Recap #115: Friday the 13th, Part III 3D by

13 December 2017

Title: Friday the 13th Part III-3D (Out of eleventy-billion, am I right?) [Wing: Pretty much.]

Summary: A carefree summer becomes a deadly nightmare for another group of naïve counselors who choose to ignore Camp Crystal Lake’s gruesome legacy. They find themselves in a bloody game of cat-and-mouse with the maniacal Jason who stalks their every move… and ruthlessly kills them off one-by-one. [Wing: Why do they keep going back? Why do they keep ignoring recent deaths? Why?]

Tagline: Meet Jason… In a whole new dimension!

Note: I know this says “in 3D”, but I am not watching it in 3D. Yeah, no. My eyeballs don’t like 3D.

Initial Thoughts

Well. Here I am. Again.

Fall, which was hot and weird for my region, not to mention choked with smoke from forest fires, is now sliding quickly towards Winter. Why not make myself all the more unhappy by watching yet another installment in the Friday the 13th series?!

I kid. I wouldn’t say snarkily recapping my way through a horror franchise makes me unhappy. But, man, after that last installment, I’m struggling with the stupidity of the writing and the glaring lack of Kevin Bacon.

Wait… when did Kevin freaking Bacon become my touchstone for this series? Dude’s character died in the first film, he’s not coming back! (Really, I’d rather watch him in Flatliners… maybe I should recap Flatliners at some point… uh, point of clarification: the ORIGINAL Flatliners.)

Let’s see, a bit of run down before we start in. The third film in the franchise was released August 13th, 1982 (ironically, that’s the month I’m wasn’t scheduled to post in, bummer) and I would have been about a year old, so I have no memory of this. [Wing: Boo, next time maybe we’ll switch up the posting schedule to hit something like that.]

It did well at the box office, no surprise.

Gleaning what I can from websites without being totally spoiled on a 35 year old film, this installment was the first to use a David Bowie song as its fake title during production, which also led to an “on-again, off-again tradition” of using Bowie songs for fake titles during production. Bowie was involved in everything, people, everything. Whether he knew it or not.

Oh, hell, let’s just start this recap, shall we?

Important note! Remember, I am rolling over the body count from each of the previous films recapped, so that will be reflected in the counter and final tally.

Recap 

I should mention I was in the middle of watching Suspiria for the first time when I stopped to do recap this. Again, probably another film I should recap, too. Okay, Virgin, FOCUS!

Man, I miss the old Paramount logo. They don’t make movie studio logos like they used to.

We start out with the standard black screen, white text titles, and the same weird music, before we come upon a blonde woman running through a woodsy area in the dark. Oh, hey, girl! It’s Ginny! And she’s… oh crap, here we go again, recycling footage from the previous film into the next movie. STOP IT. [Wing: It’s like they think we’ll have forgotten what happened in the last movie. Though, I suppose rewatching them obsessively at home wasn’t really a thing back then for most people, so maybe it’s a little more understandable.]

Ginny runs into Jason’s poor excuse for a shack in the woods, crying for help. We can see Jason, wearing the burlap hood, running after her through the window. Ginny bars the door, before turning to see the poorly preserved head of Mrs. Voorhees on the altar.

Yeah, you know what, this is pretty much the entire scene where Ginny playacts as Mrs. Voorhees in an effort to stop Jason. I already recapped this. Sigh. Might as well start my counters.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+1)
Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 1 (+1)

Y’know, at least Ginny tried to use her brain and work with Jason, even though she tried to kill him in an act of self defense. Can’t say anyone else in these films tried psychology or to think things through. Of course, most of them thought this was a spooky made-up story, so I guess it stands to reason they were not really prepared to deal with Jason being a real person. [Wing: Maybe it’s because of how you’re recapping so many this year, but it seems to me that there’s not a ton of time between movies (within universe, I mean), so how are these deaths relegated to legends so quickly? Real people have really disappeared (in universe), and yet here we are once again.]

Screeching violin stings goes on my list of “sounds I do not like”.

Yet again, Ginny removes the pillowcase from Jason’s head and, again, the audience sees nothing. Like, okay, I’m gonna say it’s a…

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+2)

I may have accidentally read something that’s gonna happen, and I always wondered why it hadn’t happened in the first two films, because it basically became an integral part of the iconic image of the character. It took three films, but it’s finally going to happen!

Okay, so Ginny and Paul exit Jason’s shack, we see Jason’s bloodied hand lay down the machete he pried out of his shoulder, and the camera zooms in on Mrs. Voorhee’s… WAIT A MINUTE. That is a MASSIVE continuity error! Dude! Jason attacked Ginny at the end of part 2 and I wrote that you could clearly see the machete stuck in his shoulder/neck! WHAT??

I see this film is already ignoring and/or writing over its own back story… sheesh.

Annnnnd titles roll over Mrs. Voorhees’ poorly mummified head. Yay.

Yeah, you can tell, even though this copy isn’t 3D, what was supposedly 3D in the theater. They’ve ditched the white text on black background and gone for bright, blood red letters that zoom out, over a night blue background of white smoke (clouds?) which is like so cheesy 80s, I’m actually happy about it. This is clearly where the franchise embraced the shlocky horror that I’ve been expecting but didn’t get out of the first 2 films. Oh boy, now I’m excited!

Oh, yeah, trippy synthesizer music, too!

I can say with almost total certainty that the 3D for this film was probably about as effective (and as awful) as the 3D in JAWS-3D.

Credits concluded, we open on an idyllic cabin-like building that has a painted sign that reads “Crystal Lake” something or other over its door. It’s closed, and from the giant ice machines outside, I’m guessing it’s a general store or some such. Lightning flashes and thunder rumbles, as we pan passed to see bed sheets waving in the rising winds. A man comes rushing through the drying laundry, only to knock one of the support poles down.

A woman, her hair in rollers, yells through the window at Harold, cussing him out and complaining about him messing up all the work she’s done on the laundry. Well this is off to a fine start. [Wing: What sort of work, woman? A storm is coming! You should be frantically running to get that laundry inside before it gets soaked.]

Slamming the window shut, the woman returns to her place on the couch, a crumpled CRUNCH bar wrapped on the coffee table (CASUAL PRODUCT PLACEMENT, AHOY!) as the news anchor drones on about the “quiet” community of Crystal Lake [Wing: QUIET. CRYSTAL LAKE. HA.] being rocked by a “grisly mass murder scene”. I wonder what he could possibly be talking about!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+3)

Curlers is focused on the news report, as it is revealed eight bodies were found at the scene, which cops are combing for evidence and a suspect. She slowly winds a ball of yarn for her knitting at the camera pans in a semi-circle left, over the TV.

Well, now we know the campgrounds are four square miles.

Ginny lives! Yay! (Though we know this is probably not a good thing, because we know what happened to poor Alice after she survived her encounter with Jason on (in?) the lake.)

This also means my Crystal Lake Body Count was accurate at 18.5 so yay for accurate math?

There’s a noise outside, drawing Curlers’ attention away from the gruesome news report. She gets up to investigate, looking out the window to see a male figure in blue coveralls wandering through her bed sheets hanging on the line.

Clearly there’s something wrong with his head, though it is hard to determine what, exactly.

I WONDER WHO THIS COULD BE.

