that we know Crews has been keeping a devoted scrapbook to Jason and all things Crystal Lake, would anybody be remotely shocked that he A) already knows it’s Jason and B) purposefully brought Tina here in order to attempt to either resurrect Jason or somehow… well, I mean, dude knows the body was somewhere and probably at the bottom of this particular lake, based on the clippings. CLEARLY, WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY (VERY POORLY) IS CREWS HAS STUPID BAD ULTERIOR MOTIVES AND IS/WAS USING TINA AND HER POWERS FOR SOME REASON TO USE JASON.

Man, this is a shitty film.

Crews wants to call the cops but suddenly, post twig-snap, is just going to leave and ditch Amanda to find her own way back. Amanda is smart enough to steal the car keys, then rips into Crews, calling him a lousy doctor and a fucking coward. Well, duh, woman. I swear. Crews tries to get the keys back but as soon as he sees Jason approach, he takes off like a jackrabbit.

I don’t know what kind of lawn care tool Jason is carrying but… it’s like a hockey stick with a blade at the end, and that blade has a hook-like end. Look, I don’t do work on trees. Clearly that is for trees, right?

Amanda and Crews flee, Jason plods along behind. Remember when Jason actually ran? This version is apparently still too waterlogged to do so. Damn, this is making me miss previous versions of Jason. [Wing: And that’s saying a lot.]

Crews stumbles and lands in the dirt, pulling Amanda to join him. “Tina knew! She tried to tell us!” he explains, poorly and very late, giving Jason AMPLE TIME TO CATCH UP TO THEM oh my god, seriously.

Crews, the “fucking coward” asshole he is, strong-arms Amanda into being a human shield. Jason stabs in with that wicked gardening tool from behind as she screams. Crews ends up with blood spatter on his face.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+98)

BUT WHO CARES BECAUSE WE SMASH CUT BACK TO HORNY TEEN MORGUE, where Nick is wandering around in the dark, still looking for his (they’re so very dead) friends. Oh, and he has Tina’s dad’s handgun now. Oh shit, right, Melissa is unaccounted for! I mean, we’re 2 bodies off from hitting a grand total of 100 over 7 films, so I guess Melissa is good for something after all?

Anyway, Nick has failed to accept that it is JUST TOO LATE for his friends. That’s when he finally notices something wrong and kneels down to find Eddie’s corpse under the coffee table. Oops! I guess that was David’s head in the bedroom!

For once, a character in these films decides seeing one body is enough and Nick immediately leaves the house, running pell mell back to where he left Tina. BUT TINA LIED! SHE IS NOT SITTING THERE ON THE BENCH WAITING AS SHE PROMISED. AND NICK YOU MORON YOU DIDN’T THE FRONT DOOR NOT THAT IT WOULD STOP JASON BUT STILL.

A noise draws Nick’s attention and he aims the gun, only to find it’s Melissa. “Where’s Tina?!” “The psych ward. How should I know?” WELL WHICH IS IT, YOU CUNT.

Instead of doing the right thing and shooting her, Nick tells Melissa that Eddie is dead and that he also saw Michael’s corpse. Melissa doesn’t really believe him. Even when Nick seems to start crying. Aw.

Tina, because why not, is out wandering the woods. I’ve got news, you saw your mother’s death, it happened, but HOW DOES TIME WORK BECAUSE THIS MOVIE KEEPS FUCKING WITH IT.

I love that these characters just RANDOMLY WALK AROUND IN THE WOODS IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT BECAUSE THE “MOON LIGHT” IS SO BRIGHT THEY CAN SEE PERFECTLY.

“Tina!” Crews whispers loudly, catching her attention. He tells her she has to come back with him. Tina wants to know where her mom is. CREWS LIES AND SAYS AMANDA IS BACK AT THE HOUSE. Tina knows he’s lying. Crews tries to grab her but Tina breaks free and sees the blood on his clothes.

“You gotta help me,” Crews stammers. Now, look, bucko. You’re an A+-grade asshole who has tortured Tina for (still not quite revealed) reasons. Tina of course demands answers. Now is not really the time for that. Crews finally admits Amanda is “gone”. Tina runs back into the woods, Crews screaming for her to not “go in there”! Like, dude, you just basically admitted her mom’s dead, she’s totally going to listen to you.

Why Jason doesn’t just step out from behind a tree right that second and stab Crews, I dunno.

