Recap #137: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter by

13 March 2018

Friday the 13th The Final ChapterTitle: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) (aka Part IV)

Summary: After being mortally wounded and taken to the morgue, murderer Jason Voorhees spontaneously revives and embarks on a killing spree as he makes his way back to his home at Camp Crystal Lake.

Tagline: Jason’s Back, and this is the one you’ve been screaming for.

Note: The more I look at this poster, the more I remember it from childhood. It makes sense, because along side Nightmare on Elm Street, this was one of the major horror franchises that did huge home viewing business in the 1980s when I was still of an impressionable age. It’s weird how I didn’t recall that until I went looking for the poster for this recap, but it’s true. Independent video rental stores were everything when I was little and they always had posters displayed of new and/or popular titles. I will stop now before I start a “kids these days…” style rant about digital downloads and Redbox. [Wing: In contrast, I don’t remember this poster at all. How in the world did I miss it? We rented movies often.]

Initial Thoughts

If only I could quit you, Jason Voorhees. But no, I committed myself to this goddamn series and I’m going to see it through! [Wing: And we appreciate it greatly!]

Hello and welcome again to the fourth round of Let’s Do It! Yeah, I know, we’re only part way into the deep, twisty franchise that is Friday the 13th, and you’re all wondering how I can possibly not know what goes on in all the films by now, being that this is 2018 and we have The Internet™ to tell us everything.

Willpower, my friends. That and total lack of interest. I’d rather not know, because that’s half the fun. And I’m supposed to be a virgin (duh) when I watch these. I’m actually actively going out of my way to avoid spoilers at this point. It’s really hilarious. I read something last Halloween and instantly was like “NO NO STOP” and had to close the tab because it gave a big plot point away.

Because it’s been 34 years since this was released and I’m expected (at my age) to have seen this by now. Whatever. What about all the teens that weren’t born in the last century, huh? You just fill Wikipedia with spoilers for them so they never have to sit down and suffer through it like I did back in the Dark Ages??

Ahem. Moving on.

Let’s glean what we can without getting into the plot. This installment was released in theaters on April the 13th, 1984. Ooo, bummer, I’m a month early! Roger Ebert hated it. Good to know.

The more I read, the more I have to stop, because spoilers everywhere. Guess I’ll just come back to that stuff in the Final Thoughts part. Damn it.

Oh, and this is pointedly meant for me: Corey Feldman (who I knew was in one of these films but not which one) and Crispin Glover (who I didn’t know was in this film or that he was in this franchise what so ever) both went on to act in films with Kiefer Sutherland in 1986. (Stand By Me and At Close Range, respectively.) I’ve never seen At Close Range but I know the two-bit part that wasn’t really a part was the reason Schumacher called Kiefer in to read for The Lost Boys.

AND THAT’S HOW YOU PLAY SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON!!

Wait, where am I? Oh, right, Camp Crystal Lake! Here we go. Again. For the fourth time.

(Save me, Kevin Bacon! Save me!)

Important note! Remember, I am rolling over the body count from each of the previous films recapped, so that will be reflected in the counter and final tally.

Recap

Oh, the classic Paramount Pictures logo. I miss you.

White text on black fades to a full moon shrouded in dark clouds. Oh shit, they’re already reusing footage from Part II? Really? That far back? THIS BODES WELL! [Wing: Delightful.]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+1)

Feeling awesome for being able to identify which installment it was without having to Google it (yay me!) I still have to check notes for names and shit. Paul! Oh, Paul, you idiot. This is the scene where he tells the tragic story of Jason to the new counselors, while they sit around the campfire.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+2)

We’re treated to footage of a truck driver and fan favorite Ralph (I MISS YOU) shouting warnings about Camp Crystal Lake.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+3)

Well, that’s already getting old. Something tells me this installment is going to suck in an epic way.

Man, the reused footage even goes way back to the original film, showing Alice in the canoe when JASON SCARED THE EVER LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME AT THE VERY END ugh I HATE that part. [Wing: I love that part, and even more after your viewing.]

Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 1 (+1)

A montage of footage from the first three films follows, so we can relive all these graphic deaths and get caught up on Jason’s carnage, I guess. Yawn. I mean this goes for 2 minutes and 51 seconds, until Jason is killed.

Which at this point I will remind readers where we left off with our maximum body count!

Crystal Lake Body Count: (+31.5)

Yes, that includes Jason.

The credits finally start with a zoom in on a damaged hockey mask, the bloodied ax imprint visible, as the title fades in over top of it. From behind THE FINAL CHAPTER rockets in and blows up the mask in a huge, fiery explosion! Hoo boy, they seriously wanted to bury this franchise in 1984!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+4)

Credits roll, white text on black, while intense music plays. I’m not sure the score is as intense or memorable as, say, JAWS, but that one sound effect / noise? NOW I GET TENSE HEARING IT.

It’s never a good sign when you waste the first 3 minutes of your film using old footage, and the credits for another minute and a half. That’s almost FIVE WHOLE MINUTES WASTED.

Or five minutes closer to this damn thing being over.

Now the screen is filled with a blinding spotlight, the noise of a helicopter hovering. It seems to be searching for something. I know, what an astute statement. A cop directs an ambulance on the grounds and yes, they’re recovering the bodies of Jason’s last round of victims. Emergency personnel and law officials crawl all over the grounds, finally taking Jason’s ax into evidence (WHY ARE YOU HANDLING THE WOODEN HANDLE WITHOUT GLOVES OH MY GOD) and the camera pans down to show Jason’s lifeless body still in the barn, being covered by a sheet.

Another ambulance rolls onto the grounds (I’m laughing at how comical they used to look compared to the ones in 2018) and an officer informs the EMS crew that everyone is dead (duh) and one of the EMS guys complains “some emergency.”

In the background, you can see a super old ambulance, like the one ECTO-1 from Ghostbusters was based on! Neat.

One of the EMS guys, tightening a strap around Jason’s legs as they load him on the board, asks a cop if this is the dude who was killing everyone. The reply is 7 kids and 3 bikers (10 total) but I’m pretty sure they’re leaving out all the rest and that’s a LOT.

The lone female EMS, an African-American woman, looks nervous as her partner directs her to “belt him”. As she moves to secure the body, Jason’s hand slides out from under the sheet and holy crap those aren’t nails, they’re ruddy yellow claws! Nasty.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+5)

Starting, she steps back in fright and gets admonished by her partner, who secures the arm. Apparently this took a while, because it’s now dark outside and you can hear the helicopter flying around the crime scene.

It’s hard to understand but someone is apparently directing all the emergency personneld to leave all together? Because suddenly there’s a line of ambulances and cop cars driving single file from the property, up the muddy road. The shot lingers for a stupid long time on the dark grounds. Why? I have no idea.

A pair of swinging doors burst inwards towards the viewer as Jason’s corpse is wheeled into the hospital by the ambulance crew. (Somehow I feel like one or both aren’t going to make it out of this alive; guess we’ll find out!) We get a view of goings-on in the hospital; a woman comforting someone in a side room, nurses, doctors, etc. Eventually we end up in the morgue.

Now I will complain about the stupid and ridiculous trope involving coroners eating while on the job. Is it meant to squick people out? Is it meant to peg the coroner as “odd” or something because they can eat while a dead body is present? (Not that I think eating in the autopsy room would even be allowed, c’mon.) The only time I wanna see this is on iZombie, okay? That’s the only place it remotely makes sense.

Stuffing his face with a sandwich, the coroner signs for Jason’s body. He literally puts the half-eaten sandwich on top of the sheet-covered corpse so he can take a pen from his lab coat pocket. This is just pissing me off.

