Recap #216: Deadtime Stories #17: Faerie Tale by A.G. Cascone by

19 March 2019
GOT ANY SCABS?! They could be worth gold
Why HELLO, it’s me! The Scab Fairy!

Title: Deadtime Stories #17 – Faerie Tale, a.k.a. “Reject Ridge High”

Author: A.G. Cascone, a.k.a. Annette and Gina Cascone

Cover Artist: Mark Fredrickson

Tagline: This is no tooth fairy!

Summary: Who’s watching while you sleep?

The first time Colin saw the tooth fairy was after he’d lost his first baby tooth.

His parents laughed when he told them. They said it must have been his imagination. Kids never really see the tooth fairy.

But Colin kept seeing her every time he lost a tooth. And even though it was a little spooky to actually see a fairy, he still kind of liked it and felt pretty special.

But now that he’s older, Colin is starting to see other fairies in his room at night. Some of them are pretty scary looking. And they’re starting to take a lot more than baby teeth!

Before he knows it, Colin finds himself stuck in a truly grim fairy tale. And he doesn’t have much time to figure out how to escape.

Initial Thoughts

This month for Point Horror I’ve planned out a small fairy tale theme for my recaps. I decided on this months ago when I realized this month’s “Graveyard School” would be “Jack and the Beanstalker.” Well, even though with all the delays I’ve stuck to my decision. I never really get to talk about my interest in fairy tales so I saw this as a fun change of pace and a good way to start the new year.

“Faerie Tale” is the last of the Deadtime Stories series and it’s one of the more difficult entries to find. People used to charge ridiculous prices for it on Amazon, but I got lucky last summer and found a cheap copy. Now I’m sure you all remember how awful “Grandpa’s Monster Movies” was, but this book is a delight. In fact it’s one of the funniest YA horror books I’ve ever read. I’m sure part of that comes from my fascination with fairy tales, yet I won’t spoil all that happens.

Suffice to say though, the summaries aren’t exactly truthful over what happens in this book. I was always under the impression “Faerie Tale” was about a kid who could see fairies all his life, and as he got older they started to turn more malevolent and creepy looking. That’s not what happens at ALL.

Recap

Colin woke up because of two things: the pain in his loose baby tooth, and a faint humming noise. He looked around the dark bedroom and couldn’t see anything, except for his twin brother Quint sleeping in the top bunk.

Even though Colin’s 11 years old, he’s still somewhat afraid of the dark and didn’t want to wake up Quint. That’s happened far too much in the past and he didn’t want to deal with Quint’s teasing. Fearless Quint joked it’s due to all those horror books and comics Colin reads, that’s why he’s scared of the dark. But Colin was also fond of fantasies, and he enjoyed drawing his own comics as much as he read them. Not like Quint, who was sports savvy and on practically every team they’re school offered (not all at once mind you).

But that isn’t to say Colin and Quint didn’t get along. They shared more interests than differences and were best friends.

Twins! So symmetrical yet so asymmetrical!

Colin figured the noise was nothing and tried to go back to sleep, only his loose tooth was still a problem. It was his last baby tooth, but it wasn’t quite loose enough to fall out. Colin tried to think of other shit to take his mind off the tooth dilemma, when he realized there was definitely someone else breathing in the room. Yet Colin remembered all the other mishaps he was responsible for:

  1. When he thought he saw a UFO
  2. When he thought he saw Santa
  3. When he thought he saw the Easter Bunny
  4. When he thought he saw the Tooth Fairy

That was when Colin felt something pry open his mouth, something breathing stale breath right in his face!

An ugly winged creature stood on Colin’s chest. It had pried Colin’s mouth open and was peering into it. It held a miniature pair of pliers in its minuscule hands. Colin watched it as it yanked on his tooth.

The creature looked like a wart-covered, pointy-eared elfin boy. Its yellow eyes stared challengingly into Colin’s, almost daring him to scream. It released a high-pitched chuckle as it went about its work. Its wings beat in the air as it pulled harder and harder on Colin’s tooth.

Faerie Tale Chapter 1 Page 10

Wow and this is the first chapter those Cascone sisters don’t fuck around.