Thinking it’s Harold, Curlers switches off the TV, missing the part about the killer still roaming free, and heads outside to collect the laundry. Man, she just keeps up that bitching, doesn’t she. Between the lazily waving sheets, we see an arm, a hand. Curlers assumes it’s the poor sod Harold, before she views the barn door moving on its track, in the wind. Abandoning the majority of the laundry, Curlers returns to the living quarters, just as the shadowy figure steps in front of the camera.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+4)

Oh, great, more of that stupid weird POV stuff this franchise loves so much!

Goldfish. In a glass bowl. With a plastic train stuck on top of a rock for bowl decoration. Okay. Harold is feeding his aquatic pets, and the theme of the general store is revealed to be one involving trains. Kitschy metal railroad paraphernalia and signs dot the store, along with a selection of produce and canned goods. A large sign touting “the Great Train Robbery” is tacked to the front of the counter.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+5)

…trains?

Fish Lionel isn’t hungry. Harold eats some of the fish flakes to encourage the goldfish, discovering he likes the taste. (I can’t make out the sign well enough to read the second goldfish’s name.) Outside, through the window, we can see what I’m just gonna go ahead and say is Jason lurking and watching poor unsuspecting, fish flake-eating Harold.

Harold inspects the fish food label, and promptly spits out the flakes.

Oh my god, there’s a rabbit in the open produce bin! Harold runs over and scoops up they grey and white rabbit, warning him he might become a fur coat if Curlers finds said rabbit in the general store. STOP PUTTING ANIMALS IN THESE FILMS, I CAN’T TAKE IT. AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO STUPID MUFFIN.

Harold engages in shoplifting from his own store, popping open a can of peanuts and shoveling some into his mouth, while the rabbit squirms in his arm. Then he promptly puts the lid back on the jar and replaces it on the shelf. The same happens with what is recognizably a plastic bottle of Sunny Delight (or “Sunny D” as the kids these days call it.) His final stop is a box of chocolate frosted donuts, which he plucks one out of, offering a bite to the rabbit. Wow.

The camera draws in on Harold, as it always does when we get that stupid POV thing, but it’s not Jason, it’s Curlers, grabbing his shoulder and yelling at Harold about losing weight and sneaking food. She tells him the rabbit is a “filthy animal” and needs to go back where it belongs.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+6)

Harold retrieves the half-eaten chocolate doughnut, stuffing it in his mouth before he takes the rabbit outside, through the hanging laundry, towards the barn. The rabbit squirms again, prompting Harold to ask “what you so nervous about?”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+7)

If the rabbit could talk, I’m not sure he would warn Harold.

Depositing the rabbit in a wheelbarrow (???), Harold looks over and starts to investigate the rabbit hutch, where several rabbits lay dead. He opens the hutch and…Uh oh…

Crystal Lake Body Count: .5 & .5 (+19.5)

A real rattlesnake rears up, before it switches to a POORLY TAXIDERMIED dead rattle snake that strikes at Harold in what I’m sure was “scary” in 3D, sending the poor dude running away from the rabbit hutch. He flees directly to the living quarters, pushing Curlers out of the way, who bitches some more about Harold before realizing she’s missing one of her knitting needles.

Then we are treated to a panning shot of Harold sitting on the toilet, literally shitting himself. I can’t… even… WHY. Wow, this just gets better and better.

Pulling a bottle of liquor from its hiding place, in a crate next to the toilet (WOW) Harold engages in what is obviously a familiar past time: drinking and crapping. (NO WORDS.)

Instead of having, y’know, actual walls, there’s a dirty curtain over what I’m guessing is a storage space or a closet. Movement behind it draws Harold’s attention away from his most important multitasking!

Setting down the bottle, pulling up his drawers (but neither wiping, flushing, or washing his hands, EW!!! This really is a HORROR movie!!) he walks over to investigate. Pulling aide part of the curtain, Harold finds nothing. Nor when he moves the other side of the curtain, and nothing more when he opens the cabinet door.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+8)

I’m gagging here; I hope I can get through this scene.

Turning on a light (???) Harold inspects… I don’t know what it is. It’s hard to tell if it’s some type of locker or storage space, or maybe even showers? Either way, it’s a bad idea, because as soon as he opens the second door, a hand lodges a meat cleaver into Harold’s chest. Oops.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+20.5)

Guess you don’t have to worry about eating healthy, Harold.

Curlers hears a noise, drawing her attention away from the game show on TV. She inspects the room where Harold was, apparently unaffected by the smell (seriously?!) and wanders about calling for her deceased-husband. When she pulls back the curtain, a white rat with red eyes startles her. Again, I’m pretty sure this scene was one shot for 3D, because the rat wanders along a piece of board, coming closer and closer to the screen.

Yawn. [Wing: I can’t decide if having random animals to make the 3D work is better than the five billion jump scares we get in (bad) horror now.]

Curlers backs towards those weird doors, and through the broken screening, a hand reaches around and covers her mouth, before she is stabbed with her missing knitting needle. Blood oozes over the fingers covering her mouth as her blue eyes stare at nothing.

Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+21.5)

Ah, blank white screen. Pretty sure this is becoming a trademark of this franchise.

The picture returns, this time children playing in the street as a car honks, the top end of a baseball bat probably poking out into the audience, because it’s another obvious 3D shot. The children move as a van motors down the street, a canoe tied to its roof, as we move inside to find two women and a dark haired man in the front seat.

OH LOOK, IT’S THIS INSTALLMENT’S FUTURE VICTIMS!

The van pulls to a stop along side a home with a white picket fence, showing viewers that someone has hand-painted “Chris” with hearts around the window / door frame of the driver’s side. Remember when people did this to their vehicles? I do, vaguely. I certainly wouldn’t do it in this day and age of road rage. [Wing: I see this all the time still, though generally with kids still in school. (Which, I guess, was where I mostly saw it in the 80s and 90s too, that or at weddings.)]

Driver, possibly Chris(?), exits, directing Shelly to the white house on the left, to meet her date. A distinctly male voice replies, “No! Bring her to me!” So I’m already wrong about stuff. Great, this is going well.

The couple who were in the front seat begin to canoodle, and the driver exclaims, “Sex, sex, sex, you guys are getting boring, you know!” and HEY! This one might survive this installment!

Behind the trio, a bizarre looking character creeps around the side of the van to watch them cross the street. Uh, what?

“What would a weekend in the country be without sex?”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+9)

I DUNNO, ANDY, A WEEKEND WHERE YOU SURVIVE??

Calling it now: Andy’s on the “to die” list.

Bizarrely dressed person is now approaching the trio as they discuss this sexy times dilemma, and dude is holding a knife and wearing a plastic mask, his frizzy hair poofed up in a halo behind said mask. (Oh, this decidedly the 80s now. I am well acquainted with giant frizzy hairstyles.)

“What happened to me at the lake happened a long time ago.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+10)

WHAT? WHAT?? WHAT???

Turns out the bizarrely dressed dude in the mask is none other than Shelly, who “stabs” Andy with a play knife. Andy is mad and calls Shelly an “asshole”, but Shelly says he’s an “actor”. Oh, this will end well.

Andy says something that basically states Shelly pulls these kinds of “pranks” all the time. Uh huh. And then proceeds to tell Shelly that Shelly is indebted to Andy, because Andy got him a date. Okay.

“Relax! Be yourself!”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+11)

Oh, here we go, we get to the real root of Shelly’s “issues”: he is the token “fat” dude.