There is small talk made about all the bodies being brought in. The male paramedic makes a comment about the other body, a girl, and how she’s not cute now that she’s dead. The coroner makes a crack: “she still is.” and winks at the female paramedic.

Okay, asshole coroner can die, please and thank you. Don’t disappoint me, Jason.

The small talk descends into, let’s call it like it is because it’s basically necrophilia jokes, before the male paramedic tells the coroner to knock it off. They take the top copy of the paperwork and leave.

Axel, the asshole coroner, turns up behind a nurse who’s doing her job. He says something about being free and she says something about a headache. He says he can “fix” that.

Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 1 (+1)

Oh, joy.

The nurse actually smiles when he tells her to meet him in the cold room. Oh, honey. She apparently isn’t really into him (?) because I guess she’s trying to put him off but it’s all done in the background, as the music cue gets dark and scary and the camera slowly zooms in on Jason’s sheet-covered body.

Then Axel opens his mouth again: “you got the curse?”

Punished For Basic Biology: 1 (+1)
Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 1 (+2)

Axel’s death can’t happen fast enough at this point.

“If I do, you’re it.” The nurse quips with a big smile. Okay, I like her!

We smash cut to some weird video on a TV monitor, of a woman jumping around in a full swimsuit, the room dark except for that and the desk lamp. Nurse shows up, calling quietly for Axel. Oh, honey, I guess you didn’t learn. She laments what she sees on the TV. She moves to turn the TV off but Axel grabs her from behind.

He eventually sits down, patting the bench for the nurse to join him, and I swear I saw Jason move under the sheet. The news gets turned on but Axel switches it back and tries to make a move, prompting the nurse to admonish him that she only came to watch the newscast.

There we go, they start to make out in the dark coroner’s department, next to Jason’s corpse. Axel even takes time to change the television back to his faux workout porn. (Ow, my head.) Nurse unzips the top half of her uniform, while Axel gets comfy on the gurney. Because, really.

Cheer On the Killer: 1 (+1)

A pre-emptive cheering, because GET OFF YOUR ASS AND KILL THESE TWO ALREADY, JASON. I don’t want to watch this!

A tight shot on the nurse’s bare thighs when suddenly Jason’s (cold? dead?) hand falls between them. It sends her flying and screaming. She’s off Axel and he’s off the gurney, swearing his head off in uninventive ways. Nurse tells him he should have put Jason in the icebox. (Um… okay.) She screams at him and herself, saying she must be nuts (well, more like poor self-esteem to hook up with that fucking loser, honey) before she zips up her uniform and storms out. Axel tries to stop her but she makes a comment that she’s “going crazy” and stomps off.

We follow her to what appears to be a storage room with supplies and chemicals, and a periodic table (??) and it’s nice to see the staff ACTUALLY DOING THEIR JOBS. Reaching for a bottle, it falls and shatters, upsetting the nurse more.

Axel slides Jason’s body into one of the refrigerated compartments but the door doesn’t latch tight and swings back open. Uh huh. Subtle, filmmakers. And of course Axel is too fucking lazy to notice and/or care. Don’t go to this hospital. You’ll probably end up dead.

He returns to his soft-core workout porn, stirring his coffee with a tongue depressor (way to waste supplies, Axel) and OUT OF NO WHERE JASON GRABS HIM BY THE HEAD AND TAKES A FUCKING BONESAW TO HIS THROAT YAY!

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+32.5)

For good measure, Jason also twists Axel’s severed head around. It’s good to see someone being thorough in their work!

Back in the storage room, the lights go out and the nurse thinks it’s Axel playing tricks but too late, Jason has her by the throat. Somehow he’s still wearing his hockey mask (god damn, Axel sucked at his job! And why didn’t the police collect it as evidence?!) and he lifts her high off the floor. I’d like to point out his hand has really long, black nails and his skin is filthy.

Anyway, Jason stabs her in the diaphragm (mid-torso?) but there’s no blood. I guess they wasted all of that on Axel?

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+33.5)

So long, nameless nurse and incompetent Axel! Because we’re SMASH CUTTING to a pair of blondes jogging in the woods!

From the conversation, I can infer they’re probably mother and daughter, the parents are divorced(?), and the shitty “watcher in the woods” crap is back in full effect. Someone is watching them faux-jog from high atop the hill. Another SMASH CUT to a very 1980s video game on a television monitor.

Oh, hello, little Corey Feldman! In some weird alien mask!

Tommy’s mom wants him to stop playing video games. We learn that blonde mom is his mother, and Trish (younger blonde) is his sister. I guess they live in an opulent cabin in the woods. It has a fucking dishwasher.

This movie wants me to believe that Tommy made that mask? No dice. No way. No how.

There’s a mention of a Gordon but no actual explanation of who that is. Mystery guest! Trish and Tommy are total siblings. Explains the look of exasperation she made when her mother volunteered her to drive Tommy into town for some part and a haircut.

The front door was left open: “What if a psycho wanders in?” Mom asks aloud.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+6)

OH HONEY YOU JUST JINXED YOURSELF AND THE WHOLE FAMILY.

I should point out, the mother noted that the “place next door” has been rented by six young people. (Why she knows there’s exactly six is anybody’s guess.) And here they are, driving in what looks like Mrs Brady’s station wagon, having a sing-a-long.

There’s four dudes and two women. Can I assume most if not all will die shortly?

Obligatory “Cool Dude” wearing sunglasses is chastising a slightly cute looking other dude in the very back of the station wagon for breaking up with, and I quote, “BJ Betty”. Uhhhhhhggggggg. Other dude kind of reminds me of Major Lilywhite from iZombie.

Oh god I just realized slightly cute dude is a very young Crispin Glover. Crap.

Too Cool For School: 1 (+1)

That’s for Shades, because he’s totally wearing a denim vest and has a “cool 80s” haircut. Anyway, Crispin Glover’s character is mad he’s being picked on by Shades, and also trying to defend Betty (yay?) but Shades is still giving him a hard time about not treating her “right”. Which I can say is Shades basically inferring that sex didn’t happen or it went “poorly” in the performance department. Whatever.

Crispin Glover feels he did, so really, I think these guys are on different pages.

“What the fuck happened?” YES I WANT ANSWERS, TOO.

Shades does some stupid shtick involving an invisible computer (??) and the verdict is: “You’re a dead fuck.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.

Oh, it means everything I inferred was correct. Gold star for me. Though how does Shades know this? And why is this even remotely relevant to this fucking movie, huh? Can anybody tell me that?

“I’m horny,” laments Crispin Glover.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+7)

HORNY PEOPLE IN THESE MOVIES DIE.

The sun is setting and the station wagon comes to a stop beside an overgrown (and not remotely fake looking) old cemetery. IS THAT ROB FUCKING LOW RIDING SHOTGUN?! No, not it’s not but damn what a doppelganger.

Fake Rob Lowe agrees they really are lost, probably because he can’t read a map and this is pre GPS. One of the women looks out the window and sees a CONVENIENTLY PLACED HEADSTONE that reads “Pamela Voorhees 1930-1979 AT REST”. [Wing: Lies, all lies.]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+8)

Are the filmmakers even trying?

Faux Rob Lowe figures out the map, gives new directions, and the gang is back on the road, while the camera zooms in on Mrs Voorhees’ headstone. Not subtle at all.

Coming around a corner, the station wagon happens upon a woman trying to hitchhike to Canada (??) and Sam wants to pick her up. They drive past, and I’m going to guess that Shades yells something about the hitchhiker having a sister, to which she flips over the sign to reveal the “fuck you” painted on the back. Okay.