Colin realizes this isn’t a dream and begins screaming. The creature panics and disappears without a trace, and Quint wakes up too. He demands to know what the fuck is his bro’s problem. As Colin stops screaming, he catches his breath and thinks maybe he WAS dreaming after all. Quint begins to joke if Colin had another encounter with the Tooth Fairy.

Colin recalls how, when he was really little, he used to see the Tooth Fairy whenever he lost one of his baby teeth. However, she always looked gentle and pretty, not like that scabby hyena thing. Quint orders Colin to go back to sleep, sarcastically offering to keep him safe from the monsters. Colin envies his twin’s boldness for a moment, but he’s too wound up to fall back asleep. Grabbing one of his comics and a flashlight, Colin chooses to do some light reading deciding he’s too scared to sleep after all.

Colin immediately wakes up the next morning to the scent of breakfast wafting in from the kitchen. The daylight in the bedroom makes Colin feel safer, until he goes into the bathroom and discovers his baby tooth is gone!

Colin frantically looks for the tooth in his room, getting the attention of Quint and their parents. There’s more ribbing about the Tooth Fairy (in the case of Colin’s parents, it’s more gentle than mean), but Mrs. McKay assures Colin the tooth will turn up eventually. Quint just HAD to bring up Colin’s supposed dream, so the McKays rationalize Colin’s visions of fairies with a tooth fetish were caused by the pain in his mouth.

Which means Colin’s officially lost all his baby teeth. Now Quint has just one left, and it’s still not loose. Quint refuses to have their dentist pull it out, even though he’s been warned the adult tooth might start growing and will warp his bite. As a side note, this actually happened to me. My last baby tooth never fell out properly and the adult tooth essentially started growing anyway. I had to go to an orthodontist to have the rest of the baby tooth essentially chipped out.

Anyway, Quint swears no one’s yanking his tooth out, dentist or fairy or otherwise.

At around 12 midnight, those scabby fairies proved Quint wrong.

Colin woke up to Quint screaming about his tooth. Quint was holding his mouth and was bleeding, exclaiming it happened to him too. The McKays hear the shouting and are confused and concerned by this development. When Colin blurts Quint’s tooth was pulled out, Mr. McKay asks if they did this together. Mrs. McKay reasons they wouldn’t have done something like that unless they had pliers. So Mr. McKay assumed this was twin empathy, his usual explanation for when weird things happened to the boys. By his logic, Quint lost his tooth because Colin lost one as well.

Too bad they can’t find the tooth.

Mrs. McKay is more worried if Quint’s still in pain and offers him aspirin, before making sure he gargles with salt water because of the bleeding. As soon as the kin folk go back to sleep, Colin demands details. Quint explains it’s the same thing that happened in Colin’s “Dream,” and now he wants to wait for that freaky fairy to come back to have a “Talk” with him. He’s sure the bastards are gonna want more teeth, but Colin thinks they should tell their parents. Quint vetoes the notion, assuming their parents will think they’ve lost it.

Quint is determined to fight the little bastards when they come back, shouting for all to hear the McKay Twins are gonna kick their asses. Two hours later, they’ve amassed an assortment of weapons like bug spray, a fishing net, baseball bats, squirt guns, and flashlights with new batteries. The twins plan to fake being asleep to lure the fairies into a false sense of security. Trouble is, they were only expecting one and when it arrives, it’s got back-up.

Oh, and they don’t want teeth anymore. Now they want HAIR.

The twins valiantly struggle against the fairies but their weapons are useless. They try to herd the flying scabs into their closet, but the fairies rip apart their clothes and disappear. Left with a bunch of shredded shirts, Colin and Quint can’t understand why this is happening and are horrified by all the new bald spots on their heads. Their one clue to this mess is a tiny scroll one of the fairies left behind.

Pulling out a magnifying glass from their desk, the boys inspect the minuscule writing and discover the fairies left them a poem.

Wee faeries we are,

Faeries are we.

No longer apart shall we stay.

We are not whole,

And ye shall find

That ye need we and we need ye,

Together, the Brothers McKay.

 

Deep in the woods,

Where the hill is steep,

We await ye one last day.