Token Fat Friend: 1 (+1)

Uhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggg.

Chris knocks and an older woman answers and declares that Vera, Shelly’s “date”, isn’t going. Suddenly there inside the house, there’s a loud argument in rapid Spanish. Chris and Andy’s date complain they can’t understand because they “flunked Spanish”.

Vera suddenly appears, citing “basic, old fashioned mother problems”.

Disobey Your Parents? You Gonna Die!: 1 (+1)

Which is funny, because parents are usually the most uninvolved characters ever. (Seriously, just check out the horror books reviewed and recapped on this site!)

Vera asks about her date and after Shelly’s reveal, there’s not much time to react, because Chris screams that her van is on fire. Yeah, there’s no flames but a ton of white smoke pouring out the windows.

Thirty-five years later, we all know that when you see that much smoke in the cab of a vehicle, someone is vaping, but this is 1980-something (there’s no clear answer on if whether we’re maintaining the advanced timeline or not, need to check into that) so I’m going to go with my gut and say: “Someone’s Getting High, for $500, Alex!” [Wing: Even today I’d go to getting high over vaping. Or maybe getting high and vaping.]

Getting High, Gonna (eventually) Die: 1 (+1)

Sure enough, in the back of the van, a man and a woman are toking on huge bongs. Oi. Chris and Andy share a knowing look, without saying a word. I guess our cast of the damned is officially assembled!

Like I said above, this installment is really displaying the full assortment of standard 80s movie tropes. Sex, drugs, fat shaming, murder… check, check, check, and check!

The van drives through an idyllic looking wooded area, the two stoners admonished by Shelly for their dependency on weed. Male Stoner declares there’s nothing better to do, while Female Stoner tries to pass the joint to Shelly.

Getting High, Gonna (eventually) Die: 1 (+2)

Andy is whining about how long it’s taken to get to the lake, while Chris complains that someone’s need to use the bathroom repeatedly has slowed them down.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+12)

I wish you could see my face. It’s hard to describe but my expression is a subtle mix of “oh you are fucking kidding me” and “great, just great”. The fact that Andy and his girlfriend (who’s name would be helpful to know but I either missed it or it hasn’t been said yet) were shown to be helplessly unable to resist pawing each other and the pointed comment Chris made about sex, and now the crack about peeing every five minutes…

She’s Pregnant, You Idiots: 1 (+1)

Oh shit. She stated it, aloud, loudly!

Vera decides to take up the joint and join in. Andy demands his share, and in an awkward way, the joint is passed to the front and in 3D it would have popped out of the screen right at your face. Ugh.

I guess Andy doesn’t care that his pregnant girlfriend is pregnant.

Vera wants to know what Shelly is hiding/keeping in what looks like a locked record case? He says it’s his “whole world”, so yeah. He’s “fat” and “odd”.

My face, you guys, I wish you could see it. Again.

Oh noes, a cop car comes speeding up behind the van, lights flashing and siren wailing. Mass panic ensues, Vera directing everyone to destroy the evidence. Chuck, aka Male Stoner, refuses. Andy decides everyone needs to EAT the pot! ALL THE POT!

Getting High, Gonna (eventually) Die: 1 (+3) 

Andy actually tries to make Chris and his girlfriend participate. Chris exclaims, “I’m driving!” while girlfriend yells, “I’m pregnant!” At least they have priorities?? These women may stand a chance when the carnage ensues…

Vera tries to get Shelly to help but he’s reluctant. Andy yells, crushed pot dribbling from his mouth, to no avail. Chris begins to pull over to the shoulder of the rode…

…and the cop cars going flying past them.

Boy, everybody is so disappointed that they had to consume their drug stash and aren’t going to go to jail for possession of an illegal substance. /sad trombone

I am exactly 20 minutes into this film and I hate everything about it SO MUCH.

The cops speed into a parking lot, where paramedics are moving two body bags into the back of an ambulance. Oh no, it’s Harold and Curlers! Someone found them!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+13)

Crystal Lake is where our cast of the damned is staying for the weekend? Bummer, dudes.

Chris rubbernecks, driving past slowly, as she looks down to watch the scene. Pregnant Girl (I really need her name; to Wikipedia!) Debbie warns Chris to not let her imagination run wild.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+14)

$5 says Chris is some sort of survivor of something similar that happened at a lake.

Oh look, a poorly taxidermied “dead” jackrabbit lying by the side of the road. Also in the road: some dude. Debbie implores Chris to stop the van before she drives over him. Unintentional vehicular manslaughter charges are adverted just in time!

The cast of the damned jump out of the van to investigate (just like a bunch of foolish, meddling kids) and the old codger is stunned, mumbling he must be in “heaven” as they begin to help him up.

Shelly implores, “don’t touch him! You don’t know where he’s been!”

Oh, boy.

Old codger goes into religious zealot mode, just before he whips out something from his pocket that looks strange. Turns out it’s an eyeball and there were “other parts of the body”, according to the codger, but the kids don’t stick around to hear more. Back to the van for safety, cast of the damned!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+15)
Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 1 (+2)

Old codger certainly doesn’t have the skills or talents (or awesome bicycle) of Ralph, because he fails to convince the cast of the damned that bad things are headed their way. But the audience is treated to the eyeball jammed into the camera lens, which I’m sure was disgusting in 3D.

I’ve warned thee.

You tried, sir. You tried.

Okay, our destination of Higgins Haven has finally been reached! The van crosses a very rickety wooden bridge, its planks popping up under the tires, before pulling into the parking grounds. A mysterious stranger in a plaid shirt watches through a window… OH GOODIE, MORE OF THAT CRAP.

The cast of the damned pile out, running to the edge of the lake to goof off and check out the last place they will ever be seen alive in, while Chris is responsible and takes her luggage into the house to check it out.

The door is unlocked, prompting Chris to be cautious as she enters, only to be grabbed by plaid shirt and forcefully kissed.

It’s only Rick! Who can’t understand why Chris did not enjoy his “greeting” and declares the room has grown colder. Oh great, he’s basically this installment’s Scott: the chiseled features and ruggedly handsome looks, who can’t respect personal space and uses sex as a weapon. Ugh.

Chris finally concedes that Rick didn’t do anything wrong, that her return after two years is what’s upsetting her. The plot thickens.

There is a black and white photograph of two men with a black bear standing on a log between them. I’m gonna call that:

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+16)

Chris concedes that nothing about the cabin has seemed to change in her absence, though Rick wants to pick up right where they (apparently) left off. Chris implores him that she wants a chance to settle, to get to know him again. I’m not sure he’s the “no means no” type, Chris.

“There’s only so many cold showers I can take.” Someone push Rick into the lake and hold him under the water, please.

The two go outside to move the luggage, Chris playfully jumping on Rick’s back, to which he admonishes, “I think you’ve gained some weight.” OH PLEASE.

Setting to the task at hand, Chris notes something about the van.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+17)

“Wasn’t this door closed a few minutes ago?”

I am going to pin everything on Chris surviving this weekend, guys! She’s paying attention!

A hand grabs her arm as she attempts to move the locked case. Shelly is hiding in the van, because he won’t go skinny dipping, because, fat.

Token Fat Friend: 1 (+2)

I’m so done with this film and I still have an hour left of viewing.