If you’re going to hitchhike (dear readers, DO NOT HITCHHIKE) wouldn’t it make sense to, y’know, go where MORE TRAFFIC IS? Instead of sitting in the middle of the fucking woods on a two lane, unmarked road? Where one car may drive by, say, every two hours? Why do people fail to think critically and logically???

Hitchhiker finds a conveniently placed banana in plain sight on top of her pile of belongings and peels it, eating some before there’s a pointed snap of a branch. Too late, she turns to look and Jason is there. He stabs a knife through a VERY OBVIOUS DUMMY of the hitchhiker, whose fist squeezes the banana so hard it oozes out the peel.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+34.5)

Man, these deaths are nowhere near inventive or interesting. They’re just violent. Like I really needed to see chewed banana and blood oozing out of her open mouth? Gross. [Wing: But the important question is whether we should count the banana’s death here, too.]

Back at the opulent cabin, Tommy is carrying dinner plates to the table while Mom works on food prep. Trish is mad they’re not having pizza, and Mom says it’s because there’s a fridge full of leftovers. Waste not, want not.

For some reason, Mom and Trish trap Tommy between them and squeeze. What the fuck?

Oh, look, the six soon-to-die young adults have reached their destination! And it’s dark out! Yay! I guess the way the cabins are situated, Tommy can hear their arrival and tries to break free from the weirdness.

Opening the door, Tommy is greeted by a giant Golden Retriever. OH SO THAT’S GORDON. Oh great, THEY PUT ANOTHER DOG IN THE SERIES. #RIPMuffins

Really, it wasn’t a red herring; Tommy can hear the young adults (and possibly see them) from the opulent cabin’s front door. He watches, after interrogating Gordon as to his prior whereabouts, as the young adults get out of the station wagon.

That is a suspiciously nice looking house and not remotely a cabin, what they’ve rented for the weekend. It’s got like… I dunno, pseudo-gingerbread-esque details and it’s painted fucking periwinkle and white. Oh, and let’s not forget the aggressive COORS BEER product placement.

Crispin Glover, er, I mean JIMMY, has decided a guy can have a good time without girls. Shades disagrees. Jimmy wants Shades to stop calling him “dead fuck”.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+9)

You know it, I know it, it’s going to come back to haunt him.

The pacing and plot of this entry into the series feels… off. We’ve gone from footage of the first three films, to the crime scene cleanup post #3, to a hospital morgue (and some weird near-sex) to a seemingly nice (and innocent) family who live in the woods to a bunch of sex-obsessed young adults renting the house across the way. Oh, and Jason “magically” not being dead and killing three people, one of which was a random hitchhiker that seems to been put in the film for zero reason.

I dunno. The other three films at least had a slim plot line to cling to. This just feels like a non-try mishmash. (I’ve read bits and pieces as to why but had to stop because spoilers, so I know I’m not imagining it.)

Anyway. Mom observes out the window that Gordon is over making new friends (who will feed him junk food, surely) and oh, look, Trish and Tommy have gone over, too. Wow, this is just tacked on for zero reason, isn’t it.

Suddenly, we SMASH CUT to the bathroom, where the two young women are readying for bed (?) and one is shocked/impressed that the other “does it” with “everybody”. So basically she’s implying the other is loose? There is protest, then admission that she only does it with “Paul”.

The accused tells Sara that guys lie about sex all the time and that even though Sara doesn’t supposedly have a “reputation”, the other girl was saddled with hers in the sixth grade. But Paul doesn’t care!

For a minute, Sara is worried she’ll be forced to share a bed with a man, but ha ha, that room has bunk beds!

Over at the opulent home, Mom and Trish are reading on the couch. Trish calls it a night, but not before Mom reminds her they’re due to run around the lake, once, at 6am. We move on to Tommy, who was “sleeping” (faker) but has discovered that his window looks right into the house opposite, where he can see Reputation Girl undressing. Of course, he is most gleeful at this opportunity.

Peeping Tomfoolery: 1 (+1)

Wow, this is insanely inappropriate. Especially when the aforementioned Paul walks in and her top disappears and Tommy is getting an eyeful. Really, he keeps bouncing on the bed and smashing his face into the pillow and I kept expecting him to howl like that horny cartoon wolf.

(Really, I wonder what motivation they gave Corey Feldman to act out this scene, because surely he wasn’t allowed to actually see what was actually going on, right?)

The doorknob turns and Tommy is nearly busted when Mom comes in to tuck him under the covers. Even though he’s feigning sleep, Mom looks right through the window and sees sexy times happening, so she pulls the shade. Game over!

Of course, a SMASH CUT follows, with the camera focused tight on a pair of womens’ backsides. I swear to god.

Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 1 (+3)

Oh, so we finally learn that Shades = Ted, and he’s too busy listening to a Walkman to hear the weepy sorrows of Jimmy’s “problems”. Jimmy wants to call Betty but, even after asking him not to, Ted calls Jimmy “dead fuck” quite loudly, drawing the attention of Sara and the other woman.

Ted gives Jimmy shitty advice and tells him to make a fool of himself with someone new, because “sex is a great way to meet someone new”. Seriously. Actually, we have an app for that now, it’s called Tinder.

Oh, here’s something new: twins!

They nearly crash their bikes into the group, greeting the young adults. Not Rob Lowe’s shorts are way fucking distracting, especially with his hands in the pockets. Ted immediately moves in on the twins. The twins inform the group that they’re headed in the same direction and the destination is pretty far. Ted is a macho asshole about it.

Sara decides to turn back for the car. Fake Rob Lowe offers to join her but she turns him down. Oh, so he’s the bunk bed buddy.

The seven head off down the embankment, Ted already plotting to split the twins between him and Jimmy, or keep both for himself, and Faux Rob Lowe keeps looking back quietly forlornly in the direction Sara has headed. My god, someone burn those inappropriate shorts and get him some pants!

Oh great, a return to the “killer’s POV”. Sara is walking pretty slowly back along the trail, and for some reason it’s pretty damn dark among the blackberry vines and other flora. She startles and screams when she backs into a fallen branch but, nope, she lives to see another scene.

Ah, the seven have reached the lake’s edge and one of the twins is swinging out on a rope to jump into the water. She entreats Ted and Jimmy to join, but Jimmy says they haven’t swim trunks. I guess Paul tells them to skinny dip. Um, please, spare me!

Reputation Girl immediately takes off her totally 80s overstretched sweatshirt and flashes her bare boobs right at the camera. The twins share a look and dive under the water, removing their bikinis, just as Rep Girl pulls off her jean shorts.

OH GREAT THIS IS JUST A GIANT BEACON TO JASON: COME KILL US, WE’RE NAKED WHORES!

Well, three naked women is apparently enough motivation for Ted, who’s frantically trying to take his clothes off. Jimmy remains nonplussed, and has his hands jammed under his armpits, arms crossed, which is a total Glover move in most of his films.

We cut to Mom and Tommy rolling up in a car next to the station wagon. Gordon jumps out the open window and takes off, Tommy failing to stop him. Then we smash cut back to the seven at the lake, only I guess full frontal male nudity is a line in the sand, because we only see the dude’s bare ass, as he runs down to jump in the water.

So that’s six naked young people in the lake, Jimmy dressed and on the shore. I wonder what could possibly go wrong…

Oh never mind, Jimmy caves to peer pressure, albeit slowly. What’s this? Tommy is picking his way down the slope and it’s obvious what he’s going to come upon. Sure enough, he sees plenty but Trish makes him turn around before he sees more.