Then the sun disappears

And ye shall find

That yours is ours and ours is thine

To claim, the brothers McKay

 

Come into the woods,

Escape your plight

When the moon rises over the hill.

A trail will lead you,

Find the way.

Then at peace we can be and so shall ye,

Forever, the brothers McKay

Faerie Tale Chapter 7 Pages 32-33

Quint complains it doesn’t even rhyme very well, but Colin (the writer) disagrees. Colin figures the poem is saying the boys have to make peace or something with the faeries, and if they don’t it’s only gonna get worse. Of course, the boys have no idea what they did to these faeries in the first place but they’ll worry about that later. Quint is all for another fight and promises to make these faeries sorry they messed with the McKay twins.

What Colin and Quint didn’t know was the faeries had a VERY good idea about what the twins could do and who they are.

Since the poem wants them to meet at night and it’s daybreak, the boys have the rest of the day to bone up on faerie knowledge. First they have to worry about their wrecked hair and are glad it’s not a school day. Quint proposes they use the gel Mr. McKay applies to his hair to make it grow back. This idea is immediately cancelled because the “Gel” looks and smells like diarrhea. No really they even call it that AND “Vomitorious.” They settle for trying some “Insta-do Spray Hair” but play around with it because it looks so stupid.

Hiding their hair underneath baseball caps, Colin tells Mr. McKay they’re skipping breakfast to go to the library. Colin bullshits Quint put off a book report for too long and he’s gonna lend a hand. Quint is aghast at the idea of being seen in a library, to which Colin tells him to get over himself. EVERYONE uses the library, including famous sports players. Quint stop being a stereotype.

Colin effortlessly shows Quint how to look up shit on the library’s electronic card catalog (Because it was the 90s, you see!) and they find over 20 different books about faeries. They also learn about all sorts of fairy creatures, including:

Boggarts, brownies, changelings, brags, abbeys, dobbies, henkies, merrows, hobgoblins, banshees, redcaps, selkies, bogies, bogles, dwarfs, imps, and elves.

But none of the pictures and illustrations the boys found looked like the creatures which assaulted them. And none of the information really helped them figure out what the cause of these visitations were.

After leaving the library, the boys discussed their plans for the evening. They’d sneak out after their parents went to sleep and head for MacArthur Woods, the creepy forest behind MacArthur Elementary. Kids were forbidden from playing in those woods and often told stories about the weird things which supposedly went on in them. But it was the only forest around, so the poem was most likely referring to that area where the boys would find the faeries. And if the boys can’t make peace or whatever, they’ll kick ass.

Making an excuse of going to bed early, Colin and Quint stuffed pillows under their blankets and sneaked off into the night. They reached the perimeter for MacArthur Woods and set about trying to find the “Fairy hill.” While they didn’t immediately spot the hill in question, they did find a trail of small white pebbles (obviously the trail from the poem). Instead of a hill, the pebbles lead the boys to a tree with a sign reading “REJECT RIDGE.” Colin and Quint are at a loss for what this means, until they discover a boy and girl about their age sleeping under a nearby tree. The girl wakes up and freaks when she sees the twins. Colin and Quint can make out these kids are blonde, dressed in strange clothes, and look HORRIBLY thin.

Colin apologizes and says he and his brother are looking for the fairy hill. The girl keeps freaking out, telling her brother Hankel the twins are nuts. Colin begs the girl to stop screaming while Quint laughs at her brother’s name. Oh and it turns out the girl’s name is Gretzel.

Hankel and Gretzel.

Colin realizes they’re like Hansel and Gretel but this pair has no idea what they’re talking about. Hankel gets offended by Quint’s amusement at their names and a fight breaks out, which is then won by the blonde kids. The twins apologize saying they’re trying to figure out where they are. Hankel and Gretzel explain they’re not sure either. Apparently their evil stepmom dragged them into the woods to look for kindling and then abandoned them. They spent hours searching for their way home before it got dark out and they decided to rest.