Chris shows Debbie her room in the cabin, declaring it was previously her room. Man, there is a hell of a lot of…

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+18)

…going on but no actual payoff as to what the big deal is about Chris’ past involving this cabin at Higgins Haven and Crystal Lake.

Looking out the window, Chris sees the barn doors moving and blanks out, while Debbie is complaining there’s no bed in the room. Oh, silly Debbie, you get to sleep in a HAMMOCK!

Again, I wish you could see my face, because my expression is, once again, priceless.

Andy shows up, complete with sleeping bags and guitar case, while Debbie begins to, I dunno, hang up the hammock. Boy, you are going to be do disappointed, Andy!

Now we move to shirtless!Rick, pulling a large hay bale up into the hay loft of the barn. Chris’ father likes to dream about owning horses but never actually pulls the trigger to buy one. Hm, I wonder if all the hay in this hayloft could be…

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+19)

Rick, still shirtless, tries to crank Chris’ jealousy levels by saying he gave up a weekend with the Mary-Jo Connelly to put hay in a barn. Uh huh. Chris informs Rick he’s dumb. I have to agree with Chris on this one.

The angle of this shot, where we can’t see what’s being raised up to the hay loft? I’m gonna call it:

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+20)

Well, I was wrong. Rick yammers about about “needs” and “spending time” with Chris, while she rides the rope pulley up to the hay loft, making Rick strain his big “country boy” muscles. He ends up letting go of the rope, sending Chris back to the ground.

Suddenly, a piercing scream sends Chris scrambling to the cabin. Rick stops to grab his shirt, before exiting the hayloft. Searching the house (and giving viewers more chances to see the ridiculous and eclectic décor of this cabin; seriously, did they raid random garage sales for this stuff? It makes no sense.) Chris kicks open a locked door to an upstairs room, before she investigates a painted armoire.

Shelly, a hatchet buried in his skull, falls out.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+21)
Crystal Lake Body Count: 1 (+22.5)

Rick comes in, telling Chris not to look, while the others rush in, immediately freaking out over the body. Andy, wisely, kneels down and tickles Shelly’s belly, which induces him to laugh and prove this is a fake-out.

Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+21.5)

Shelly laughs and says it was a joke, but Chris is upset by this prank.

“I didn’t mean to.” Oh, sure, Shelly.

Yeah, I pretty much hate everyone in this film except Chris.

Vera decides to go to the store, borrowing Rick’s car. Which happens to be an old yellow VW Bug. WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT CAR, RICK?? Though, admittedly, it isn’t a convertible version. Vera drives off, but not before Shelly comes running up, begging her to let him go with along to the store. At first she drives away, but stops, and honks, and lets Shelly in the car.

Debbie catches up to Chris, explaining Shelly is an idiot who does stupid things to get attention. Um, no shit. Nor does Shelly know about Chris’ mysterious past involving this place. Chris says she’s been jumpy and “seeing” things since they arrived.

“Nothings going to happen when we’re all here together.” OH, DEBBIE, YOU NAÏVE TWIT.

Moving to the… well, a store of some sort, Vera is searching her pockets for the money to pay the clerk, who rudely states they don’t “accept no food stamps”. Whoa, way to judge!

Racism: Business as Usual: 1 (+1)

She yells for Shelly to give her money. He pauses in the middle of perusing an overtly obvious ‘adult’ magazine to throw her his wallet (bet that was awesome in 3-D!) which lands on the floor. A pointy-toed, high heeled boot lands on it. An African-American chick in a leather jacket, leather bandana (???), and what looks like a bicycle chain around her neck picks Shelly’s wallet off the floor. [Wing: I’m suddenly 1000% more interested in this movie.]

Shelly tries to get his wallet back but is accosted by a Caucasian greaser dude (who has chain wrapped around his bicep? Is this their “thing”?) and an African-American dude with a much larger chain around his neck. Oo! This town has a gang!! Things are suddenly exciting!

The gang dudes joke about Shelly being a wishbone and pulling him apart. Ha ha ha. Shelly offers to buy them a beer. Um…

Vera asks for the wallet back, which the mystery woman opens and pulls a condom out of. Oh, Shelly. Worst place to keep those, dude. This turns into some weird subplot about manners and proper grammar (??!) and what the hell is going on?!

Eventually complying, the wallet is returned, Vera pays the clerk, and the two of them book it out of the store. Vera’s too mad to drive so she gives Shelly the keys.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+22)

Yeah, Shelly driving? Probably a bad idea.

Oh, look, they’re a motorcycle gang! Popping a cold one outside the store, Big Chain (I’m too lazy to look up names) notices Shelly and Vera leaving. Shelly starts the VW Bug…

…and promptly backs it into the line of motorcycles. [Wing: SHELLY WHAT THE FUCK.]

Big Chain is pissed, actually removing his chain and wrapping it around his hands as the couple attempt to drive away headed in his direction. Shelly stops short of driving over him, only to have Big Chain smash the windshield. (Okay, that is not proper safety glass, which wouldn’t shatter like that.)

It also breaks in a WEIRD SHAPE. What the hell? Big Chain manages to smash out the driver’s side window before Shelly gets his foot on the gas and drives away. Big Chain jumps on his bike, trying to start it as Shelly does a quick u-turn and comes back, sending Big Chain fleeing.

What the actual hell, Shelly!

Having hit the motorcycle, Shelly peels out and drives back towards camp, leaving Big Chain to curse him out, vowing revenge!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+23)

Back at the camp, we are treated to Debbie in a bikini and the two stoners, hanging out (?) while Andy plays with a damn yo-yo, eventually smacking Debbie in the face with it. WOW WHAT AN IMAGINATIVE USE OF 3D TECHNOLOGY, GUYS.

…this yo-yo bit just keeps going.

…why…

Debbie finally threatens to break the string, catching it, but not actually following through. Boo!

Shelly and Vera roll into parking area, the broken windshield drawing the attention of the stoners. Vera seems quite impressed with Shelly showing the biker gang “the error of their ways”. Uh huh. Rick is very understandably upset about the damages done to his car. Shelly states minor repairs and it will be good as new.

Dude. Dude.

Rick starts complaining to Chris that this isn’t what he signed up for, while in the distance… someone is watching from the barn.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+24)

Chris persuades Rick to stay, although they don’t really stay, they drive off in his busted up VW Bug, while the mysterious stranger watches from afar. Meanwhile, Debbie, with her so-80s hair (oh man, memories) tries to get Andy to go swimming. I’m 99% certain she’s alluding to skinny dipping. Gross.

She runs off to get towels, leaving Andy to run off to the lake. For some reason, the towels are located in the van (?), which allows us to watch a mysterious pair of work boots and rolled-cuff jeans walk alongside the opposite side of the van while Debbie gets towels.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+25)

WELL WELL WELL! It’s Greaser Dude, from the local biker gang! Carrying tubing and a gas can. Huh, wonder where this is headed.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+26)

Although, dude, I’d highly recommend putting out your cigarette before you start sucking on gasoline.

Greaser signals Big Chain by barking, and Biker Queen appears as well. They’re siphoning the gasoline to “get even”, and no one will get “hurt”. Right. Sure.

Biker Queen takes an interest in the barn. Why? Who knows. Maybe she’s looking for something to fence, or she just likes farm buildings. She’s up and over the fence, headed inside to take a look around.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+27)

Shutting the door behind your self was a bad idea.