She and Tommy leave, having collected Gordon, though the others do their best to get Trish to join them. A last minute invite to their party later that night and we’re back in the car. Which has a problem. Trish lets her younger brother pop the hood and inspect, because apparently he’s way more mechanically inclined. He searches the trunk for a screwdriver, but Trish is getting agitated by being in the woods on a lonely road. Hm.

Back to the naked lake party. Rep Girl swims to the short wooden dock, where Sara is laying, fully clothed, in the sun. She repeats a refusal to join, so Rep Girl attempts to bully her into participation by going under the water and staying there until Sara joins.

Sara ignores her at first, putting on lotion, but when the bubbles stop and the water stills, she begins to panic, screaming for Sam, formerly known as Rep Girl. Suddenly, Sam floats out from under the dock, and when Sara reaches to pull her from the water, she grabs Sara and pulls her into the lake.

What the actual fuck.

Back at the car, we see Tommy working on the engine, then switch to Jason’s shoes stepping into the frame. Gordon begins to make noises of a concerned variety. But just then Tommy tells her to start the car. It doesn’t turn over, but we’re treated to another fucking fake out when a studly young hiker appears out of nowhere to help Tommy.

That’s another thing about this entry: too many fucking fake outs. You’re just abusing your audience now. [Wing: R. L. Stine, did you write this one?]

Studly Stranger removes his oversized camping pack and Trish bothered to get out of the car to see what was going on, and Tommy tries to explain he’s already done everything he can to fix it. But nope, Studly Stranger (literally) pulls a knife from his boot and uses it to try and spark the engine, which of course turns over. “Need a lift?” Trish asks Studly.

So, now it’s Trish, Tommy, Gordo the Wonder Dog, and Studly, driving through the woods to Grandmother’s house and Studly can’t believe anyone lives out this far in these remote woods. (Guess what, Studly, it’s a fucking movie.) Trish asks him what he’s hunting? Bear. Yeah, sure, you’re hunting bear, but you’re not carrying any type of rifle? Sure.

Tommy, thank you for calling him out on this, immediately.

Suddenly Studly wants to know if anyone’s at the lake, if there’s any kids at the lake. Um, what? Trish is just fucking spilling all the goddamn tea, telling Studly a bunch of teenagers have come to party at the lake.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+10)

If somehow, magically or otherwise, Studly is really Jason Voorhees, I will not be fucking shocked.

Oh my god you brought Studly to your home!? AND NOW YOU INVITE HIM IN?? DO YOU NOT KNOW YOU NEVER INVITE VAMPIRES AND POTENTIAL AX-MURDERERS INTO YOUR HOME, YOU STUPID TWIT???

Now Tommy is inviting him inside?! WHAT IS WITH YOU MORONS.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+11)

This is going to come back to bite them, just you watch.

TOMMY WANTS TO SHOW STUDLY SOMETHING IN HIS BEDROOM?? WHAT!

They all enter the house, Mom’s sitting on the couch knitting, when Tommy just drags Studly past and up the fucking stairs. Mom actually gets up and tries to find out what the hell her son is doing dragging a grown man up to his bedroom. Go Mom? Trish stops and explains that Studly is named Rob and manages to make a fast introduction before Rob disappears upstairs with Tommy.

Oh this isn’t wrong or creepy, at all.

Mrs Jarvis, you have failed to teach your son about stranger danger.

Tommy has a major collection of horror slash creature slash monster masks. And if you try to convince me again, you stupid movie, that this kid “made” these, I will laugh at you. Because I know Tom Savini was involved in this film. And all that stuff looks like he did it.

Rob seems especially intrigued with a beast mask that has huge canine teeth and is missing ears for some reason. A weird spider-like… paw? foot? reaches around Rob’s neck and Tommy pulls the cable, closing it. Um, again with this shitty fake out scares? Ugh.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+12)

Oh ha ha, Tommy is just a little wizard genius with special effects props, isn’t he!

Tommy pulls out an elaborate puppet head with amazing paint application and moving eyes, and OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS CHILD DID NOT MAKE THAT. NO. STOP. No fucking child, then or now, had access to the types of paints and tools to fabricate this, let alone fucking sculpted it. So this is just bullshit.

SO NOW WE SMASH CUT BACK TO MAKE OUT CENTRAL. I feel insulted. The use of smash cuts has been so abused in so many movies I have recapped lately. I’m really kind of sick of it and I long for a star wipe, a plain wipe, or just a fucking fade would be fine. Lay off the goddamn smash cuts! (Yes I realize I am yelling at a 34-year-old film that is not going to change. Still.)

Sam and Paul are making out on the stairs (YOU HAVE A FUCKING ROOM, USE IT) when Jimmy walks by. Ted is sitting on the couch that’s covered in crocheted granny squares and Jimmy puts some music on while the twins lounge in the living room.

He asks one of the twins to dance, then busts out some really jerky ass moves (oh my god) which makes Sam laugh. At least it gets them to stop making out? Paul even goes so far as to get up and put on some slow, romantic mood music.

Did Ted just refer to himself as “Teddy Bear”? OH GAG ME WITH A SPOON.

Apparently Ted doesn’t bother to wait for consent, he just forces his mouth on the other twin’s, even though she protests. Instead of slapping him and leaving, she gets up to get another drink. You came on too strong, you asshole, and that’s not even the worst of it.

What? Now Paul is flirting with the other twin, the one Ted just forcefully kissed? WHAT? Sam barges in, grabs Paul’s arms, and demands he kiss her. A fool, indeed.

Ted keeps referring to himself as ‘Teddy Bear’ and in the third person no less, so you know what, he deserves to die. He also gets the other twin to dance with him. Now everyone is dancing, though Jimmy has a real hard time trying to slow dance.

Yeah, you can all die. None of you will be missed.

Back over to Trish and Rob. She’s escorting him from the house, since it’s dark now (what, did he stay for dinner?) and telling him to stay on the trail. He remarks there’s just the three of them at the opulent cabin. Trish, who will spill details for a handsome face apparently, informs Rob her parents have separated and she hopes they get back together. Yeah, just tell your dreams to a perfect stranger, Trish.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+13)

So basically, Trish gives Rob an open-ended and standing invite to come back to the house and use the shower, and how they’re always home, and WOULD YOUR MOTHER APPROVE OF THIS? I DON’T THINK SO.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+14)

It’s like handing Jason the keys and leaving the door unlocked anyway.

Oh god, we return to Teddy Bear and Dead Fuck. Jimmy isn’t getting anywhere with his twin, so Ted tells him “do what I do.” NO. NO, DO NOT DO THAT.

Oops, one twin hears Jimmy tell Ted that Ted has “the hot one” of the two. Ouch. Somehow this turns into a beer chugging contest between the twins, while everyone watches. Sam is getting distinctly jealous, because Paul seems super interested in Twin Tina.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+15)

Claws are coming out.

Jimmy puts on a record and Paul is about to slow dance with Twin Tina, who made a snide comment about Sam “not minding”. Look, if some git put moves on my boyfriend, there would be nothing left but a grease spot. Sam is somehow managing to hold back. Nope, wait, she makes a catty comment about going swimming because the air is too close in the room. Okay.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+16)

For the impending night swimming, because you just know that’s a big no-no in these films.

Sara tries to follow Sam but Not Rob Lowe tells her to mind her own business. He promises to talk to Paul (sure) even though Paul is being led off by Twin Tina. Wow. She’s jus aggressively putting the moves on Paul, pawing him. Holy shit.

Ted apparently can’t understand rejection. He even mentions to Jimmy that he’s going to kill Paul, that Twin Tina was “his”, and where is Jason already, because there is a sudden drought of deaths. Jimmy wants to talk to him, but Ted just calls Jimmy “Dead Fuck” (again) and pisses Jimmy off (again) so Jimmy basically says in not so many words (involving Ted’s invisible computer) to FUCK YOU, TED.