The twins pair up with Hankel and Gretzel when they shortly come across a…

Take a guess, is it:

  • A. A giant peach
  • B. A chocolate factory
  • C. An emerald city

Well if you answered any of the above you’re an idiot because it’s a gingerbread house. Hankel and Gretzel are so famished they immediately start ripping off pieces of the house to nosh on. Hell, one of them breaks a fucking window and starts sucking on the panes. Colin and Quint vainly try to talk the duo away from the house, then figure “Screw it” before the inevitable witch shows up.

And then the witch showed up.

This witch is the meanest, oldest, ugliest looking person the twins have ever seen. Sucks to be Colin and Quint, because she’s far more interested in the twins than Hankel and Gretzel. Since the twins have more weight on them than the blonde siblings, she won’t have to spend as much time prepping them for dinner. Hankel and Gretzel ignore all this and the witch doesn’t seem to care they’re devouring her house.

Inside, the witch’s cottage is a complete disaster but is equipped with a huge kitchen. The witch slaps a pair of cuffs made from snakes around the twins’ wrists, explaining they’ll get tighter the more they struggle. Upon weighing the twins, she decides to eat Quint first since he weights 1.5 pounds more than Colin. Colin will be her aid and then her second course, removing his cuffs to assist the prepping.

Quint’s put in a cage while Colin is forced to help knead dough for dinner rolls. Once he’s done, the witch forces him into the cage and serves them some disgusting brown glop. It’s supposedly high in protein to put on a few extra pounds, but the twins refuse to eat it on account of it’s got rat tails and cat fur in it.

Annoyed by their pickiness, the witch decides to eat Quint now and tells Colin to check on the bread in the oven. Colin is a bit distracted by the disgusting, homemade “Cheese” the witch is slicing but knows how this will go. Seeing his opening, Colin stalls the witch by saying he can’t tell if the bread is done baking. Exasperated by Colin’s excuses and seeming stupidity, the witch heads over to the oven to check for herself and oh dear, did Colin trip and knock the witch into the oven? You know how clumsy kids can be.

Escaping from the gingerbread house, the twins don’t see Hankel and Gretzel anywhere and decide good riddance. Venturing back into the woods in their search for the fairy hill, the twins try to figure out where to go when they realize someone’s following them. Hoping the witch isn’t flame retardant, the twins are pleasantly surprised to find it’s a young teenage girl. Dressed in a blue sweatshirt and carrying a duffel bag, the girl is disappointed she got caught. Blue, as the girl is called, explains she’s on her way to her grandfather’s house in the forest. She’s made the trip numerous times and it’s pretty boring, so Blue likes to find ways to spice it up. Blue mentions she was only wondering who the twins were since she rarely sees anyone else on this path.

Colin and Quint are happy to hear Blue does know the hill they’re looking for and it’s near her grandfather’s place. She invites them to join her and the four of them can have breakfast together. Blue is a definite improvement over Hankel and Gretzel.

Reaching grandfather’s house, Blue explains she brings him food when he’s not feeling well. Inside the nicely furnished house, Blue takes out the fixings for breakfast and asks Colin to make some iced tea and Quint to grab a chair for her while she checks on her grandfather. As Colin mixes the tea, he overhears Blue exclaiming what big EYES her grandfather has. And what big EARS he has too. Colin drops the pitcher as he realizes what’s happening, asking at the WORST possible moment what Blue’s full name is.

Why, it’s Little Blue Riding Hood of course.

Accept no substitutes
Little Blue Riding Hood by Deborah Balboa – I simply HAD to get a commission of Blue for this, and once I saw Debbie’s artwork I knew she’d be perfect for Blue

Colin tries to save Quint and Blue just as she declares what big TEETH her “Grandfather” has, but slips on the puddle of iced tea. He stumbles into the bedroom, just in time to see the wolf let out a satisfied belch. When the wolf sees Colin, he figures he’ll have dessert too!

Colin flees out of the house but the wolf is right behind him and attacks. Pinning Colin to the forest floor, the wolf wonders if Colin tastes as good as Quint when they hear a gun shot. Scared, the wolf runs away before he can eat Colin and now Colin is left trying to remember how “Little Red Riding Hood” ended. He is NOT looking forward to cutting open the wolf to get Quint and Blue back, but he has to do SOMETHING. Colin’s momentarily distracted from his feelings of helplessness when someone orders him not to move. Turning around, Colin finds himself staring down a big hunting rifle.