After kicking over a bale of hay and poking at an old wooden sled hanging from a beam (????) she bangs some metal pieces on the old cowbells (MOAR COWBELL) on the wall. If you shut the door to not draw attention to your activities, one would infer that making so much damn noise would render that pointless.

While Biker Queen investigates a saddle, out of the shadows pops our mystery guest. Man, she is thoroughly poking around the barn, touching everything, until she trips and nearly lands face-first on the tines of a pitchfork.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+28)

“Shit!”, indeed.

Brushing herself off, she gets back up and walks over to the ladder that leads to the hayloft. Hay falls on her face, prompting her to climb up and see who might be lurking.

Outside, Greaser and Big Chain have filled some of the gas cans. Big Chain instructs Greaser to find Fox. Okay, Biker Queen has a name now. Greaser does some weird moves while looking as conspicuous as possible as he runs over to the barn. Yeah.

It isn’t hard to find Fox; with a squeal of delight, she is swinging on the rope that pulls the hay bales up into the loft. Yeah, no one’s gonna notice that or hear her whoops of joy. Sure. [Wing: I am a little bit delighted by how much excitement she’s getting from swinging on a rope when she, you know, rides a motorcycle regularly.]

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+29)

Greaser tells her to knock it off, that Ali (aka Big Chain) is going to be upset. When he looks up again, she’s gone.

Gas can in hand, lit cigarette dangling from his lip, Greaser goes in the barn to investigate! He calls for her, ranting about her misbehavior and not focusing on the task at hand, finishing up with “you’re dead” as a threat. He climbs into the hayloft, still searching.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+30)

You said it, not me, buddy.

Fox is there, run through with the pitchfork, her pointed boots dangling in the air.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+22.5)

Too stunned to do anything, Greaser is shocked even more when mystery guest comes over and stabs him through with another handy pitchfork. So many pitchforks! Greaser even bothers, in his dying moments, to feel the tines that have pierced through his torso. And another use of the crap 3D is the wooden handle of the pitchfork sticking out into the face of the viewer. Yawn.

Greaser, who I guess was actually called Loco (…) sinks slowly to his knees, out of frame.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+23.5)

Well, the fact two-thirds of his biker gang have gone missing doesn’t sit well with Ali. Sure enough, now he’s prying open the barn doors and taking two gas cans inside. Yeah, I can’t see this ending well at all.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+31)

Ali starts yelling but seconds later, Loco’s corpse falls atop him, knocking him to the ground. He shoves the corpse off, stands up, and screams “Fuck!”

As you do.

Our mystery date jumps down into one of the stalls, prompting Ali to grab a handy machete (Ooo, throw back to the first Friday the 13th!) and go after him. Unfortunately, Ali gets one look at mystery man and is knocked out by one punch. The machete is then used to dispatch Ali.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+24.5)

Sigh.

They’re dropping like flies at this point. (Okay, not fast enough for me. Is this movie over yet?)

Debbie and Andy have returned from their intimate swimming lesson, carrying their towels! Andy is so excited he starts walking on his hands, much to Debbie’s surprise.

“We haven’t been in the barn yet!” Andy declares, while mystery man watches through the dirty window.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+32)

“No, it’s cold,” Debbie replies. Maybe the fact she’s wearing a bikini, all wet, and standing in the shade, that could be a contributing factor to feeling cold? Whatever, that could save her from a bloody fate. Andy continues to press for a “roll in the hay” but Debbie isn’t having it. She heads for the house, shortly followed by Andy.

Immediate death has been adverted!

Wow! It’s suddenly NIGHT! Way to smash cut that, editor. We come upon Rick being chivalrous, putting his jacket around Chris’ shoulders, while the headlights on the VW Bug illuminate the… pile of logs? I can’t tell what the hell that is.

Oh, oh, it’s a pile of rocks with a charming little waterfall! (This is obviously staged, people.)

Rick informs Chris that he loves where he lives, because the nights are “peaceful and quiet”. JUST WAIT, BUDDY.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+33)

Chris says the peace and quiet is deceiving, continuing her never ending alluding to her tragic near-past. Like, seriously, just reveal it already! Stop stringing it out for attention and sympathy!

Rick presses as to why she’s returned; Chris says it’s to prove she’s strong. Rick immediately wants to know the status of their relationship. Pushy much? Geez, dude.

Oh, man, I was wrong, that’s not a cute little waterfall, that’s a giant draining storm water pipe that empties into the lake. Wow, I am blind. Bet that pipe is going to come back into play real soon!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+34)

Anyway, Rick continues to bitch about Chris blocking him out (for good reason) and we switch to the Stoners, who are apparently asleep on the loveseat, while Andy and Shelly juggle fruit. Because that’s what you do in the woods: make your own fun instead of doing something sensible, like watching TV or getting hacked to death by a serial murderer.

Oh, I get it, another opportunity for crap 3D. Wow, I’m sure the audience was just amazed at that life-like apple coming right at their faces.

(This is as bad as that shitty exploding rock thing at the beginning of Captain EO.)

Debbie and Vera, bored by this show of male competitiveness, wanders over and informs Andy she knows better things he could be doing with his hands. (Subtle, Debbie, subtle.) But the sexual innuendo works and Andy drops… the lemons? Oranges? Ha ha.

Vera grabs an iron poker and stokes the fire, while Shelly gawks at her ass. Wow, the subtlety!

Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 1 (+1)

Shelly decides that since he and Vera bonded earlier over their run-in with the biker gang (RIP) and the fact that he “really” likes her, that… well, he doesn’t get to finish what exactly he wants. Vera interrupts, saying she’s going to go outside for a minute but they’ll talk when she returns.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+35)

If she fucking returns, that is. I mean, c’mon.

She leaves and Shelly calls her a ‘bitch’ under his breath. Oh, you’re a real winner, Shelly.

Misogyny is For Pussies: 1 (+1)

Vera heads outside. That pocket flap on the front of her… sweater? That’s really an odd placement for that. Terrible fashion design. Also, she’s wearing several shades of red, which could be read into as a symbolic red flag used to taunt the bull, aka our mystery killer. Just sayin’.

Shelly states forlornly out the window, probably at her ass.

The creak of a door or maybe the porch signals someone’s joining the party and likely uninvited. Shelly turns to tend to the fire and sulk, while mystery man drifts into the shot, before he heads off after Vera.

Then we get a weird close up of Shelly and hear that stupid creaking noise again. I’mma guess something bad’s gonna happen real soon!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+36)

Switching to the upstairs, Debbie and Andy are trying to make the hammock cozy for two. Like, um, this seems like a real bad idea. Few people can master getting into a hammock and I’m going to guess that attempting carnal relations in one would end poorly. But Andy’s shirtless and undoing his belt and Debbie is explaining how sex works. Oi.

“I know how to do it,” Andy sneers. “I meant how do we do it in the hammock?”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+37)

SEE. I FORESEE ALL.

Debbie unzips her jacket and the game is on. (Wow. Just… wow.)

Amazingly, both of them manage to stay in the hammock, though it smash-cuts away as they begin to make out (probably for the last time) over to Chris and Rick, who are still having a deep conversation next to the drainage pipe.

Oh! Oh! CHRIS IS GOING TO REVEAL ALL!! (Finally.)