I wish that scene was more effective, but nope, we smash cut to the dark woods.

Sam has walked to the lake’s edge and stops to take off her clothes, hearing a twig snap. She acts like it’s Paul who’s followed her. Bye bye, clothes.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+17)

Oh, look, an inflatable raft is on the lake. I guess we couldn’t afford a metal canoe this round?

Sam waits a minute, standing around buck-naked before getting angry at the not-even-there Paul, then gets in the water and starts swimming towards the raft. She, of course, gets in.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+18)

This is so poorly written. One minute Sam is calling out to Paul the next she’s yelling at him and telling him to screw himself. This is the second time she’s done this. THE WRITERS SUCK.

As soon as Sam lays her head on the side of the raft, Jason jumps (?) rises (?) got a lift from the Sea Ponies up from under the water and grabs the raft, but is also stabbing something sharp up through the bottom of the raft, right through Sam’s torso. Okay.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+35.5)

Well, at least we’re getting on with it, finally. I was getting really bored.

Back at the house, Ted’s playing with matches.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+19)

Maybe he’ll burn to death? Is that too much to hope for? Paul’s still “dancing” (if that’s what you can call it) with Twin Tina but he eventually rejects her in favor of going after Sam. (Too late, loverboy.) Someone (uh huh) watches him leave the house.

Other Twin tells Twin Tina to go after Paul (?) but instead she gets Jimmy to slow dance. Ted is still playing with matches. Twin Tina apparently wants to move through all the men in the house, minus Fake Rob Lowe. Now she wants to go upstairs with Jimmy? What the hell?

Apparently Jimmy feels back on his A-Game, leaving Ted to sulk and stare at Other Twin, who gets up and sits beside him on the couch. Ted busts out his bullshit Teddy Bear line and HE CANNOT DIE SOON ENOUGH.

Back at the lake, Paul is ditching clothing and shoes and sees the rubber raft floating peacefully on the water. [Wing: How? At the very least, it should be taking on water and therefore not smoothly floating, if not all the way filled, depending on how big the hole and how long Paul waited to come out here.]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+20)

Oh, so he leaves his jean shorts on but Sam stripped naked? Mhm.

Paul tries to get into the water quietly without much noise, to sneak up on Sam. Yeah, you can die, too, you jerk.

The poor pacing coupled with the awful, uninspired writing and tired tropes used in this film is making me long for the first two installments. My god, what’s happening to me!?

So Paul’s swimming to the raft, I am struggling to pay attention and remain focused on recapping this (damn you Tap Tap Fish for being so addictive!) and oh look, Jason thoughtfully left Sam’s body in the raft. Which Paul finds and screams and SWIMS AWAY FAST FROM.

He makes it to the wooden dock but Jason shoots him (?) or stabs him (?) and I had to rewind this several times but I still can’t figure out what the hell that is but I guess it was sharp and went through Paul’s crotch? CONFUSED.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+36.5)

Also: second dude named Paul to die in this series. I wonder if we’ll have a third Paul? (NOBODY TELL ME, I WANT TO BE SURPRISED.)

This Paul sure screams a lot.

So much so that Rob hears him, all the way at his little campsite on the lakeside. Welp, so much for my theory about him being Jason. Rob pulls a (conveniently placed) machete out and cautiously heads towards the screams. I dunno, the fog and dense bushes would convince me to, you know, NOT try and help.

Beyond the safety of his campfire, Rob’s in the woods now and hears noises coming from his campsite. He rushes back, machete out in front, and finds his hunting rifle broken (?) and a map crumpled up. Huh?

There’s no way Jason could have fled that quickly. Rob, you idiot, watch out.

No? No Jason? Nope. Okay, so Robby boy is going to get to be a hero, ala the Woodsman, right? It’s plainly obvious he’s going to go back to the opulent cabin and save the Jarvis trio at the end.

Back at Sexy Party Headquarters, the lights are on but Paul and Sam ain’t coming home. The wind is picking up, moving the shutters; a storm is a’brewin’. Jimmy is in Paul and Sam’s room with Twin Tina, who’s unbuttoning her hideous 80s striped shirt.

Jimmy isn’t comfortable being in “Paul’s room”, making out with Twin Tina on a four poster that suddenly collapses under their combined weight. Ha ha, so funny! (no.)

Downstairs, Ted finds old film reels of old timey porn? Okay. He, Sara, and Not Rob Lowe think the old films are hysterical, but Other Twin is just plain bored.

She actually goes upstairs to knock on the door and tell Twin Tina it’s time to leave, even though she’s totally in bed with Jimmy. Twin Tina doesn’t want to go, says to leave without her. Other Twin threatens to go without her. Um.

So Other Twin does leave, and now it’s pouring rain and there’s thunder and lightning. She puts on some sort of plastic overcoat and creeps out towards the bicycles, yelling “you slut!” at the house. Okay.

The camera does a weird slow pan to close in on the house, which is when the lightning backlights Jason stabbing Other Twin just as she’s getting on her bike.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+37.5)

That’s what you get for slut shaming your twin sister, I guess.

Inside, Ted is smoking weed, which explains the overly boisterous laughter, when there’s a loud THUD as Other Twin’s corpse is thrown into the side of the house, pinned there by the implement of her death. Um, so Jason is supernaturally strong still. Okay. [Wing: How big was what he used to stab her? Because it sounds supernaturally strong, too!]

Everybody’s too stoned to hear the noise. Sara announces she’s going upstairs. Faux Rob Lowe is staring at her boobs. Ugh. She invites him to sleep in the bottom bunk but he’s too stupid and/or stoned to realize she’s asking him to bed, and offers her the top bunk. She has to give him a real pointed look before asking for a few minutes (to prep, obviously) before going upstairs.

Sara actually says “goodnight, Teddy Bear.” OH DIE ALREADY WILL YA.

Over at the opulent Jarvis cabin, Mom is coming in and is soaking wet, seeking a towel as she announces she’s going to strangle Tommy. The lights don’t come on, the power’s out. She dries her face with a dishtowel before pouring herself a glass of water from the sink, and calling for her kids.

Look, lady, try every fucking switch in the house if you want but THE POWER IS OUT.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+21)

Nobody responds, so she starts calling for the dog. It’s puzzling why her children and her damn dog aren’t answering. She even goes so far as to open the door and step out on the back porch to call for the dog. Oh god, Gordon’s dead, isn’t he. Mom creeps into the yard to look.

We don’t see what startles her because SMASH CUT sends us to the car, Trish driving with Tommy riding shotgun. Tommy isn’t happy with Trish speeding in the pouring rain, reminding her the party will still be going on when she gets there. (Um, maybe?)

Speaking of, we return to the bunk bed room, where Sara’s clad in her most virginal white lace bra and panties (that’s a trope, isn’t it?) and she’s slipping into a slinky baby pink robe. She’s tying it shut, adjusting it just so. Why bother? Faux Rob Lowe won’t even notice, honey.

Trish and Tommy arrive home. Power’s still out. They wander through the dark house. Trish heads upstairs, Tommy on her heels. Mom’s not in her bedroom! The siblings arguing about what to do. Trish decides to go looking on the jogging path and orders Tommy to stay behind in case Mom comes back.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+21)

Leave the child alone, he’s a good as dead, although I’m sure his monster props and masks will delay the inevitable for a little bit or be used in some stupid way.

Oh, Rob’s tent! It’s dark now, no fire, and the rain is soaking everything as Trish climbs down to get in the tent. Rob’s nowhere to be found. But someone’s lurking around outside the tent. (This from the killer’s POV bullshit is so dumb.)