Colin looks up to see a big, burly looking guy “Built like an ox” holding the gun. The guy mutters something about a kid’s heart being good enough and Colin begs for mercy. The hunter tells the kid to calm down, explaining he has to bring a human heart to the evil Queen Maggie. See, he was ordered to take Maggie’s stepdaughter Snow Black (OH MY GOD), kill her, and bring back her heart. Colin finishes the story, explaining he couldn’t kill Snow Black because she was so beautiful and now he needs a replacement heart.

The hunter is so impressed by Colin’s intellect he decides he can’t hurt him. He figures a smart kid’s got his whole future ahead of him, and wishes he’d gone to law school instead of becoming a woodsman. Introducing himself as Big Ed, the hunter apologizes and Colin’s relieved he’s met another nice Reject. However, there’s still the matter of the wolf.

Colin proposes Big Ed can bring Queen Maggie the wolf’s heart, and in the process they’ll rescue Quint, Blue, and Blue’s grandfather. Big Ed says they can’t cut open the wolf because they might cut Quint or the others, but has another idea. They simply have to make the wolf throw up.

I am gonna assume a number of kids realized they had a vore fetish from reading this book.

Anyway, Big Ed proposes they make the wolf ingest some foul concoction that’ll make him puke up his dinner. Big Ed takes charge from here, describing hunting like detective work. You just have to go back to the scene of the crime. It turns out the wolf retreated back to the cabin and is lazing about in the living room. Big Ed grabs a heavy shovel and tells Colin to get the wolf’s attention.

Nervously, Colin starts shouting from outside the front door to get the wolf to face him. Once the wolf emerges from the house, Big Ed beans him with the shovel. The two drag the unconscious wolf to a nearby trapping pit Big Ed uses and tosses the wolf inside just as he wakes up. The wolf begins snarling and ordering the two to let him free, but Big Ed only agrees if the wolf promises to drink something. Big Ed reasons the wolf’s such a glutton he probably doesn’t bother to chew his food, and they only want to free Quint, Blue, and her granddad. The wolf’s insulted by the “Glutton” crack but agrees as long as he’s set free afterwards.

Colin rushes to the cabin in order to find enough foul, nasty stuff to make a brew that’s sure to make the wolf hurl. He uses a little bit of everything, bugs, castor oil, shampoo, sour milk, dirt, anything disgusting or inedible. Big Ed takes one whiff of the stuff and figures that’ll definitely do the trick.

The wolf doesn’t try any funny stuff as he’s let out of the trap pit to drink Colin’s vomit brew. He drinks it all down and… nothing. Laughing, the wolf declares he’s got an iron stomach. Why, the other week he was the one person who could eat Bertha Bear’s chil-

*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUURK*

Oh hey Quint, Blue, Blue’s grandpa have you met the wolf? Blue’s grandpa is more confused out of everyone wondering what just happened as the wolf is let go. Big Ed figures he made a promise to the wolf, so he can’t cut out his heart either. Maybe he’ll get a pig heart from the local butcher. Blue’s grandpa freaks and thinks Big Ed’s a serial killer or something with this talk of human hearts, but Blue is just happy everyone’s okay. Blue leads her grandpa back to his cabin, and the five of them have lunch and fill in grandpa on what happened.

Although how any of them would want to eat after what just happened…

Anyway, when lunch is over, Blue draws the twins a map and Big Ed gives them some tips about the forest. Leaving the cabin, the boys come across a very narrow bridge crossing a small brook. However, they’re stopped by a small, bearded old man who declares THEY SHALL NOT PASS.

The old guy declares the bridge spans a burning brook. The boys look at the water and it doesn’t SEEM to be burning. The old guy does a demonstration and tosses his walking stick into the water. The twins watch in horror as the water churns and burns the stick to nothing. To further prove his point, the old man points to the nearby shore littered with actual bones. In order to cross, the boys must guess the old man’s name. They have three attempts, and if they fail they’ll go into the water.