OH WAIT. WISH GRANTED!

Killer POV settles on Crews, who has dramatically flailed through some trees, and we hear the sounds of a chainsaw being started. (Oooo, I need popcorn!)

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+32)

OH! It’s not a chainsaw, it’s like a… weed whacker? An edger? SOMETHING THAT RUNS ON GASOLINE AND CUTS. THAT’S A PRETTY BIG CIRCULAR BLADE. I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT WAS MY FAVORITE IMAGE OF THE WHOLE FILM, JASON JUST APPEARING OUT OF THE TREES WITH THAT GIANT POLE SAW THING. HA HA HA, YOU GONNA DIE, CREWS!

Crews tries to run away to prolong the inevitable, stumbling and clawing his way along the dirt road and up the embankment. The motor on the saw goes dead. Crews thinks he’s gotten away, stands there panting for air. JASON JUST PSYCHED YOU OUT, BRO!

Okay, for some really fucking strange reason that seems quite out of character, Jason punches Crews in the stomach, knocking him back into the air and rolling down the hillside. Then he stops to restart the pole saw (I’m gonna say that but I’m still not sure what the hell this gardening tool is.) Crews tries to back away but Jason slices him in the midsection with the saw blade. We hear Crews shriek and go silent.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+99)

THAT WAS FUCKING ANTICLIMACTIC AS FUCK. I WANT MY MONEY AND TIME BACK. I WAS EXPECTING SO MUCH MORE AND I AM GREATLY DISAPPOINTED.

Tina’s still running through the woods. I swear, if you edited this film to just the clips of characters running through the woods in the dark, you would be hard pressed to think that they’re in the actual woods because it all looks the goddamn same.

Anyway, Tina happens upon her mother’s corpse – looking remarkably clean and peaceful for such a violent death. I dunno, I have a whole lot of problems with this film as it is, so maybe I’m being nitpicky but none of the victims – okay with the exception of David’s head which was SO VERY FAKE – really look all that traumatized.

I don’t know why but Tina abandons Amanda’s body and runs off into the woods, only to catch a glimpse of Jason wandering through. If I’m remembering correctly, we have three players left in the game: Tina, Nick, and that cunt Melissa. WHO’S GONNA BE JASON’S 100TH VICTIM???

Tina runs (again) through the woods (again) and sees someone in a tree. “Kate, is that you?” (Firstly, WHEN DID SHE MEET KATE?? KATE WAS NEVER SHOWN AT THE PARTY WHEN TINA WAS THERE!?!?) Tina runs over and grabs Kate’s arm, which makes Kate’s corpse fall over in the tree. Jason shoved that party favor horn in her eye. THANKS FOR CLEARING UP THAT MYSTERY, FILMMAKERS!

Tina doesn’t scream but she does back in the very naked body of the very dead Sandra, who is laying in the dirt at the feet of the very dead Maddy, who is sort of… I dunno, crucified on a tree? There’s nails pounded into one of her wrists and her throat has been slashed – this is all shown through grisly closeups – so I dunno, does this mean Jason is making a corpse display garden? Seems really odd…

Then, randomly, Russ’ body falls half out a tree, inducing Tina to scream and RUN AWAY.

I swear, not only do the filmmakers not understand how TIME works, they also do not understand LOCATION, because Tina barely runs and suddenly she’s back on the dirt road and facing off against Jason. Who’s standing not far from the HORNY TEEN MORGUE. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WHY DOES THIS FILM STILL HAVE LIKE FIFTEEN MINUTES LEFT

“Jason?” Tina whispers.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+33)

Annnnnd now we have reached the wacky-assed magic portion of the film. (You have got to be kidding me.) Tina stands there and suddenly a massive length of tree root starts to shake under the leaf debris and dirt near Jason’s feet, before it detaches itself and starts to wrap around Jason’s legs. Uh huh. Sure. It’s strong enough, guided by Tina’s emotions, to pull Jason into a handy mud puddle. Uh huh. Sure. Once Jason is down and flailing about in the puddle, Tina looks up and finds a handy electrical pole, mentally snapping the electrical wire free in a shower of sparks. Right. Sure. Uh huh. Said live wire falls to the ground and is mentally snaked over to the puddle, where it pauses for some drama before plunging into the water. Electricity immediately starts to snap and zap Jason.

UH HUH. SURE. RIGHT. OKAY. COOL, COOL, COOL, COOL.