A large shadow looms outside the tent, raising a machete.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+22)

Y’all knew it was Rob, right? Because it is. Asshole slashes the wall of the tent, sending Trish flying out of it. Then yells at her! She yells back! Then they realize their both being stupid and something else is out there in the woods.

Surviving Twin Tina is cuddled up on Jimmy, post-sex, and he’s petting her hair? Okay. I guess they fell asleep. Oh, oh, here we go. Jimmy actually point blank asks her if he was a “dead fuck”.

She laughs and basically says no, telling him he was incredible. (Doubt it.) And they make out and she wants to go for round two, but leaves for some reason. Downstairs Ted is still watching old timey porn reels and oh look, a woman in a grass skirt.

Cultural Appropriation Ahoy: 1 (+1)

Jimmy comes downstairs, in boxer shorts but buttoning up his button down shirt (?) and sits on the couch with Ted. He literally hands Ted Twin Tina’s silky panties in a “ha ha fuck you I won” victory speech.

Oh goodie, now there’s a woman in a serape and a Mexican hat.

Cultural Appropriation Ahoy: 1 (+2)

The buddies laugh, mostly because Ted is stoned off his ass, before Jimmy goes into the kitchen for something to drink. He can’t find the corkscrew, though.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+23)

Jimmy yells too much about the missing corkscrew before it’s suddenly jammed violently into the back of his hand, pinning him to the counter top. He turns, struggling, but Jason drives a meat cleaver (??) into his face.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+38.5)

I guess you got laid, Jimmy. Now you’re just a dead fuck.

Complaint: It’s really difficult to describe the weapons and manors of death this go round, because the murders happen so quick you can’t even pause them fast enough to look at the frame. At least you could get an idea or the image went on for longer in the other movies. I know that’s a weird thing to complain about but I’m complaining. [Wing: I don’t think it’s a weird thing to complain about. There’s such weird pacing in this one. The plot is weak enough that it’s like they’re trying to thrust in more deaths to make up for it, but that gives them little time to develop any of the characters or the death scenes.]

Twin Tina exits the bathroom but Jimmy’s gone. She peers out the window and sees both her bike and her sister’s are still there. Moving to another window, trying to see out into the storm, she totally misses Jason A) break through the window with no problem, and B) grab and throw her into the air, where the film goes all slow motion and we watch her body slowly smash into the roof of the station wagon. It’s a big impact, the practical special effects make all the windows blow out, but there’s really not much of a dent. FAKE.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+39.5)

No more doubling your pleasure with the double mint twins, I guess! (You have to be THIS OLD to get that reference.)

That was a total waste of a slow motion shot, too.

OH! Back to Rob and Trish! Rob has a CONNECTION, AN IMPORTANT CONNECTION: he is Sandra’s older brother! You remember Sandra, right? She and her boyfriend Jeff were killed post-coitus when Jason ran a spear through them both while they were in bed! AKA the first double murder in the Friday the 13th series! It’s Part 2, if you need to go back and read.

Also: that is the most weak ass connection ever to a previous film in the series. Good job, writers!

Rob hasn’t been hunting bears! (BIG SURPRISE.) He’s been tracking Jason! [Wing: Knew it. Also, you’d have a better chance hunting bears without any weapons than you do of hunting Jason with all the weapons.] He has all kinds of newspaper articles clipped out and he tells Trish Jason’s supposedly a child (um) and has eyewitness sketches and more clippings about more murders and all Trish can repeat is “But he’s dead.” YOU DAMN TWIT.

Even when Rob tells her Jason’s body disappeared from the morgue, she counters that it was stolen. Finally someone confirms both murders did happen at the hospital. Geez, that took forever.

Trish finally recovers her brain and remembers Tommy is alone at the house.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+24)

Actually, Tommy is wandering around in the storage shed slash utility room? He opens the fuse panel but does nothing to it, instead looking around the room with his weak-beamed flashlight.

But before anything exciting can happen over there, we’re returned to Ted toking the last of his wacky weed, still watching the old timey porn. OH AND NOT SUBTLE COORS BEER PRODUCT PLACEMENT ROUND TWO!

A quick blip shows us Jason picking up the knife he used to kill Jimmy, or maybe it’s a different one? Doesn’t matter. We also see Jimmy’s hand still impaled by the corkscrew. Then SMASH CUT takes us to the shower, and through the frosted glass Sara and Fake Rob Lowe are having a romantic interlude.

Ugh, this is just slow and painfully bad.

If you’re going to have sex in a shower, I’m pretty sure the tiled wall is stronger and more stable then, say, the shitty doors on metal tracks. But who am I to interject? Just a Virgin. Not Rob Lowe somehow manages to get one of Sara’s legs wrapped around his hip and we see her butt cheeks smashed against the frosted glass.

Ted’s finished his joint and picks up the teddy bear, laughing in a fake stoner way at it (look, there’s all those COORS BEER cans again) and he gets super excited when the old timey porn shows a naked woman bathing.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+25)

Because y’all know Sara and Faux Rob Lowe will probably die in that shower.

Getting up from the chair, Ted approaches the screen and starts talking to the naked woman (ugh, really, writers?) and I’m just waiting. Because any minute now, Jason is going to stab him through that screen, right?

The film reel snaps, making Ted turn around and stare right into the blinding light. He laughs and calls for Jimmy, but suddenly a big knife stabs through the screen and into the back of Ted’s (super fake) head.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+40.5)

Mhm. Called it.

Also: super disappointed Ted did not die more violently. Like, burning to death or some such.

He slowly sinks to the floor, leaving a trail of blood on the blank screen. Bye, asshole.

Back in the shower, Sara opens the door and gets the towel from the rack and puts it around herself and god this is stupid slow and boring and gets out of the shower but Not Rob Lowe calls to her, saying he thinks he’s in heaven.

Buddy, you got a weird idea of heaven.

Sara counters that she thinks she’s in love. (WARNING SIRENS SHOULD BE GOING OFF RIGHT NOW.) Fake Rob Lowe replies, “what?” Sara tells him she’ll just meet him in the bottom bunk.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+26)

Not if you meet Jason first, honey.

Not Rob Lowe starts singing (poorly) in the shower as Sara crosses the hall and goes in the bedroom, where she picks up a hair dryer and starts drying her hair. Lemme guess, her death will involve the hair dryer?

Oh! We double back to the bathroom, where Faux Rob Lowe is still singing when the lights go off.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+27)

He assumes it’s Sara, but gets no answer. Then thinks it’s Paul, makes a weird joke about dropping the soap and telling Paul to join him in the shower (???) but somehow (ONCE AGAIN) Jason is able to smash through glass (and this would be safety glass, surely) and grabs Not Rob Lowe’s pretty face and smashes his head into the tile wall. I guess Jason is crushing his face? It’s hard to tell. And this is the first time we get a real full look at Jason’s hockey mask-covered face.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+41.5)

Well, there’s blood and a bit of crying out, so I’ll just call it now.

Sara finishes with the hair dryer and walks back to the bathroom. Boy she’s in for a surprise. Fake Rob Lowe won’t be singing no more, not with his throat impaled on those pointy glass shards that are what’s left of the shower door.

Unsurprisingly, Sara freaks the fuck out and starts screaming. Unbeknownst to her, she’s the last young adult standing. Everyone else is dead. She bolts downstairs and tries a door, screaming for Sam (??) but an ax comes busting through it (???!!?) and sinks into her chest, knocking her to the floor.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+42.5)

SO WE SMASH CUT TO TOMMY WALKING DOWN SOME STAIRS AND NOW THE LIGHTS WORK AGAIN?