Let me just sum this up because TL;DR: Rick and Chris were on a date that ran way over curfew. He dropped her off and Chris’ parents started in on her, “cursing” her, and got into a big fight, complete with physical abuse. Chris ran out of the house and into the woods, trying to turn the tables and make them feel bad by basically hiding. She falls asleep under an oak tree…

…and now we enter the land of cheesy flashbacks superimposed over the image!

Chris is awakened by noises and finds a “grotesque” looking dude who starts chasing her. She claims he was so ugly he looked “inhuman”. Well, one guess who that could be.

Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 1 (+1)

Attacked, Chris managed to kick away the knife but didn’t get far enough from the deformed man, who caught her and started to drag her along the ground. At that point, Chris blacked out and has no memory of what happened.

Rick does a poor job of consoling her.

When Chris came to, she was in bed, and her parents never speak of their fight or any of the other circumstances. Odd.

“I’ll never forget that horrible face, never!”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+38)

The car battery dies, leaving Chris and Rick in the dark and stranded. Oh dear. Fortunately, someone left a flashlight in the car for Rick to immediately pick up, stating they’ll have to walk back.

“I know a pretty good shortcut.”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+39)

Back at the cabin, Stoner Man comes to and heads outside to use the outhouse. For some reason, it has a working light bulb. Huh. Electricity but no indoor plumbing? Plus, the giant crescent moon cut in the door so you can totally see who’s in there? Geez…

Stoner Woman comes to, finding the living room empty. Stoner Man lights a joint while answering nature’s call. Seriously? The outhouse shakes, prompting him to believe he’s experiencing the effects of the ganja. Face, meet palm.

When he realizes it’s not, he heads out to look, deciding it’s Shelly playing a trick. In the distance he seems someone head into the barn, just before Stoner Woman bumps into him, immediately taking the joint and toking away.

She decides they need to give Shelly a taste of his own medicine, though Stoner Man protests. Yeah, everybody needs to stop going into that damn barn.

Amazingly, there’s zero evidence or bodies in the barn. Sure. Right. Stoner Man leaves the barn doors wide open, still protesting about being in said barn. Stoner Woman leads him into one of the paddocks, where another paddock door opens and bangs against a wall, drawing their attention.

Stoner Woman picks up an axe, probably in an attempt to scare the shit out of Shelly. Oh, honey.

She jumps into the paddock and yells but no one’s there. I’m distracted by the fact she wears a large blue cowboy boot as a pendant. (??) Stoner Man convinces her to leave by lighting another joint, after throwing away the one he had just lit up (dude, wasteful!) and the couple don’t see mystery man step out into the middle of the barn as they head back to the house.

Oh! Vera’s still alive! She’s sitting on the end of the dock (?) and staring up at the night sky, dangling her feet above the water. Yeah, remember who hangs out in water? I don’t like where this is going.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+40)

A hand reaches out from under the water and grabs her foot, Vera screaming and scrambling to get away. She backs away slowly, until Shelly pops up, wearing a wet suit, carrying a fishing trident spear and wearing a fucking hockey mask.

I TOLD YOU. WATER BAD.

Also: I SEE WHERE THAT CAME FROM NOW. (Fuck you, Shelly.)

“That will teach you a valuable lesson! A beautiful girl like you should never go out on the dock alone!” Shelly taunts Vera.

Misogyny is For Pussies: 1 (+2)

Vera yells at him, asking why he plays shitty “jokes”. “Because I want you to like me!” He replies. Shelly believes being a jerk is better then being a “nothing”. Okay. Shelly stomps off to sit on the porch swing, leaving Vera on the dock. Yes, go sulk, you ridiculous man-child. And hold that hockey mask POINTEDLY TOWARDS THE CAMERA.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+41)

Shelly wanders towards the barn, still clad in the wetsuit, with the mask and spear gun. I guess the Stoners are Chuck and Chilly (???) because that’s the names Shelly calls while tapping on the glass. One point to Shelly for being sensible enough to knock on a window instead of barging right into the damn barn.

No answer means Shelly goes in the barn. Taking that point back. “You doing something I shouldn’t see?” he calls out. Ugh.

And he turns the lights on so he can see but closes the door behind him. This is making this so hard on me. Then a mummified sheep head falls from the ceiling and scares Shelly and me. What the hell?

Back on the dock, Vera pulls out Shelly’s wallet, which she conveniently did not return to him. (Theft!) A photograph of Shelly and his mother is inside, trying to garner sympathy. A noise distracts Vera and she “accidentally” tosses the wallet in the water. Beyond her reach, she is forced to chase it along the edge before giving up and going in, trying to walk the bottom in those wedge heels.

Oh look, someone in a hockey mask approaches. The fact he’s A) MUCH TALLER then Shelly, B) NOT wearing a wetsuit, and C) doesn’t rock Shelly’s afro would be a giant set of clues for Vera but nope, she calls out, “I dropped your wallet, sorry!”

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+42)

Vera realizes her mistake as the mystery masked man raises the spear gun and aims. Her protests are in vain, as some of the cheesiest 3D shows the spear flying (clunkily) at the screen before it lodges in Vera’s left eye. Vera stumbles backwards before collapsing into the water.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+25.5)

Bye, Vera. Man, it was quite a while between deaths… or maybe it’s just me, because this movie is taking forever to recap.

Hockey Mask Man dumps the spear gun on the dock before looking up at the house. Well, we don’t have that many more to go, right? Roughly seven souls are still walking about.

Or, in the case of two of them, finally figured out how to have sex in a hammock. We come in on the last moments of Andy and Debbie and their sweaty feet (ew) savoring the afterglow. Debbie gets up to take a shower. That could be fatal, Debbie.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+43)

Hockey Mask Man has gone back to the machete, because some weapons are tried and true, and we see him begin to ascend the spiral staircase. Meanwhile, Debbie has turned on the taps in the shower, making it hard for her to hear Andy yammering on about getting food from downstairs.

The bathroom doors opens and suddenly a pair of dirty feet are against the shower curtain rod. Andy’s up to his old acrobatics, forcing Debbie to pull back the curtain. “You want a beer or not?” Andy demands. Debbie agrees, so Andy leaves, walking on his hands all the way out.

Andy’s death is imminent, right?

Debbie is forced to step out of the shower because Andy left the door open. She grabs for a towel (??) just to shut the door. Andy returns from the bedroom, still walking on his hands, but does not notice Hockey Mask Man standing in the hallway until it’s too late.

Down comes the machete!

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+26.5)

Good riddance.

Debbie doesn’t hear the noise, or at least not enough of it to identify that her lover and baby daddy has been murdered in the hallway, so she keeps showering away. Now she doesn’t want the beer, which considering she’s pregnant, ????!!!!

When Andy doesn’t answer, robe-clad Debbie goes out to investigate. And damn, that’s a lot of rolls of toilet paper on that shelf. Yet again through undescribed means, the body and any blood evidence is missing and Debbie walks right into the bedroom, still looking for Andy.

Getting back into the hammock, Debbie begins to read a conveniently placed copy of Fangoria Magazine. Oh, subtle. Suck up to the horror magazine, filmmakers. (Fun Fact: Debbie is reading Fangoria #1, which was published July 1979. By the time the next entry into the franchise was released, it would be on the cover of Fangoria.)

Anyway, while reading about 25 Years of Godzilla, really bright red fake blood starts to dribble on the pages, much to Debbie’s annoyance and confusion. She looks up to find Andy bent double backwards and crammed between the ceiling and a helpful beam. Ew.