There’s some loud explosions and clearly animated “lightning” flowing around Jason’s body as he thrashes around, being electrocuted and all. (This is dumb. And terrible. I want a refund.) And then it’s over. Jason falls face down in the mud puddle, presumably deceased. [Wing: But electricity in the form of a lightning strike helped him before — nope, never mind, not looking for logic. I’m not doing it.]

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+100)

HA HA HA! THE JOKE WAS ON ME! JASON WAS THE 100TH VICTIM IN THE FRANCHISE!!

Tina, being stupid and having obviously never watched a horror film in her life, wanders over to the puddle to see if she really did kill Jason using telekinetic powers.

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+2)
Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+99)

Well of course Jason just jolts back up. He’s undead, people.

Tina runs away again, this time into the safety of HORNY TEEN MORGUE, slamming the door behind herself but seemingly not bothering to lock it. Why. And look, someone left those curtains open! WHO DIDN’T LEARN THEIR LESSON??

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+34)

BECAUSE THERE HE IS, LEAPING RIGHT THROUGH AND SMASHING THE GLASS TO SHARDS, IT’S JASON!

Tina slowly backs into the living room, pausing to use her telekinesis to slam the pocket sliding doors shut to seal off the kitchen, as well as move the dining room table in front of the doors. BECAUSE THAT’S SO EFFECTIVE AGAINST AN UNDEAD MASS MURDERER.

Two seconds later, Jason is walking into the living room. Tina finally begins to panic. She uses her mind to throw the upturned couch at Jason, knocking him down, but then falls back and her hand lands on the fake rubber head of Eddie, making her scream even more. (This… this is getting worse. I didn’t think it possible but here we are.)

Tina mentally throws the potting plant, with Eddie’s head and all, at Jason, before exiting the house. Then she stupidly STANDS THERE AND WAITS FOR JASON TO COME OUTSIDE, STILL IN HOT PURSUIT AND DETERMINED MORE THEN EVER TO KILL HER. THIS IS A CLEAR EXAMPLE OF “WE HAVEN’T A CLUE HOW TO END THIS, LET’S JUST THROW SHIT AT THE WALL AND SEE WHAT STICKS!”

Apparently feeling real confident in her superpowers, Tina snaps the support beams and causes the whole roof of the porch to collapse on Jason. Jason actually seemed confused by this, before the roof fell on him.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+100)

MEANWHILE! Nick and Melissa hear the commotion! (Wow. Just… wow.) Tina then enters and Nick goes to her, but all Tina says while crying is “Mom. He got my mom.” I get it, I’d be upset if Jason had murdered my mom, too, but… writing is so poor… ugh…

“I killed him. Jason’s dead.” OH TINA YOU SWEET SUMMER CHILD.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+35)

Sure enough, there’s Jason, punching his rotting hand up through the tar paper and shingles of the destroyed roof.

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+3)
Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+99)

THIS ISN’T FUN ANYMORE. C’MON, ACTUALLY KILL SOMEONE AND GET ON WITH IT, I WANT TO STOP WATCHING THIS.

We return to Melissa yelling at Tina and Nick, so I’m guessing Tina has recounted events to them, which of course is so helpfully not shown. Melissa says Tina and Nick are crazy and make her sick and she turns to leave. Nick, stop trying to stop that cunt. Let her go. Let her DIE already!

Melissa actually says she’s going back to bed and asks Nick if he wants to come. WHAT THE FUCK. Not only is she a cunt, she’s a poorly written trope of a cunt.

Jason, meanwhile, has found a handy axe!

Nick valiantly tries to get Melissa to stay but she’s determined to leave, screaming “FUCK YOU!” at Nick just as Jason’s shadow looms through the curtain covering the round window in the front door. Melissa opens the door and Tina screams, because Jason’s standing there. Melissa goes silent for once.

Raising the axe, Jason wanders in and plunges it into Melissa’s head, as though it were a ripe watermelon. Then he flings her body at the TV, missing it and hitting the lamp that is RANDOMLY PLACED BEHIND THE TV WHAT THE FUCK.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+100)

Well, finally got our official 100th victim. BUH-BYE, MELISSA.

Nick and Tina edge around the room, Nick trying to shield Tina – dude, she’s the one with the mental powers! – before Nick tries to send Tina through the open front door. Jason slams it closed. Nick feigns and Jason falls for it, giving Tina time to run upstairs. Jason gets a hold of Nick and sends Nick tumbling on the stairs but Nick gets away.

