Happy Friday the 13th! And full Harvest Moon in my time zone. To celebrate, we’re going to do a quick rewind to all the recaps our beloved Virgin has done as she makes her way through the series for the first time.
- Friday the 13th: Damn it, I bet on the wrong horse! Alice, you survived! Congratulations! You win… a lifetime’s supply of nightmares and trauma counseling! Crystal Lake Body Count: 9.5
- Friday the 13th Part 2: Wow. Not only did I hate this movie more then I imagined I would but way more people survived! That’s like some kind of record! Ted, because he stayed at the bar to get plastered, the Token Black Character, several unnamed women, and trucker hat guy all survived Jason. Astonishing! [Wing: Mostly because we barely saw them.] [Virgin: Clearly the lesson here is the less screen time, the better your chances of survival!] Crystal Lake Body Count: 18.5
- Friday the 13th Part 3 3D: The Crystal Lake Body Count skyrocketed, with the addition of the biker gang. Though I’m pretty sure Pointless Foreshadowing For Fun and Profit is still in the lead. There was so much of that in this film. I need to set my expectations bar underground, I guess, because I can see most of it coming a mile away. Crystal Lake Body Count: 31.5
- Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter: A pre-emptive cheering, because GET OFF YOUR ASS AND KILL THESE TWO ALREADY, JASON. I don’t want to watch this! Crystal Lake Body Count: 46 (* I added one for Mrs Jarvis, even though her body was never seen onscreen.)
- Friday the 13th: A New Beginning:In the distance, another flashlight is seen through the trees and voices; someone’s out looking for Tommy. Seeing them, Tommy bolts back the way he came, hiding in the bushes. Okay, no! They weren’t looking for Tommy!TWO MORONS JUST CAME SEEKING JASON’S GRAVE, ARMED WITH SHOVELS. Crystal Lake Body Count: 67
- Friday the 13th Part VI Jason Lives: Sure enough, as soon as Tommy and Allen are clear, with Tommy working to open the gas can, A GIANT BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRIKES THE METAL POLE EMBEDDED IN JASON’S REMAINS, SETTING OFF A HUGE SERIES OF SPARKS. In a clearly 80s way, the animated lighting illuminates the corpse and hockey mask. Crystal Lake Body Count: 84
Good times all around. Except for poor Virgin who is inflicting this series upon herself for the very first time and doesn’t have the nostalgia to carry her through the cheesy, terrible sequels. Thanks again, Virgin! We can’t wait for your next recap.