Colin and Quint have a feeling they might know where this is going, so Quint guesses Rumpelstiltskin. The old man panics and asks Quint to repeat himself. Before he does, Colin wisely declares Quint repeating his answer does NOT count as a second guess, right? The old man begrudgingly agrees. But once he hears Rumpelstiltskin, the old man laughs! That’s not his name.

Boy was he worried. He thought they said “Stiltskin’s Rump!”

The twins decide to screw with the guy a little and guess “Clark Kent” on the second try before answering “Stiltskin’s Rump.” The old guy loses it and demands to know who told them. Colin laughs and promises they won’t tell anyone, but he pats the guy a little too hard on the back and… ew. Quint tries to get his brother not to worry about committing first degree murder while in middle school.

Over the bridge, the boys aren’t sure which path to take on Blue’s map and decide to wing it. Their choice turns out to be a poor one and they end up knee dip in a foul smelling bog of some kind. It looks like quicksand! No matter how hard the boys struggle, they can’t get out and are covered in mud and filth. They start crying for help but no one answers, until they finally hear a rumbling sound. It sounds like… motorcycles?

The boys find themselves blinded by headlights. In fact, a set of SEVEN headlights.

In front of them stood seven small motorcycles. Seated upon them were seven leather-clad, tough-looking, very small men.

Thick heavy chains hung from their waists, necks, and shoulders. Most of the men were bearded. Earrings dangled from their ears. Tattoos covered their tiny, muscular forearms.

Colin opened his mouth wide. A midget motorcycle gang? In the woods?

The men sat on their bikes and stared at the boys, revving their engines.

The headlights illuminated the skull and crossbones emblazoned on each man’s jacket. Above the skull and crossbones, written in silver studs, were the words “The Seven Dwarfs.”

Faerie Tale Chapter 21 Pages 91-92

OH MY GOD.

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

THE SEVEN DWARFS ARE A GODDAMN BIKER GANG THAT IS THE GREATEST THING EVER.

The Dwarfs don’t say anything until Colin asks again for help. One Dwarf, the leader apparently, orders the rest to turn off their engines. Quint tries to explain they got lost and stuck in this quicksand, but the Dwarfs have some bad news for them. That isn’t exactly quicksand the twins are stuck so. See, this is kind of where the public outhouse used to be before it got torn down the other day.

Which means the boys are stuck in-

ANYWAY, the Dwarfs are happy to help since they rescued Snow Black the other day. One Dwarf ask if the boys are also victims of Queen Maggie, so the twins briefly recap their faerie troubles. The Dwarfs decide the kids can stay the night at their place and wash up in exchange for doing a couple of simple chores in the morning. Colin’s more than happy to agree to that and the Dwarfs say they’ll be right back.

Hopping on their motorcycles, the Dwarfs drive off and the twins fear they’ve been ditched. Thankfully, the gang of biker Dwarfs return with rope to pull the boys out. Colin makes sure Quint doesn’t make any rude remarks about how long their rescuers took. Unfortunately, the rope gets too greasy and slimy from all the shit-

Dear God and it’s actual shit I’m using the literal meaning of the word-

And the twins can’t hold on. A rather dapper looking Dwarf wearing a paisley ascot comes up with a different solution. He has the other Dwarfs link together their individual chains and tosses them to the twins, advising them to put the chains under their arms. Attaching the other end to his bike, the dapper Dwarf drives his motorcycle and pulls the twins out of the muck. They’re free!

Unbeknownst to Colin and Quint, the faeries were watching them from far away.

Colin and Quint are driven to the stone house belonging to the Dwarfs, and they’re amazed by all the metal sculptures in their yard. Turns out they run a bike repair shop AND make art. The dapper Dwarf brings the twins to a pond behind the house where the boys can wash up with soap and shampoo.

Once the boys are able to scrub that gunk off and get into clean clothes, they’re treated to a veritable feast and learn the names of the Dwarfs.

  • MOTLEY: The tattooed leader.
  • WIMPY: The one with the bandannas.
  • STUD: The one with the nose ring.
  • DAPPER: The elegant one.
  • CURLY: The skinhead.
  • PIGS: The ponytailed one.
  • PEE WEE: The one with the red beard.

After dinner is finished, Stud proposes they build a campfire. The group sings and makes S’mores and for once Colin and Quint are able to relax after such a horrendous couple of days.