Yes, let’s go upstairs again. This worked so well in… part IV?

Whatever room the couple decides to try and hide in, the door is locked. Nick slams into it with his shoulder but fails to open it. Tina takes a deep breath and walks toward the stairs, focusing. Jason is advancing. Tina focuses hard enough to swing the light fixture hanging from a chain and smash it into Jason’s face. He goes down hard, hard enough to fall clear through the staircase.

This isn’t remotely realistic at this point.

YET AGAIN THEY THINK THIS IS ENOUGH TO TAKE JASON OUT. YOU FUCKING FOOLS. Nick jumps over the hole in the stairs and helps Tina to cross it. Just as they reach the front door, JASON BURSTS OUT OF HARRY POTTER’S ROOM UNDER THE STAIRS THE CLOSET SPACE UNDER THE STAIRS AND GRABS NICK AND THROWS HIM TO THE GROUND. THEN JASON PROCEEDS TO STEP ON NICK’S LOWER BACK IN AN EFFORT TO SPLIT HIM IN HALF.

What the actual fuck.

Tina is screaming again and buckles down her focus YET AGAIN with a decent target for once. She telekineticly tightens the straps on the hockey mask until they dig into Jason’s rotting noggin. Jason whips around to face her just as the front of the mask splits apart, revealing… well, that’s ugly. Most of his nose is gone, his lips are rotted away, his teeth are gaping like a Jack o’ Lantern’s smile, and he only has one working rotted eye but hey, looks aren’t everything.

AND THEN THIS STUPIDITY GETS WORSE. I SWEAR, I COULDN’T EVEN COME UP WITH THIS CRAP IF I TRIED.

Tina mentally explodes a hanging light fixture then “pulls” the electrical wire down from the ceiling to wrap around Jason’s throat like a noose. Then she makes the wire retract, pulling Jason with it, effectively hanging him.

I wish you could see my expression. It’s a mixture of disappointment and resignation.

OH GOOD GOD REALLY. Instead of letting him slowly choke to death, Tina makes the floor explode open, then lets Jason fall to the… basement? Is there a basement? I can’t tell!

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+101)

Advancing slowly around the gaping hole in the floor, Tina tries to check on Nick, who is not answering. Pausing for a second, Tina looks down on Jason’s body. Then the camera zooms in for a closeup and, you guessed it, his eye opens.

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+4)
Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+100)

I’M REAL TIRED OF THIS FAKE OUT BULLSHIT.

Of course Jason is fully capable of leaping that distance and grabbing Tina, dragging her down into the basement with him. She gets free and Jason tears off the electrical wire wrapped around his neck in disgust. Tina notices jars of nails. Mentally she tips one over and sends the nails flying. A few manage to sink into Jason, making him stumble back. MY QUESTION: HOW DOES HE ACTUALLY FEEL PAIN AT THIS POINT?

Jason recovers and makes a show of pulling the nail free from his forehead. OH LOOK, A LIT BOILER MERRILY WORKING IN THE CORNER. LET ME GUESS. THAT CONVENIENTLY PLACED CAN OF GASOLINE IS GOING TO MEET IT SHORTLY?

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+36)

Man, I hate it when I am so right.

Tina uses her powers to not only unscrew the cap but to extend the nozzle, then mentally make the gasoline spew out of the nozzle in a forceful arc that reaches Jason. Look, this is not a fire hose. I am not buying this. Jason flails around, being sprayed down by the gasoline, moving ever dangerously closer to the flames in the boiler.

Just for fun’s sake, the gasoline also spews all over some handy bundles of newspaper and magazines, and for even more fun, some of it sprays on Tina’s clothes.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+37)

I’m guessing there’s a reason for this but I don’t want to think about it too closely.

Tina removes the oversized shirt just as the gas can runs out of contents. Jason advances but Tina gets a clear view of the boiler and opens it. Now, whether you want to say she telekineticly shot the fire out or has gained pyrokinetic powers is up to you. Either way, flames shoot out and light the bundles of paper on fire. The flames travel the WAS THAT EVEN THERE FIVE SECONDS AGO river of gasoline that’s on the floor, blocking Jason’s path and trapping him.