He can hear someone working the doorknob and pauses, just before someone breaks the glass. It’s just Trish and Rob, come to rescue (?) him. Trish runs to the phone and we return to the shitty “killer’s POV” style shot, watching the trio through the windows. Tommy gets no answers from either about what’s going on.

Jason just reaches up and rips the phone box off the outside of the cabin. WHAT THE FUCK. Especially considering there’s no obvious connection through the wooden logs or any wires or cables.

For fuck’s sake, Rob announces he’s going to Sexy Party Central, and Trish insists she’s going too, and tells Tommy to STAY HOME ALONE. Wait, didn’t you just come to rescue him?!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+28)

Shoulda kissed your sister and Studly Rob goodbye, Tommy, as well as Gordon (who is magically outside and accompanies the duo.)

I dunno, the giant hole in the door would have told me “get out of there and call the cops” but no, Rob goes right on in. Either Jason moved Sara’s corpse or she got up, because she’s not there anymore. Trish and Rob move silently through the house, finding nothing.

The movie projector eventually turns off and plunges everything into darkness. Rob decides to visit the basement, making Trish stay on the ground level with Gordon. (ugh.) Where the hell did his machete go? Because that tiny knife is no match for Jason.

Nothing illuminated by the weak beam of Rob’s flashlight makes much sense, but he continues on. Gordon apparently explores the house enough and starts whining, before going upstairs. AND THEN HE’S THROWN THROUGH A WINDOW?! WHAT THE FUCK??

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+43)

We don’t see the dog’s body. Yet. (Edit: or ever.)

Trish heads upstairs (too late to save your dog, you dumb asshole) and oh, she has the machete. Okay. Still not going to save you.

Back at the Jarvis’ cabin, Tommy finds all the newspaper clippings Rob has and reads them. He eventually settles on the one with the weird sketch of Jason’s face. Of course he does. Let me guess, Tommy’s gonna wear a mask that just happens to look deformed?

Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 1 (+1)

That’s for the newspaper sketch.

Trish happens her way into the bathroom but there’s no body. Fake blood everywhere and it trails across the floor to where Fake Rob Lowe is somehow hanging on the wall, impaled by a knife (??) which makes Trish scream and panic (naturally.) Pretty sure Rob told you to stay downstairs!

She flees down to the basement, making a huge fucking racket and announcing that Jason is in the house (because really, that’s smart) and somehow Rob is alive still. They start up the stairs but – and I can’t really tell because the lighting is just awful – I think Jason punches up through the wooden step and grabs Rob. [Wing: I have such a fear of something grabbing my ankle, maybe slicing through teh tendon, while I’m walking up stairs, especially basement stairs. Not from this movie, just in general.] It doesn’t matter, because Rob gets free and goes back to the basement, and is immediately attacked by Jason.

Why Trish still has the machete, no one knows.

Rob is screaming and telling Trish to run, all the while Jason is beating him to death (or stabbing him, I can’t fucking tell) and finally the reptilian part of her brain kicks in and Trish heads upstairs. There’s a pathetic wail (I laughed) before Rob goes quiet.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+44)

So much for revenging your sister, Rob.

Trish stands around a minute before charging back into the basement, the machete held high. She gets halfway down before losing it but Jason gets her by the ankle through the treads. Hacking at his hand/arm with the machete is just effective enough, as Trish gets free. Fleeing, she runs into one of the twins, her corpse laid out on the porch.

Instead of, you know, stepping over it, Trish flees to the back door of the kitchen, where she’s greeted by Jimmy’s body. His hands are nailed to the door frame, his body blocking escape. Okay. [Wing: Well damn. That’s vivid.]

Trish puts down the machete and busts open a kitchen window with a metal stool. Okay. (I’ve given up, clearly.) She climbs out and through, back into the pouring rain and lightning.

Screaming, she manages to run across to her cabin, flailing the machete. Tommy hears her and lets her in. Trish’s plan? NAIL THE DOORS SHUT.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+28)

Epic fail. YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

Pity there’s no curtains on those windows. Remember how effective those curtains were in Part I? Or Part II?

Trish starts to nail the door shut but her pace is super slow and ineffective. Meanwhile, Jason rips Jimmy’s hands to shreds, exiting out the back door. That was gross.

Still ineffectively locking the windows, it’s no fucking surprise when the shot becomes real wide of the cabin’s interior and JASON BUSTS THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDOWS LIKE NO BIG DEAL. Who couldn’t have seen that coming?! Like, seriously, though, he took out the equivalent of a whole wall. Man, this movie insists you believe this is possible.

Oh. Wait! Wait! It’s not Jason! Jason just threw Rob’s corpse through that window-filled wall! (Still unbelievable.) Trish checks him but dude is obviously A) DEAD and B) a DISTRACTION, because Jason pops right through another window and grabs Tommy from behind.

I can’t. I can’t even.

Trish attacks Jason, beating him on the head with the hammer, but she keeps hitting the mask, so it’s not very effective. Amazingly, she doesn’t smash her brother, who is screaming. AMAZINGLY, in a fit of clarity, Trish turns the hammer around so she can drive the claw part into Jason’s neck! WOW. Score!

He releases Tommy, attempting to pry the hammer out of his neck. The siblings run to the stairs! Jason, now sans hammer, busts through the door bodily. (Seriously!?) They pause and Jason has time to toss the hammer at Trish’s head, missing and putting it into the wall. NOW the siblings flee up the staircase.

In Tommy’s room, they manage to move his heavy shelf slash cabinet and block the door. Somehow, magically, this is enough to stop Jason in his tracks. He fiddles with the doorknob and pounds on the door, while the siblings cower, clinging to each other.

Trish keeps asking what Jason is doing. Um, duh, that momentary pause was him retrieving an ax. Because only one side of the door is blocked by the shelf unit. FAIL. It takes a while before Jason cuts away enough to reach through and push the shelf over like no big thang. The siblings just cower and whimper, terrified of their impending dooms.

Coming to her senses once again, Trish grabs the monitor from Tommy’s computer and manages to smash it onto Jason’s head, shocking him since it’s still plugged into the outlet. Jason falls back, the monitor on fire from the smashed picture tube.

You… you really think you’re safe now? Man you two are idiots.

Collecting Tommy, the siblings survey Jason lying just outside the door. Trish plans to get the ax (and I guess use it on Jason, I can’t really hear what she’s saying) while Tommy is to “run like hell”. She makes it into the hall but Jason grabs the ax and smashes it into the wall, making her scream and run right into his path. Tommy yells and for a minute Jason is confused as to which to target, but eventually settles on Trish.

You’re kidding, right? Nope. Trish runs across the driveway right into the Sexy Murder House, Jason hot on her heels. They go upstairs. He seems to have her trapped but Trish dives through the hexagonal window (in another waste of slow motion) and lands on the ground, having fallen two storeys.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+45)

Yeah, sure, she totally just fell into a perfect pose, legs together, arms spread. Sure.

Jason surveys his latest victim from the window. A closer shot reveals…

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+1)
Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+44)

Trish’s thumb moved! Now she’s getting up! Jason runs from the window to get downstairs. Trish, stunned, gets up!

Meanwhile, Tommy is dipping his whole head into a sink full of water. (?!?!) Oh, no, I get it. He’s got the newspaper clipping with the drawing taped on the mirror and is plotting, making faces.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+29)
Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 1 (+2)

Trish is gone by the time Jason gets downstairs and outside.

Tommy, meanwhile, has taken scissors to his bowl cut, trying to match the sketched image. Which is going to be hard. Trish stumbles in through the ruins of the front door, Tommy yelling her name from upstairs. She’s pissed because Tommy was supposed to run away and clearly didn’t.