Too late, though, because a hand comes up and grabs her forehead, while a giant fake knife comes through her upper chest.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+27.5)

Should have gone downstairs and gotten a beer yourself, Debbie.

I think that leaves Chris, Rick, the two Stoners, and possibly Shelly as the last living members of this entry. C’mon, get going, will ya!

Speaking of, we check in with Rick and Chris, who are still walking home via Rick’s failure of a shortcut. In the kitchen, Stoner Chuck is making popcorn. Cue another ridiculous 3-D joke of the popcorn popping into viewers’ faces.

Stoner Chilly (?) shows up with a lantern and asks if she heard Chuck screaming. “No, probably Debbie having an orgasm.” Har har.

“How come you never scream when we have sex?”
“Give me something to scream about.”

Okay, you two can die already.

The power conveniently goes out, so Stoner Chuck is sent to check the fuse box. Apparently it is located in a weird dugout down a path from the house, probably also a root cellar back in the day, based on the jars the props department put along the walls. Stoner Chuck is afraid of the dark, giving himself pep talks as he makes his way to check the fuses. Slogging through puddles of water in his bare feet, Stoner Chuck finds an old waffle iron before being startled by a taxidermy skunk. Oh, ha ha ha.

He finally finds what I’m assuming is the fuse box, but hears a noise… and we cut back to the house, where Stoner Chilly hears a noise and opens the back door…

…to find Shelly with his throat slashed open!

Stoner Chilly assumes it’s a joke, another one of Shelly’s practical jokes, and ignores him, leaving him to collapse and die.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+28.5)

Yeah, you cried ‘wolf’ one too many times, buddy. And you’re the reason the goddamn hockey mask became iconic, so thanks, Shelly. Thanks.

Back in the root cellar, Stoner Chuck pulls the level and the power returns, revealing… oh hell, it’s fucking Jason in the hockey mask standing there behind him. He ends up throwing Stoner Chuck into the fuse box, making the lights flicker in the main house. This upsets Stoner Chilly, to the point where she kicks Shelly, only to find out he is definitely DEAD.

She starts… well, not really running but shuffling slowly through the house, screaming for all the dead people as she goes upstairs, leaving Jason to grab the poker from the fire. Which, again, becomes another tacky 3D moment where the burning metal extends out into the audiences’ faces. How impressive this must have been in 1982. It isn’t by today’s standards.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+44)

I guess Stoner Chilly finds Debbie and Andy’s bodies, because she shuffles hurriedly back downstairs, only for the wind to bang open the door, stopping her. She turns around and Jason rams the burning poker straight through her.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+29.5)

Then he picks her up. Okay.

Chris and Rick finally reach the house, with the wind blowing quite fiercely. They crack jokes about ‘the wild bunch’ being so quiet before they continue on towards their impending doom.

The back door won’t open because “something’s behind it” (potential spoiler: SHELLY’S CORPSE?) and Chris can smell something burning. Nope, it’s a chair, Shelly is gone, and the popcorn is burnt beyond hope.

“What’s going on here?”
“I dunno, you tell me, they’re your friends!”

Great, Rick.

The power is still off and Rick is getting no answer, having left Chris in the kitchen. He returns to inform her that everyone is gone, leaving before she can follow him outside. I’m telling you now, my money is on Chris being the sole survivor!

Out on the porch, Chris calls for Rick, unable to see that he is being held by Jason in the shadows, Jason’s hand over his mouth to prevent him from making noise. I’m sorry, I’m sure Rick could have made some kind of sound to get Chris’ attention, but whatever.

When Chris goes back in the house, Jason squeezes Rick’s head so forcefully a fake eye on a wire pops out of the dummy’s skull (3D!)

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+30.5)

What do you mean there’s still 20 minutes left?!

Chris ends up going upstairs because water drips on her from the ceiling. She finds the bathtub over-following because it’s been crammed with bloody clothing, sending a river of water into the hallway. In a stunning error, I see a flash of machete flicker into the doorway. Who edited this!?

Fleeing much faster then Stoner Chilly ever ran, Chris goes back downstairs, calling for Rick. She heads for the barn (??) but the body of Loco drops from a convenient tree, sending her screaming and fleeing back to the house.

Chris sets to securing the windows and doors, which keep blowing open, and drags what I think is some kind of wooden branch lamp in front of one of the doors to block it. But of course the cabin has way too many windows that keep coming open, so she has to run around and lock them.

NONE OF THEM HAVE CURTAINS! DID YOU NOT LEARN ABOUT CURTAINS FROM THE FIRST FILM, CHRIS?

Rick finally shows up, albeit it more like his corpse is thrown through the window, and it takes Chris a moment to realize he’s dead. All that blood on his sweater kind of makes that pretty clear.

And with that, Jason steps up and in through the broken window, sending Chris screaming and fleeing upstairs. She manages to pull over a bookcase, sending a cascade of hardbacks onto Jason’s head, which somehow subdues him temporary. Okay.

Wait, how does the upstairs have power if the downstairs doesn’t?

Chris chooses the room at the end of the hallway, quietly closing the door and locking it. Peering out the keyhole, the coast is clear. Backing into the room, Chris discovers Debbie’s body, which makes her start screaming again. Look, girl, you wanna survive this? Stop screaming!

Too late. Jason comes running down the hallway, axe in hand, towards the room. For some reason he tries the doorknob first?? Dude, you have an AXE.

Finally figuring that out, Jason starts chopping the really cheap door open. Chris manages to pull the bloody knife out of Debbie’s back, arming herself. When Jason reaches in through the hole, Chris stabs his hand with the knife!

She manages to swing and slash at Jason, backing him down the length of the hall, never connecting. Then she finally gets him in the knee, making him roar in pain and fall down. Chris stupidly tries to get into another room, leaving Jason time to pull the knife from his knee. He throws it at her but misses, just as she gets into the bedroom.

Smashing the window out with a chair, Chris makes it outside but is caught by the jacket, since Jason’s recovered enough. Miraculously, Chris’ jacket rips and she falls to the ground, free. For some reason she takes the jacket off (??) then goes to watch through a window, to see Jason come down the spiral staircase.

Making a good assumption of which door he’ll come out, Chris grabs a big log from the woodpile, and clobbers Jason in the back of the head as he exits the house, sending him flying. He grasps at her as she runs past, headed towards the van.

Somehow, the van is unlocked and Chris has the keys on her. Starting it up, she drives forward to where Jason stands in the middle of the road. He dodges as she presses on the gas!

But Chris doesn’t get far. Nope, the biker gang siphoned the tank and she becomes stuck on the wooden bridge. Oops. [Wing: Nice throwback to the biker gang’s punishment, though.]

Jason, wounded, hurries towards the disabled van, whose tires are sinking into and straining the wooden planks. Just as Chris realizes the gas situation and switches to the backup tank, the tire plunges through the wooden bridge!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+45)

Also, for some reason, she left the window down so Jason just reaches through and starts strangling her.

Thank goodness the windows are manual! She rolls it up, trapping Jason’s arms as she manages to extricate herself out of the van through the passenger side door. Jason ain’t having it and smashes his hockey mask into the glass, breaking himself free.