And that’s when Tina sends another jet of flames out from the boiler, which engulf Jason. There’s a lot of slow motion footage of the stunt man dressed as Jason dancing around in flames. Yawn.

I guess Jason never learned STOP DROP AND ROLL.

This keeps going on but whatever, Nick is conscious again! Conscious enough to go down the stairs into the basement and get Tina, who’s too entranced watching Jason burn to, you know, ESCAPE.

Jason finally goes down, face first, and Nick screams at Tina and they get out of the house, which is rapidly catching fire. They run to the deck and jump to lie face down on it (why not jump in the water??) just as the house VIOLENTLY EXPLODES.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+101)

I have more questions.

Nick asks if Tina’s okay and she just sobs that everything is gone. Is she speaking of the house? Her parents? Or is it a metaphorical meaning? Are her powers gone?

AND YOU GOT ME, fucking movie. I jumped. Jason comes out of nowhere and grabs Tina, throwing her across the dock.

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+5)
Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+100)

I’m really tired of this, guys. This is just the worst.

Nick gets up and remembers he has the handgun, firing three rounds into Jason before Jason is close enough to knock the gun away. He pushes Nick into the boat, a loud thunk sound follows.

Tina can’t run. Her leg is hurt. She closes her eyes, as Jason advances, and concentrates. Bubbles erupt in the water near the boat where Nick lays, unconscious. (Dude is going to have such a headache/concussion, if he survives this.)

Just as Jason closes in… what. the. fuck.

Tina’s “dead” father explodes up from under the dock, hurling a heavy metal chain around Jason’s throat. Dude doesn’t look dead, let alone waterlogged. And with that, Tina’s dad hauls Jason down into the watery depths. Tina passes out.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+101)

It’s daylight, again, and firefighters are dousing the blazing remnants of the house. One firefighter picks up the broken pieces of a hockey mask. The fire truck reads “STOCKTON FIRE DEPT”. When did we suddenly move to California?? ISN’T THIS SERIES SET IN NEW JERSEY????

Three medics are moving Tina on a stretcher. Why none of them thought to put down the wheels and roll her to the ambulance is clearly a plot hole but whatever. She wakes up enough to call for Nick. One of the medics assures her Nick is all right.

Oh man, that old ambulance! It’s Ecto-1 but back when she was still an ambulance!

They literally load Tina on the stretcher into the back of the ambulance, where Nick is laying on an already-loaded stretcher. The slam of the door awakens him. “Jason?? Where’s Jason?!”

“We took care of him.” Tina replies. The ambulance rolls away with its siren blaring, CUT TO BLACK, ROLL CREDITS.

Final Thoughts

*stares blankly at the screen for a long time*

That was fucking stupid. A waste of time. Yes, I could have finished it months ago but I honestly thought it would be much worse about the topic of mental health. Not that it was remotely kind to people who suffer traumatic situations that fuck up their mental states, but seriously, this wasn’t even worth me being upset about.

It was just shitty, plain and simple.

Looking through the wiki article, apparently the filmmakers decided Jason needed to go up against a Carrie-style female. WHY? What the fuck? If this was allegedly supposed to have a, quote “higher standard of quality”, then you ALL FUCKING FAILED. BIG TIME. [Wing: A higher standard of quality? Really? R E A L L Y? Wow.]

It also says that this was supposed to be the installment that crossed over with A Nightmare on Elm Street but, obviously, it didn’t happen until later. And the filmmakers wanted this to win an Academy Award. Wow, so delusional. It seems that, and I complained/noted this, all the violence and gore was “toned down” to keep the film from receiving an X rating. All the deleted scenes – and there’s quite a handful of them – are included in the boxed set. Oh well. I doubt I’m really missing much.

Seriously, I’m mad. This wasn’t good, it wasn’t fun, it had so many fake Jason deaths I am utterly burned out by them.

I wish I had more to say but I feel like I said it all in the recap, as this terrible waste of film and time was happening.

Anyway, please congratulate me on finishing and posting this on the 32nd anniversary of its original release date (5/13/88). For once I was actually on time for one of these films. Shocking.

Until we travel to the island of Manhattan and see Jason’s Big Adventure, I bid you adieu until we do it again in the next installment of Let’s Do It!: A Virgin Does Horror!

Final Counters

Crystal Lake Body Count: 101
Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 37
He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 5

Poppin' my horror movie cherry one cult classic slasher film at a time. Let's do it!

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