Jason looms outside on the porch, clearly seen through the gaping hole of a front entry.

Trish grabs the handy machete and swings at him, but misses, and he backs her into the house, entering. Tommy is still playing Vidal Sassoon in the bathroom, cutting his fucked up hair.

Finally, Trish gets a hit, impaling the machete blade between Jason’s fingers and deep into his hand. Ew. It is clearly a fake hand, too, because he turns his arm and the fingers move quite jerkily as if they were being controlled by cables, while bright red fake blood pours out.

OH MY GOD TOMMY IS SHAVING HIS HEAD. DUDE. THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY USING A DISPOSABLE BLADE THAT YOU GOT THROUGH HAIR THAT LONG TO A STUBBLED SCALP. YOU’D BE BLEEDING EVERYWHERE.

Trish is still screaming at Tommy to flee, also yelling at Jason, whom she manages to slash with the machete. Jason makes some kind of noise and smashes a lamp in anger, plunging the room into darkness. He grabs Trish and they fall to the floor. She screams and flails, punching and hitting him, kicking him, but mostly just hitting the hockey mask.

TOMMY COMES RUNNING DOWNSTAIRS IN SHORT JEAN SHORTS, HIS POPPED COLLAR AND THE CROWN OF HIS HEAD SHAVED, AND I THINK THAT’S EYELINER??

He looks like fucking Uncle Fester.

Anyway. It’s enough to get Jason’s attention and he abandons his attack on Trish, turning his attention to Tommy. (Is this over yet?!) Tommy implores Jason to “remember”, but what exactly, I’m not sure. Is he supposed to remember how he was a deformed child who everyone picked on? Do you really want him to remember that?

(That is an epic bald cap slash paint job on Corey Feldman, BTW.)

Jason is distracted enough that Trish has time to grab the machete and swing it when Jason turns back to stop her. She slashes the strap on the hockey mask and it flies free, revealing Jason’s deformed face. (Which is entirely different from the other times we’ve seen it. WTF.)

Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 1 (+3)

I mean really, that is way more sculpted and looks like melted, burned skin, and it’s not as scary as the other times we’ve seen Jason’s face. This is just… comical. I’m sure it was (maybe?) terrifying in 1984. In 2018, not so much.

And Trish drops the machete, she’s so overcome by Jason’s grotesqueness. (Ugh.)

But Tommy jumps off the stairs and grabs it, in slow motion no less, and manages to slam it into the left side of Jason’s face/head. He grunts in pain and drops to his knees, fake blood pouring out of the huge wound, the machete still embedded in his flesh.

Yawn.

Oh, fucking gross. As Jason falls forward, the machete is shown sliding through the super fucking FAKE FACE/HEAD. Y’know, I’m not gore shy but when it’s just that goddamn fake, why bother?

Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 1 (+4)

Because they really played up the deformed face while it was destroyed by the machete.

Tommy picks up the bloodied blade and Trish embraces him, and they cry, but the camera moves to show Jason’s fingers moving. SEE WHY I DIDN’T BOTHER WITH THE COUNTER?? I KNEW IT.

Seeing the movement out of the corner of his eye, Tommy SMASHES THE MACHETE INTO JASON 15 TIMES. I counted. I shit you not, I counted. Even after the screen went bright white and the image was gone, I was still counting.

And Trish just stands there, screaming her brother’s name, as he wails on the corpse.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+45)

Jason has to be dead this time. Right? (We all know that was only the truth until the series was revived, ha ha.)

We move to a hospital, where Trish is in bed, a doctor discussing how she needs shoulder surgery with a sheriff’s deputy. But it has to wait until she’s recovered some. She’s upset that no one will answer her question (??) which is basically IS TOMMY OKAY. And not physically, she wants to know why he hacked up Jason so violently. (Um, I would have, too.)

The doctor assures her that Tommy only acted under extreme duress and he’ll be PERFECTLY FINE (lies) even though he murdered a serial killer. She’s allowed to see Tommy, who comes in the room still hunched over with a shaved head, just like he’s acting the part of young!Jason.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+30)

Um.

The siblings hug tightly but the final shot is Tommy staring, dark-eyed and angry, right into the camera. Really, props to Feldman, as he was really one of the only kid actors in that era that could pull that super creepy stuff off.

Lemme guess, he’s somehow possessed by Jason’s spirit?

The screen goes bright white before turning black and the credits roll. And I sit and wait, because Marvel has trained me to sit and wait for a scene inserted into the credits but no, there’s not one. Of course not. That wasn’t a thing in 1984. [Wing: Oh, the days when we could leave the theater when the credits rolled.]

THE END (no.)

Final Thoughts

This one… I don’t want to say it’s the worst. I have so many more yet to view that might take that prize, so I don’t want to award it preemptively. But it was bad. So bad. Cobbled together in a poor way, uninspired killings, gross to be gross, forcing the viewer to completely suspend reality to let Jason do some of what he was doing. Man, I’d rather watch Part III again! (And I really hated Part III.) [Wing: This is definitely the worst one so far.]

The only real good addition was Corey Feldman. Jason up against a child? Let alone a child who got into the killer’s mind and used it against him? That’s pretty fucking cool. Sadly, the way it was set up (the masks and mechanical abilities attributed to said child) was handled in such a ham-fisted way that it wasn’t very believable for me. Maybe some finesse with the script might have helped it be more plausible. I know there’s kids out there who are adept and smart as hell and can think of stuff like this. That’s not the lie. The masks are the lie. I’ve watched enough Face Off episodes to know what goes into that stuff and no. fucking. way. [Wing: Also, it doesn’t really matter. He doesn’t even build any sort of elaborate mask, just chops at his hair and does some work. He could have been talented without going to those extreme levels of the props.]

And we never learned what happened to Mom Jarvis? What the hell? I know I didn’t add her on the body counter because she was never seen again after (I suppose) Jason startled her in the backyard. I guess I’ll add her in on the final count, because obviously she dead, but still. Weird.

Not/Fake/Faux Rob Lowe was actually named Doug. Okay. My name was better.

Reading the wiki entry, I guess the director was a complete asshole and treated the cast like shit, making them perform stunts that were dangerous. Oh great. And the actor who played Jason says Feldman was a brat on set. Well, not much surprise, not with that one. (Honestly, I grew up with a lot of Feldman’s films, so he’s kind of a touchstone actor for me, but his personal life is a mess. I have empathy for him, because no kid should ever go through what he did but it doesn’t excuse all of his behavior.)

And it looks like I was right about that end look Tommy gives the camera. But I won’t click that link…

Until next time, when the franchise gets rebooted and the seeds sown in this bastard entry grow into the next round of horrific delights, I am running away and watching a lot of cutesy crap to cleanse my brain. (My Little Pony cartoons, perhaps?) See you in the next recap, for Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning when Let’s Do It!: A Virgin Does Horror! returns! #RIPGordon

Final Counters

Crystal Lake Body Count: 46 (* I added one for Mrs Jarvis, even though her body was never seen onscreen.)
Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 30
Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 4
Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 3
Cultural Inappropriateness: 2
He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1
Peeping Tomfoolery: 1
Punished For Basic Biology: 1
Too Cool For School: 1

 

Poppin' my horror movie cherry one cult classic slasher film at a time. Let's do it!

Categories: Friday the 13th movies, Let's Do It! recaps
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1 Comment

  • Jude Deluca says:

    Oh hey! I completely forgot to mention this but, I think early in the movie past the opening credits there was a cameo of Chris from the previous movie. That woman who was being comforted in that room in the hospital? I believe that was supposed to be her.

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