Chris escapes to the barn, barring the door with a shovel, but it doesn’t stop Jason. In a moment of pre-planning, Jason bars the barn doors with the proper wooden bar, so Chris can’t escape.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+46)

Tearing apart the barn as he searches for Chris, Jason doesn’t realize she’s above his head, clinging to a beam. She shinnies out until she’s above him, and drops onto Jason, knocking him down. Somehow she gets away before he grabs her.

Only to be stymied by the beam blocking the door.

Jason reunites with the machete and just misses Chris, who runs for the ladder to the hayloft. Jason is still trying to pry free his old friend while Chris knocks a heavy bale of hay over the top of the ladder, to give her time.

She finds a shovel and hides.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+47)

Lemme guess. She hits Jason with said shovel and knocks off the hockey mask?

Jason arrives and indeed, she clobbers him upside the head with the shovel, but the mask doesn’t come off. He falls down, stunned, at the open door of the hayloft.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+48)

Chris takes up the rope and pulley, knotting the rope around Jason’s neck like a noose before shoving him out into the open air. He falls, his weight too great, but stops short of the ground. He hangs, lifeless, just above the ground.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+31.5)

Chris, taking comfort in seemingly defeating her attacker, takes her time climbing down from the hayloft. It takes her some time to open the barn doors, and when she does, Jason’s body is hanging there.

And then he reaches up, pulling himself up by the rope around his neck.

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+1)
Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+30.5)

For some reason, he removes his hockey mask, revealing his hideously deformed face to Chris, who recognizes him as the dude who attacked her in the woods last year.

Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 1 (+2)

Mask back on, Jason jumps down and takes up his pal machete, stalking forward to finish off Chris…

…when Ali appears out of nowhere from inside the barn, grabbing at Jason! Surprise!

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 1 (+2)
Crystal Lake Body Count: -1 (+29.5)

Unfortunately for Ali, he loses a hand and part of his forearm to the machete. Jason gets busy hacking away at Ali to finish him off, giving Chris time to notice a conveniently placed axe sitting in the hay.

Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+30.5)
He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: -1 (+1)

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+49)

There’s still roughly five minutes left of this? C’MON ALREADY!! HAVEN’T I SUFFERED ENOUGH??

Chris takes up the axe and sneaks up on Jason, who’s distracted by continually hacking Ali into pieces. Just as he turns around, Chris swings it into his face, sinking it into the forehead of the hockey mask. But it’s not enough to stop Jason! Arms raised, hands grasping, he starts towards a screaming Chris.

More use of crappy 3D, yawn.

So an axe to the forehead is finally enough to take Jason down, as he collapses, bloodied, at Chris’ feet. She nudges his head with a toe and gets no response.

He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: -1 (+0)
Crystal Lake Body Count: +1 (+31.5)

And of course they made the axe handle 3D, sticking up out of the screen. Oo, so spooky.

Oh God, no. No, no, no! Chris wanders to the edge of the lake, where (yet again) a conveniently placed canoe waits. She sinks to her knees beside it on the sand, frogs croaking in the night as she washes her face off.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+50)

Yep, she grabs the canoe and climbs aboard as she pushes it out into the lake. JUST SHOOT ME NOW.

Morning. The lake is peaceful, though for some reason there is a hell of a lot of animal noises happening in the background. Chris, huddled in the canoe, sleeps.

Suddenly she screams herself awake, giving me a heart attack. Thanks.

A huge drifting dead tree hits the side of the canoe. Of course it startles Chris. I dunno, that looks stupid suspicious.

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+51)

She tentatively touches it, pushing it back to drift away from the canoe. A Mallard duck flies in, making her scream, as it lands in the water. STOP ALREADY. You’re making me paranoid!

From the window of the house (?) we see Jason’s deformed face, covered in blood. He rattles the window, trying to get out and at Chris. Chris panics, screams, and starts to paddle the canoe in the opposite direction.

Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 1 (+3)

The canoe becomes blocked by the massive amount of driftwood floating around the lake (probably because of that windstorm, right?) forcing Chris to stop to try and free it. Jason barges out of the house, the door coming off its hinges, as he rushes towards the lake.

But of course there’s a pause to zoom in and get a close up of his face.

Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 1 (+4)

Chris looks back and finds that, no, there’s no Jason rushing towards her, the door is closed and not broken. She’s confused. I’m confused!

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 1 (+51)

Out of the water pops… Mrs Voorhees?!

Yup, well, indeed, the shriveled and supposedly intact corpse of Mrs Voorhees grabs Chris from behind, dragging her down into the depths of the lake.

A dramatic wavy wipe refocuses the scene on a police officer round the corner of the house, coming upon another officer. They discuss that there’s a single survivor and no real “lady in the lake”, and that Chris must have mentally snapped because all her friends were killed and imagined a lot of shit.

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 1 (+3)

Chris is escorted out of the house by a third officer, before the first takes her to the patrol car and puts her in the back, where she proceeds to have a full screaming mental breakdown.

Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 1 (+4)

As the car drives away, the camera pans round to the barn, where Jason’s body lays in full view, the axe still embedded into his head. Zooming in, it lingers before transitioning to a shot of the still, peaceful Crystal Lake.

THE END.

[Wing: I might believe this if I didn’t know how many movies are still to come. Ha.]

Final Thoughts 

Geez, I thought Part 2 took forever. Nope. Probably the fact that I stopped and started this recap three or four times added to my misery. So much for getting it done early, like I had planned.

Chris was our ‘winner’, the sole survivor of Jason’s latest rampage, joining Ginny in that small circle. Unfortunately, I would hazard it’s not much of a prize, if she had that much of a mental break that she imagined Mrs. Voorhees trying to drown her in the lake.

I didn’t get many answers as to why it took Jason five years to start killing again. In fact, I remember no answers about that, and I can hardly wait to find out how the writers handily explain his return in Part 4. (And, like, the 8 other entries into this series.) [Wing: Oh, was it five years. Uh, this may address my earlier questions, though five years still isn’t really that long.]

The unique aspect of this chapter is the 3D aspect, though I did not actually experience it, watching it without 3D glasses. It was probably a huge highlight in 1982 but it hasn’t aged well and the gags are pretty trite compared to what 3D technology does these days. I’m not sure which was my favorite gag. The popcorn? Rick’s eyeball? So many to choose from!

The Crystal Lake Body Count skyrocketed, with the addition of the biker gang. Though I’m pretty sure Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit is still in the lead. There was so much of that in this film. I need to set my expectations bar underground, I guess, because I can see most of it coming a mile away.

Okay, time to sign off and rejoin the real world, and relax a bit before jumping once more into Crystal Lake for my fourth go round in the Friday the 13th franchise. See you all in 2018 with Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, the next recap in Let’s Do It!: A Virgin Does Horror! series. Happy Holidays!

[Wing: Congratulations on finishing your first year with Friday the 13th! I hope the next billion are just as entertaining.]

Final Counters

Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit: 51
Crystal Lake Body Count: 31.5
Mental health: with tact and sensitivity: 4
Physical Deformity For Chills & Thrills: 4
Getting High, Gonna (eventually) Die: 3
Misogyny is For Pussies: 2
Token Fat Friend: 2
Disobey Your Parents? You Gonna Die!: 1
Racism: Business as Usual: 1
Sexual Harassment Happens Everywhere, Even In the Woods: 1
She’s Pregnant, You Idiots: 1
He’s dead! He’s dead! HE’S FUCKING DEAD! … oh wait, he survived: 0

Poppin' my horror movie cherry one cult classic slasher film at a time. Let's do it!

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