Sadly, Colin’s good mood is ruined by a nightmare where he and Quint are supposedly back home only to find their parents have become faeries.

Colin wakes up the next morning in the Dwarf house with Quint in a small bed next to him. Their clothes from yesterday are pristine and the Dwarfs greet them with a cheery “Good morning.”

Before anyone can have breakfast, the sound of engines can be heard. Checking the window, the Dwarfs are outraged to see their rival gang, the Brownies, have shown up again. The twins remember reading about brownies at the library. As the Brownies’ motorcycles reach the front yard, Wimpy asks the twins an important question.

“You boys ever fight in a gang war?”

Faerie Tale Chapter 24 Page 106

Well Wimpy if they attend public school…

Quint is all ready for a fight, but Colin’s a bit hesitant. Though the Brownies are smaller than the Dwarfs, there are more of them. Quint eagerly asks what they’ll use to fight, if it’s weapons or hand-to-hand combat. Motley is confused and aghast when Colin asks if they use guns, explaining it’s always a battle of wits.

So basically it’s an insult contest.

Quint’s disappointed they aren’t gonna beat each other up but Colin’s relieved. Once the battle begins, it’s established pretty quickly the Brownies suck at insults. Some of their remarks are so bad, not even the rest of the Brownies will back them up. Seeing how this goes, Colin steps in with an insult.

“How many brownies does it take to change a light bulb?” Colin asked.

“How many?” The dwarfs chorused.

“One to hold the bulb and ten more to spin the house!”

 


Faerie Tale Chapter 26 Page 110

The Brownies are speechless, and even Quint gets in a crack about how their asses should be classified as assault weapons.

The rival Brownies drive off in bitter defeat, and the Dwarfs are thankful for the help the twins gave them. After breakfast, Motley tells the twins they don’t need to do any chores since they helped with the Brownies. They give the kids directions they need and the boys finally reach the fairy hill. It’s so green and orderly and beautiful. They reach a small golden gate and are greeted by a small fairy. The fairy says she has to shrink the boys if they want to make their peace with the queen. Realizing they don’t have a choice, the boys agree.

The boys are brought into a throne room filled with beautiful, delicate fairies not at all like the ones who attacked them. Two fairies herald in the Faerie Queen, and Colin’s in for a shock. It’s the Tooth Fairy! From when he was a kid! The Faerie Queen explains she got a promotion a few years ago, and apologizes for the creeps who manhandled them. Apparently the tooth department’s now run by boggarts.

Anyway, the twins ask to finally make peace or whatever so they can go back to their lives. The Faerie Queen explains they can only make peace by staying here, because this is their home since they’re both CHANGELINGS. The Queen reveals two effigies made from the stolen hair and teeth the tooth bogarts snatched, saying now was the time for the boys to be brought back to their real homes. Apparently this is why the Tooth Fairy was always so fond of Colin when he was younger.

The Faerie Queen says the boys can spend all their time working on new fairy tales, and if they don’t get them right that’s why they have Reject Ridge. The boys reject all this, refusing to believe they’re actually faeries and the McKays aren’t their parents. Colin and Quint escape the throne room as the faeries try to stop them. After leaving the hill, the boys grow back to their real size.

Luckily, the boys run into Big Ed again and he gives them a ride on his horse. The trip back to the entrance of the woods brings them by the Dwarf house and the cabin with Blue’s grandfather and the gingerbread house. They reach the edge of the woods behind the elementary school no problem and race for home. On the front steps the boys see the newspaper and notice the date. Somehow, they were only gone for one night in their world!

The boys are super happy to see their parents and offer to make them breakfast, grateful to be back in their old lives…

Until the next morning, when the boys wake up to pains in their backs. They’re growing wings! And they’ve shrunk! Over by the window, the Faerie Queen appears and says she gave them one last day with the McKays but now it’s time to go home.

Final Thoughts

Yikes, that ending.

But still, this book was such a hilarious joy I simply can’t believe how much fun I had reading it. My one complaint is we didn’t get to meet Snow Black.

Wing what do you think, was this an improvement over “Grandpa’s Monster Movies” or what?

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